“It was an emotional moment…I couldn’t help it.”

It has been 2 years since I have posted on this site. I have had many adventures and explored many aspects of my kink and poly sides.

This post is about an event that happened last night.

I rarely sub. I require strong dominant males in order to rival my own energy and draw out the sub in me. There are few who can do that given I have a strong presence and dynamic personality. I have previously played with this “Dom”. He knew my one limit I had. He knew why I had that one hard limit. I will call him G.

I won’t divulge what that limit is given it is deeply personal to me and only people I play with need to know it.

We had not played in nearly 2 years because he moved out of the country for his job. He came back to town briefly and we scheduled play months in advance. I had not been played in nearly 4 months. I craved to sub and was excited I could be with him again. We discussed once more about my one hard limit and he said he understood. I will point out that there are limits that we had a mutual understanding with previously play that he broke this evening as well. I had not reiterated those limits as I believed them to be basic knowledge for him. I will discuss those as I discuss play.

The day of play…

I bought new lace panties, went to great extent to be showered, lotioned, shaved, and perfumed to his liking. I knew he liked princesses. I would wear a pretty, little black dresses, hair down, red lipstick…I would report to his casino hotel room at 930 pm…with my own toys in case he wanted to use them…G liked using my own toys on me…

The time comes and I report to his room. He opens the door tells me to come in and “put my shit down”. He hugs me, kisses me, and tells me I look great. The room is big. It has a jacuzzi bathtub oddly next to the bed. Glass walls that give a view of the shower. The bed is massive and there is a couch next to the window.

He asks me to present my toys to him…and I do. I give descriptions of each one and how I use them. He tells me I’m a good girl and positions me by the armoire. I am facing the side with my back to him. My phone starts to go off with messages. I ask him subserviently if I may turn off my phone as to not disturb him. He says for me to do so then return back to my position. I comply and wait for him to return to me.

His hands touch my hair then run down the back of my body…He tells me to breathe…instructs when I inhale and exhale. He asks if I am going to be a good girl for him. I say “Yes, sir”. His hand goes to my throat and he tells me to lean into his hand as he chokes me. I comply. He does this throughout our play.

NOTE: I am very fuzzy on many of the details of play as he played me intensely for 2 hours straight to the point I bled into the next day. I nearly blacked out a few times and he caught me when I began to fall. I was not coherent enough to be of sound mind for much of the play (as is expected for submissives in the throes of heavy play). I received no water or food during our play. My aftercare consisted of me trying to gather myself in an attempt to leave his room…but managed to only shiver on his bed curled up in a ball because I lacked the strength to stand. Many details are coming back to me as I write this so it may not be as fluid as my previous writings.

He stripped me starting with my dress, then my bra, and panties. He commented on how beautiful my back is and how he could not wait to mark it. He starts clawing my arms, legs, and back. He pulls my hair up so it is out of the way and begins to put restraint cuffs on my wrists and a collar on my neck.

G blindfolds me then positions me over to to the bathtub and ties my wrists to the metal hand rails by the entry steps. He puts on nipple clover clamps and does some breast play. This is where the majority of the play will occur…and where my memories begin to blend…

Over the course of the 2 hours, he flogs, paddles, slaps, chokes, canes, claws, and whips me. He plays me so hard that I nearly fall to me knees on several occasions, but catch myself. When he tires of hearing me cry out, he puts a ball gag in my mouth. He requires that I say “Thank you sir” for every strike even with the ball gag. If I miss one, he gives me 3 lashes.

He does not stay in the standard areas of play…middle back, breasts, buttocks, and upper thighs. He strikes my shoulder blades (with various instruments), portions of my lower back, canes my calves, and whips my arms.

As an aside: I am a switch who primarily plays as a Domme. It is hazardous and can cause permanent damage (as well as visible marks) if play occurs outside the standard (and safe) zones of the body. 

He cuts my arm with the whip and leaves lashes. I have bruises on my calves. and whip marks right above the bends of my knees. It is currently summertime and too hot to wear long sleeves and slacks. I will have to lie about my marks. This is just one broken limit of mine…of which he knew from previous play sessions.

At this point, one might say, “Why didn’t you safe word?”. I was ball gagged. I was out of my mind processing intense amounts of pain. I thought the strikes may have been accidental…clearly in hindsight…they were not.

Oftentimes one does not know someone is violating their limits and trust…essentially assaulting them until after play is finished… due to the active coping mechanisms and pain processing. This is why Dom/mme responsibility is essential in order to ensure damage to the sub does not occur…limits are present to aid the Dom/mme in understanding what could cause potential (and sometimes irreparable) harm to the sub.

He continues his play…he is rough with me to the point I bleed…even into intimacies…I do not know that I am bleeding until well after play.

Towards the end of our play he breaks my hard limit. The moment I realize, I immediately turn on him. After being played to the point I dropped to me knees, I find some strength and chastise him for breaking my hard limit. I tell him to pack my bags, I am leaving. I go to the bathroom to collect myself and realize I am bleeding and see the open marks on my arms. I go back in the main part of the room, get dressed and attempt to collect my faculties.

I tell him he ignored my hard limit. He says, “No I didn’t! It was an emotional moment and I couldn’t help it!” I correct him and say, “You did not adhere to my hard limit, therefore you ignored it!”. He apologizes and then becomes increasingly angry that I call him out on ignoring my limits. He says he will not listen to me telling him what he did was wrong.

He took no responsibility for himself or his actions. He admitted no guilt nor did he try to correct the situation.

I grab my bags and start to feel dizzy. I sit on the edge of the bathtub trying to regain my focus and strength. I had been broken by this man…the closest I have ever been to tears.

I attempt to stand up. Holding my phone and trying to work out my route through GPS…a part of me realizes that I may not be able to drive. I burst into tears and remind him why I have my hard limit. I remind him how much we discussed it. He sits on the couch by the window and stares at me the entire time. I can not look him in the eye.

I sit back down and remind him what it means to be a Dom/me. That limits are to be respected. That they ensure no one gets hurt. I remind him that I am a respected Domme because of the fact I am safe, sane, and consensual. I respect limits. I then look directly at him, tears still flowing and say that I trusted him. He stares back at me unshaken.

I attempt to stand again…I am very weak, dizzy, and unable to walk very far. He gave me no food or water. I did not ask for any, because I really wanted to leave. He offered me caffeine then told me to stop thinking and straighten up. I no longer listened or cared about what he had to say.

He says he did not want our few moments to be filled with me being upset. He works overseas and I’ll not likely see him again for a few years.

He will never see me again. He will never have the pleasure of me again. That is assured.

He finally showed some remorse, but it quickly vanished.

Conversation strangely went to what we had been doing with our lives. I mentioned my PhD program. He said I’d get bored with it just like everything else I’ve done. He was attempting to take jabs at me even in my vulnerable state. I again corrected him saying that I enjoyed my previous job but was given a better offer at the university.

I attempted one final time to go…I could not drive. I said I needed to lie down. He responded in a short tone,”Well do it then!”

I curl up on top of the mattress and tremble. He sits on the couch and looks at his IPad. He occasionally looks at me. He then comments, if you are cold then work the thermostat. I say ok. He then responds, “Or I will, whatever.”. I get up and adjust the thermostat to make the room warmer.

A few hours pass…I remain in my ball trembling without a blanket. He remains on his couch by the window occasionally looking at me. I desperately needed aftercare after 2 hours of hard play. However, I did not want him anywhere near me.

115 am comes around…I had been lying in that ball since 1230 am. At this point I realize it would be nearly 3 am when I finally got home if I left. I was exhausted, still dizzy, and unable to walk. He had gotten onto the bed next to me but maintained his distance.

I had to stay the night in his room. Driving home for 1.5 hours would have been too dangerous for me in this condition. I prepared for bed leaving on all of my clothes. I curled up with my back to him and slept until 715 am…

I laid in the bed and cried a bit more before I changed my clothes and gathered my things. I said I had to go home. He said he had to head out too. He hugged me and asked if I was ok to drive. I said I was fine. Said goodbye and left his room.

I got onto the elevator and burst into tears…tried to collect myself to exit the casino…made it to my car and cried.

I drove home. My primary had read my Twitter account giving insight to my experience and immediately instituted care for me.

I texted G trying to get some kind of support, accountability, and reassurance…he received the texts, read them, and has yet to respond. He has no concern for me in any regard.

I have cried off and on today. I have taken breaks writing this post because it has been draining. I will likely be up at 3 am from my brain trying to process this for several days if not a week or so.

I feel it is important for me to write this post for therapeutic and informative purposes.

People need to understand the level of damage that can happen from negligent individuals who ignore limits and perform non consensual acts. Limits are adhered to for reasons. G may have felt my limits were silly. The fact of the matter is, he does not need to understand my limits. He needed to respect them. That was all that was required of him. 

Non consensual acts are assault. There is no gray area. Either it is “Yes you can do that!” or “NO! That hurts me!” When limits are ignored, it is disregarding the “NO!”. NO, means NO. It does not mean that you will change my mind mid play. It does not mean my body no longer belongs to me and you get to ignore my rules. This. Is. Assault!

I was assaulted last night by someone I trusted.

Thank you for reading. And thank you for the endless support from individuals all over who have heard my story and lent an ear and a shoulder. ❤

Ms M

Rape Culture in the Poly World

Being polyamorous, I sometimes find it difficult to find partners who understand the parameters of the poly lifestyle. At first, I thought that it was because many misunderstood what being “poly” means. There are many types of non-monogamy. For me, being “poly” involves developing lasting relationships that have emotional attachment. I am not into one night stands. I do not have sex indiscriminately. I make this plain in all of my online dating profiles. I feel that I am rather clear as to what type of relationships I am interested in…

I consistently get emails and messages on these dating sites from men who are crass, crude, lewd, and speak to me with a complete lack of manners. I had been giving them the benefit of the doubt in that they may not understand what being “poly” is. They may legitimately think that I am looking for such advances in regards to a filthy nature. I was making excuses for them and ignoring such messages.

I recently had a phone conversation (and later a Skype) with a potential romantic interest. He told me that he wasn’t surprised that I get such messages because clearly my dating profile says that I am looking for sex. It does not say that ANYWHERE ON MY PROFILE. I became livid. I asked him which part he felt presented such an idea. He said that what I was looking for was “lasting relationships that could lead to intimacies” and that I was in an “open marriage” was what made some men think this. He left out the part that I say I am not into one night stands.

He apologizes for upsetting me and says that this was not his intent. We later go onto Skype to chat a bit more.

On Skype, we talk for a little bit, then he starts fondling himself. He asks if it bothers me that he is doing that. I say that it doesn’t bother me per se but I have not met him yet and it is awkward. He continues to do so and puts the camera on his hand while he fondles himself through his clothing. I say that I’d rather look at his face because that is what I am talking to and he turns the camera back around.

Conversation continues…He tells me how horny I make him, that he can’t help it, and then he whips out his penis and starts stroking it. He puts the camera back on it and asks me if this makes me uncomfortable. I say that it does and he once again says he can’t help it…he has a high sex drive. He asks me if I want to see him cum.

Skype had disconnected several times during the conversation. So, I took it upon myself to hang up on him and blame Skype.

We had made plans to meet the following day…Needless to say, I cancelled them. How could I possibly trust a man not to give into his urges when I clearly said things were making me uncomfortable…and he said he couldn’t help it.

First Skype calls are like first meetings. Would any rational man whip out his penis in a bar and start stroking it saying he couldn’t help it because I made him horny? How would he feel if I kicked him in the testicles saying that I just couldn’t help it because he made me angry?

After a tremendous amount of thought about the whole experience and the messages/emails that I regularly get on online dating sites, it is VERY clear to me that this is a solid example of “rape culture”.

He was excusing his lewd acts regardless of my protest because I was making him horny. And somehow ALL of this was acceptable because my profile states that I am in an open marriage and looking for lasting relationships that could lead to intimacies…He was placing blame on me.

THIS is Rape Culture in all of its hideous form. In his mind, I was clearly asking for this. It is my fault that I get messages that are lewd, crude, and crass because I am non-monogamous and enjoy sex. I should expect such behaviour because this is somehow “par for the course” for being a woman who enjoys sex.

No, I am no longer going to assume that men who message me do not understand what being “poly” means. I make it blatantly clear in my profile. If they are not clear, they can ask me questions. I normally ignore such messages. I will respond to these lewd comments with stern replies correcting such behavior. It. Is. NOT OK!

I am non-monogamous. I am kinky.

However…

I AM NOT asking for pictures of your penis.

I AM NOT asking for your rude and lewd comments.

I AM NOT asking for you to whip out your penis on Skype and fondle yourself.

And when I say I AM NOT comfortable with ANY of what you are doing, I DO NOT CARE if you THINK that you “can’t help it.”

No STILL means NO! Online or in “real life”. Guess what? I am STILL a human being online like I am in “real life”.

No one will blame me for their inability to control their urges…THIS is Rape Culture as I experience it nearly everyday in the poly world through online messages/emails and in Skype calls with men who do not listen to me saying that I am uncomfortable…and who excuse their lewd behaviour because I am non-monogamous.

Rape culture does not sit only with how a woman dresses…rape culture exists heavily where women are vocal about enjoying sex and their relationships…It is truly frightening how ingrained rape culture is in our society.

Thank You For Reading,

Melliscious xx

As an aside…This post does not apply to men with whom I have met, with whom I have a connection, and have a solid understanding.