Polyamory…Loving more than one person in a monogamous society Part 1

My husband and I have been polyamorous for nearly 4 years. My first blog post discusses how we came to be poly…It can be found here. I will avoid redundancy…So…In this post, I will focus on what it is/what it is like/what it means to love more than one person and how to cope with living in a monogamous society. I will make several analogies involving how one achieves, craves, and needs to love and be loved by others with what is currently acceptable amongst our society to aid in a better understanding…

There will be 2 Parts to this post…This part, I will define what poly means…at least to me…

We are bombarded with images, films, television, media, news, books, domestic living laws, religion, and pressures to form a “family unit” of 2 individuals (only recently accepted are gay marriages in the US) that may or may not include children…although media and politics (especially US) pressures for child rearing. Homosexual populations have felt the pressure to conform to heterosexual ideals…In similar ways, poly people have felt the pressures to conform to monogamous ideals…Love only one person, no one else is allowed your heart.

It is unlikely that you have only one friend in this world. If you do, that’s wonderful! That is one person of whom you trust, love, and would take a bullet for, give a kidney to…and they would do the same for you. However, having a few close friends…that is more support, more love, more care…more people who are looking out for you and contributing to your happiness on this planet. Each friend you have brings out characteristics in you that you may not have with another. You love all of your friends, but it is an entirely different love with each one. One friend may be your video game/cuddle friend. Another may be your affectionate/sappy book reading friend. One friend may be your superhero, let’s dress up and read comic books friend. Your affectionate book reading friend may not like video games. Do you love your friend less? Absolutely not! Do you love your book reading friend more? Probably not. Is your love for that book reading friend different? Yes…of course it is. Can you imagine life without your closest and dearest friends? Why would you even entertain the thought?

The beauty of having more than one friend is that you can be yourself fully but with different people. Each person allows you a free space to be yourself in ways that is not possible with others. This in no way means the others are lacking or are unfulfilling on their own. It is just different. You are different with different people…not wrong or necessarily bad, just different. Each engagement with your friends, you learn more about yourself…and you see new things come out of you that you may not have seen with some one else. And you love them all equally…a widely accepted aspect of society.

Another example involves parents with multiple children. Same principles involving the friends analogy can apply here. You love all of your children equally…But…one may be your sports child, another may like performance, one may adore SciFi. Your engagements with each child is individual…your rules may be the same for all, but each will hit different aspects of you. Similar ideals but on an acceptable societal norm.

*Some would argue that parental love is unconditional and does not apply to the romantic sense. I disagree. My father’s love was not unconditional. There is no guarantee of this love and such instinct is not present in everyone. To assume this places unrealistic expectations on certain people. Many parents choose to stay and love, others do not.*

The point of all of this…we are permitted to love everyone…anyone…relatives and friends…but if sex and romance are involved, no. Just one, that’s it. Why? Why must this be the only way allowed for society? Can a person be capable of romantic love and crave intimacy with more than one person? Why not!

I will avoid the discussion of slut shaming, praise of men with multiple sexual exploits (prior to marriage), and the current war on women in politics…although all of these reinforce the monogamous perspective.

The Ethnographic Atlas Codebook (Corrections updated as of 1999)…which is widely referenced in anthropology textbooks …reports less than 200 out of appx 1200 societies actively are considered monogamous. The majority practice various forms of non monogamy whether temporary or  permanent in their cultures. This is conducive to some cultures due to limited resources in some cases or wanting to share wealth with multiple partners.

In the Himalayas, polyandry (multiple husbands) is practiced due to limited farmland in the mountains. An example: A female is brought into a household of 2 brothers. She is wife to both of them and all children are raised as their own. Since farmland is limited, there is no splitting of land for the brothers to have 2 separate families with 2 separate women. All share in the wealth and the resources of love and children. There is no jealousy. Everyone is equal.

In the natural world, there are appx. 5,000 species of mammals where only 3-5% are monogamous. Very few species pair exclusively for life. Look at lions…It can be an expensive investment to put all of your eggs with one partner, so to speak…what if partner has genetic issues? What if the children are sickly/weak? What if a stronger male defeats the previous one? Those children will be stronger. Your genes will pass onto stronger progeny and you will live on through them…Birds of paradise are another amazing example of how diversity amongst a species through non monogamy can produce exceptional and beautiful results in the continuation of a species.

Monogamy is the cultural, historical, and biological minority but it dominates Western Society.

*As an aside…I am not listing references here…however, my credentials: I have 2 undergrad degrees in science(biology and biochemistry)…and a Masters specialized in science education. I am currently in a bioanalytical chemistry PhD program…If you would like articles, message me or better yet hit up Google Scholar*

Polyamory…loving more than one person…in the biology of sex, love…both are considered necessary in order to be a healthy adult human. Some people are asexual, but the need for human connection is still present.

The two main keys to all of this…

One is time…dividing it up and ensuring you are not neglecting anyone. The level of relationship relies heavily on the needs of the people involved. I can not take on more partners/lovers/friends (insert whatever label because I tend to not use them) than I can handle. I only give my time to people who want it and do not neglect me. Otherwise, what is the point? Neglecting others and being neglected is not loving.

Two is communication…EVERYONE needs to understand the situation and YOU MUST ACTIVELY communicate to make certain EVERYONE is getting their needs met as well as adapting to any new transitions. People must be allowed to discuss difficult topics including potential jealousy issues (likely pressing due to someone not getting their needs met), progression of feelings, if needs change, etc. Communication is vital for the success of ANY relationship monogamous or otherwise. However, with poly people, communication is required due to the nature of the situation and the need for establishing trust. Everyone has to know what is at stake, what the expectations are, and what can/can’t be given. And at times there are rules that dictate interactions (safe sex, only certain acts are ok with certain people, etc…) that need to be addressed.

Being non monogamous IS NOT a “Free Pass” to do what you want indiscriminately. People, feelings, sex, and love are involved. It can become complicated if there is a breakdown of communication.

*A word on cheating…Cheating IS NOT non monogamy. Cheating stems from issues within the relationship and is irrelevant to ethical non monogamy practices. I have ALWAYS felt a need to share myself with others, but I was monogamous with my husband before we opened up…I NEVER took on partners or cheated…I love him and I love those in my life. Cheating is not the same…because there is a lack of communication and hiding actions is required.*

So the big question…”What about your husband?”. Well, I give my husband the time he wants, the affection he needs, and I work to be certain he is not neglected. He has had relationships of his own. He understands my need and in no way feels lesser or jealous because I actively work to meet his needs…I know many monogamous relationships that fail because they neglect each other and do not communicate. Being poly has strengthened our relationship BECAUSE we communicate and work to ensure each other’s needs are met.

For me, I love multiple people. In my love of others I am fulfilled. I love my husband, but that love is its own. I love others and each one is unique. I don’t compare them to each other because that would be ridiculous let alone ensure failure of any and all of my relationships. You don’t expect your friends to act like each other. You don’t compare them. You love them as they are. I genuinely LOVE the people closest to me. They know this. They know they are special and I need them in my life in any form that they can be. I have been intimate with a few…others I will not be able to share this intimacy due to life’s and society’s strict parameters…but they know they fulfill me and I need them because they are important to me. I have learned more about myself through engaging with others than I have being monogamous…as each person has drawn something new from me that I didn’t know was there. I have a big…no MASSIVE heart. I have a pressing (and sometimes overwhelming) need to engage with others and share love/feelings/sensuality with them. Some engage my intellectual side…some my kink side…a few my geek side…I am myself with all of them and can be myself with all of them. I thank them and adore them for this freedom they give me…

I know they care and love me…what a wonderful feeling it is to have people who hold you close to them in all of these ways as you do with them. ❤

Part 2 will focus on society and how to cope with being poly in a mono world…

Thank you For Reading,

Ms. M

Rape Culture in the Poly World

Being polyamorous, I sometimes find it difficult to find partners who understand the parameters of the poly lifestyle. At first, I thought that it was because many misunderstood what being “poly” means. There are many types of non-monogamy. For me, being “poly” involves developing lasting relationships that have emotional attachment. I am not into one night stands. I do not have sex indiscriminately. I make this plain in all of my online dating profiles. I feel that I am rather clear as to what type of relationships I am interested in…

I consistently get emails and messages on these dating sites from men who are crass, crude, lewd, and speak to me with a complete lack of manners. I had been giving them the benefit of the doubt in that they may not understand what being “poly” is. They may legitimately think that I am looking for such advances in regards to a filthy nature. I was making excuses for them and ignoring such messages.

I recently had a phone conversation (and later a Skype) with a potential romantic interest. He told me that he wasn’t surprised that I get such messages because clearly my dating profile says that I am looking for sex. It does not say that ANYWHERE ON MY PROFILE. I became livid. I asked him which part he felt presented such an idea. He said that what I was looking for was “lasting relationships that could lead to intimacies” and that I was in an “open marriage” was what made some men think this. He left out the part that I say I am not into one night stands.

He apologizes for upsetting me and says that this was not his intent. We later go onto Skype to chat a bit more.

On Skype, we talk for a little bit, then he starts fondling himself. He asks if it bothers me that he is doing that. I say that it doesn’t bother me per se but I have not met him yet and it is awkward. He continues to do so and puts the camera on his hand while he fondles himself through his clothing. I say that I’d rather look at his face because that is what I am talking to and he turns the camera back around.

Conversation continues…He tells me how horny I make him, that he can’t help it, and then he whips out his penis and starts stroking it. He puts the camera back on it and asks me if this makes me uncomfortable. I say that it does and he once again says he can’t help it…he has a high sex drive. He asks me if I want to see him cum.

Skype had disconnected several times during the conversation. So, I took it upon myself to hang up on him and blame Skype.

We had made plans to meet the following day…Needless to say, I cancelled them. How could I possibly trust a man not to give into his urges when I clearly said things were making me uncomfortable…and he said he couldn’t help it.

First Skype calls are like first meetings. Would any rational man whip out his penis in a bar and start stroking it saying he couldn’t help it because I made him horny? How would he feel if I kicked him in the testicles saying that I just couldn’t help it because he made me angry?

After a tremendous amount of thought about the whole experience and the messages/emails that I regularly get on online dating sites, it is VERY clear to me that this is a solid example of “rape culture”.

He was excusing his lewd acts regardless of my protest because I was making him horny. And somehow ALL of this was acceptable because my profile states that I am in an open marriage and looking for lasting relationships that could lead to intimacies…He was placing blame on me.

THIS is Rape Culture in all of its hideous form. In his mind, I was clearly asking for this. It is my fault that I get messages that are lewd, crude, and crass because I am non-monogamous and enjoy sex. I should expect such behaviour because this is somehow “par for the course” for being a woman who enjoys sex.

No, I am no longer going to assume that men who message me do not understand what being “poly” means. I make it blatantly clear in my profile. If they are not clear, they can ask me questions. I normally ignore such messages. I will respond to these lewd comments with stern replies correcting such behavior. It. Is. NOT OK!

I am non-monogamous. I am kinky.

However…

I AM NOT asking for pictures of your penis.

I AM NOT asking for your rude and lewd comments.

I AM NOT asking for you to whip out your penis on Skype and fondle yourself.

And when I say I AM NOT comfortable with ANY of what you are doing, I DO NOT CARE if you THINK that you “can’t help it.”

No STILL means NO! Online or in “real life”. Guess what? I am STILL a human being online like I am in “real life”.

No one will blame me for their inability to control their urges…THIS is Rape Culture as I experience it nearly everyday in the poly world through online messages/emails and in Skype calls with men who do not listen to me saying that I am uncomfortable…and who excuse their lewd behaviour because I am non-monogamous.

Rape culture does not sit only with how a woman dresses…rape culture exists heavily where women are vocal about enjoying sex and their relationships…It is truly frightening how ingrained rape culture is in our society.

Thank You For Reading,

Melliscious xx

As an aside…This post does not apply to men with whom I have met, with whom I have a connection, and have a solid understanding.

Boy 3 and His Wife…An Update…

This morning I woke and checked one of my online sites to find a message from Boy 3’s wife. She had made a dummy account on this site for the sole purpose of looking at my pictures, reading my activity, reading my blogs, and messaging me.

This week Boy 3 broke off his relationship with me. He apparently had broken rules with his wife in regards to their poly relationship. My previous post discusses the rise and fall of the relationship involving him.

A few things to consider:

1. I have never met his wife nor have I ever spoken with her (until it ended). I asked once and she refused.

2. I only knew what Boy 3 told me.

3. I have no control over the poly rules of his relationship with his wife…I have never considered it to be my responsibility to make certain that he follows them.

4. I am sad for the both of them.

The message I received was incredibly long to the point that I had to take breaks from reading it. There were no paragraphs. It was a long, solid group of sentences all relaying the history of their relationship and what she felt in regards to me.

Here is what I have learned from her message…

She starts by saying they have been together for 8 years. Apparently Boy 3 cheated on her prior to them getting married and she did not find out until after the wedding. They separated then got back together. She suggested polyamory as a way to prevent lying and to stay together.

* Polyamory does not fix trust issues…

They start seeing other people. He finds someone he sees regularly…She finds someone as well…then he finds me on a dating site…

He tells her he is interested in seeing me as a “poly friend”…That is how our relationship was approached. He had said he felt he was too young for me…

Come to find out we had chemistry on our first date and enjoyed each other’s company. He told his wife he wanted to pursue things with me. She had a problem with this because she thought we were only going to be “friends”. She thought he had lied about his intentions with me.

She also had a problem with him seeing more than one person. He told me he was seeing someone else on occasion. I didn’t have a problem with it and felt it was none of my business…it was none of my business. Regardless, he broke it off with the other girl.

His wife was not comfortable with him seeing me (even after the first date) and told him he was not allowed to have sex with me until she was comfortable with him seeing me. We had unplanned sex on the second date. He was out late and missed a call from her. He went home and she told him that she wanted him to break it off with me immediately due to him missing the call and unplanned sex. He became upset and she said she would allow him to see me because he had started to care for me.

I asked if I could speak with her to help alleviate concerns or clarify things. He went to her with this and she said no. She said that she did not want to meet me or speak with me. I mentioned to him that I wish she would speak with me. He did not ask her again because she seemed so adamant not to discuss anything with me. She said in her message, had she known I really wanted to speak with her, she would have. I really wanted to speak with her, but why would I press the issue? I was not going to make his wife talk to me and I did not want to make waves or cause drama.

He and I had communicated daily…and continued to progress.

While on another date, he missed another phone call of hers. We were in a loud bar and it was hard to hear. Given that was an issue last time, I became concerned. He immediately called her back when he noticed the missed call and we ended our date. That evening she again mentioned that she wanted him to break it off with me. The whole thing was accidental. He never intentionally missed her calls…ever. She said this was 3 strikes and she wanted the relationship with me to end.

Again…I have never met this woman. And she would not speak with me.

She found out that I knew of her insecurities in regards to me. I never asked Boy 3 to tell me of his relationship woes. I also said that it was none of my business what was going on between him and his wife. However, it seemed she was constantly trying to thwart us from seeing one another and some of this gave me some insight as to the situation. This was another rule that was broken.

Boy 3 had told me about his wife wanting him to see another girl that she had been talking with on a polyamory board. She was in a triad and Boy 3’s wife was going to start seeing the husband. She confirmed this in her message saying that she was trying to get him to see her. He was not interested in her. She wanted him to be interested in her because she had developed a friendship with this new girl. Boy 3 was happy with me and did not want to add on more partners. It seemed she was trying to control who he was allowed to see. It was like she was arranging his relationships based on who was approved.

Boy 3 has told me once or twice that he loves me. I had not yet reached that level of care as of yet and had been a bit guarded due to my instincts kicking in…I did, however, care for him quite a bit. I know he was quite happy with me. He had not told his wife that he started to love me. This was another rule he had broken.

In her message, she goes on to tell me about a lie he told me in regards to a “fight” they had in seeing me when her brother was in town. I have no idea what to believe when it comes to either of these people.

She goes on to tell me that she decided to read my text messages to him in his phone and that is how she found out that we were involved in BDSM play. This was another rule that was broken. He was not allowed to play publicly or privately in BDSM with anyone but his wife.

Apparently there was a very long list of rules that she goes into detail over and he had broken quite a few of them with me.

* I am ethical. Had she spoken with me when I asked..I would have learned about the rules…I at least would have followed them…hence he would have as well.

Seeing as he could not follow any rules, she told him strongly that she wanted him to end things with me…but she would not force him. However, she pressed the issue that she wanted him to end things with me…hence forcing him to make that decision. They are deciding to be monogamous and seek counseling. She is now pregnant with their first child. Their marriage is very much in danger at this point…I feel sad for them.

Boy 3 deleted his social media profiles, unfriended me on various sites…His wife told me he did this because she wanted to eliminate the temptation of seeing me again. He knows where I live. He has my phone number. He knows where I work. If he wanted to see me, he would find a way. Deleting profiles on the internet does not change that.

My final analysis:

Boy 3’s wife has been against my relationship with Boy 3 from the start. I do not condone his lying to either me or her, however, I can see where the lies came from…Every time he messed up and confessed his mistakes, she became angry and wanted him to end it with me. She mentioned that she needed open communication. When he was open and took responsibility for things, she would express anger and contempt for his relationship with me. He began to hide things from her because he wanted to progress with me. He seemed afraid to be honest with her when he did make a mistake for fear of losing me. In the end he lost me anyway due to his lying to her.

She is desperate to fix her marriage. She is trying to control the entire situation. She is desperate to hold onto a man who seems to love her but can not adhere to rules of monogamy or the long list of rules dictated for their poly relationship. Poly relationships need to have both people willing to adhere to rules that THEY BOTH can live with…not just one person. The rules can change as people, dynamics and relationships change. Poly people need TRULY OPEN communication without punishment for honesty. People are going to make mistakes, but making ultimatums does not solve any issues when a mistake is made. The root of why the mistake happened needs to be examined. Punishment for mistakes as in a “3 strikes” scenario is counterproductive for many. Sometimes these strikes are accidental. And when feelings are involved, people are going to try to protect what/who they care for…including their own heart…this can lead to things being hidden.

I do not agree with the way Boy 3 handled this situation. He lied not just to me but to his wife. I do not trust him. I do not trust his wife…I have not met her (by her request), spoke to her once (when he broke it off with me), received an incredibly long message from her (on a dummy profile she made to check my activity and pics), and she has made it plain she did not want him to see me from the start.

I am not comfortable with any of this. I care for Boy 3. I do, very deeply. I will not be involved with him again so long as he is in this situation. Even then, I’d be exceedingly cautious and he would have a lot to answer for…it would not likely happen.

I hope they work out their issues…I wish the best for them both…

One final note…

Polyamory does not fix relationship problems. If there is no trust, polyamory does not work. Polyamory will add many dynamics to all of your relationships. If you can’t handle your monogamous one, being poly will only add to your issues.

Thank You For Reading,

Melliscious xx

 

Addendum: She “allowed” him to continue to see me even when said rules were broken due to his affection for me. Relationships are different for each couple…however…if there are rules in place…they need to be adhered to or changed…The situation needs to be re evaluated where someone is “allowed” to see another after rules are broken…re evaluate and re negotiate according to the different dynamics you have with different people or truly cut it off and know your hard limits…

My Boy 3…

Boy 3 came into my life via a dating site. He was a bit younger than me and I tend to shy away from the younger ones. He said he was polyamorous and in a committed relationship with his wife. They had been together for 5-6 years. He seemed intelligent and was very gentlemanly. His level of maturity impressed me. He was unlike most men his age and we had quite a bit in common…

Our first date was a fun night of dinner, pool, and geeky conversations about superheroes and films. It was a lovely evening…he danced with me a bit in the parking lot and kissed me goodnight…Second date was a drink at a bar and sweaty van sex…

This is where warning sign #1 appeared. His wife was upset that he did not answer a message right away. We were caught up in the moment and engaged in sexual matters and she was upset that he did not text her back immediately. He called her and I could hear her very upset about being out a bit late and not responding to all of her messages. I understand that messages from spouses need to be answered as soon as possible, but this seemed a bit extreme.

I too am married. When I am seeing someone new, I am constantly reassuring my husband that he comes first in my life. I know the importance of responding to text messages, but my husband knows where I am at all times and trusts me implicitly…there seemed to be trust issues with Boy 3 and his wife.

I ignored this warning sign because it is terribly hard to find a compatible poly person for me…

We continued to see each other and progress…From time to time Boy 3 would tell me how jealous his wife was of my job, my looks, and my life. She had NOTHING to be worried about in regards to me. I had no interest of stealing her husband from her. I had one of my own. Boy 3 was constantly reassuring his wife. Warning sign #2

He would make plans with me then would have to cancel due to his wife needing additional attention at times. I understood but was getting a bit annoyed. They would take Sundays as their “date day” and I knew to never expect to see him those days or to make plans. He would then call me occasionally on a Sunday telling me that his wife decided to go see her boy and left him alone…If he had made plans with me, she would have been upset. Warning sign #3.

I asked several times to speak to his wife to help reassure her…she would not have any of it. She would not talk to me. She wanted nothing to do with me. Warning sign #4.

At the end, when I FINALLY got to talk to her because she forbid us from seeing one another, she said, “Had I known you REALLY wanted to talk to me, I would have talked to you.” Of course I REALLY wanted to talk with her. I would not waste my time otherwise…

After I ignored all of the warning signs, we progressed for 5 months. He would tell me that he loved me. I had not gotten to the point of love as of yet, but I cared for him a great deal. I have been quite guarded as of late due to me caring about people that I should not…I did deeply care for him and utterly adored him.

He became interested in BDSM. He knew I played with others and wanted to play with me. I asked him if his wife was OK with us playing at our local club and he said, “Yes.” This, come to find out, was a lie…

I asked someone close to me that tops me often to show him the ropes on how to effectively top me (be a dominant). It was exceedingly difficult to dominate/top me due to my personality and nature. I was so excited about finding someone with whom I was very sexual that was capable of  topping me. He showed him the ropes…he was a solid, attentive, budding top…

He would give me a solid power exchange through flogging, paddling, spanking, biting, pulling my hair, putting his hand on my throat…Boy 3 was a natural and could read me. I knew he would only learn more and progress well in this lifestyle. It also translated well into our sexual experiences. We were planning more intense play.

One evening, Boy 3 tells me the good news that his wife is pregnant. With the history of his wife being jealous about me, I started to feel some concern. She wanted to continue to see her boys and was reassured by them that they would still be interested in her regardless of her delicate state. However, my guard was going up…I thought she might want him not to see others…I was his only other girl. He barely had time for me. Warning sign #5.

One Sunday, he was not answering my texts. I became worried. He had cancelled a few of our dates due to his mom being ill and his wife getting in a car accident. I knew his wife was ok from the car accident but became concerned that something happened to his mother. I worried a large portion of the day and evening..

He did not contact me until Monday morning…

At work I took a scheduled break and we would have a morning chat. He told me that Monday morning that he and his wife needed some time together to work through some things. I understood. I told him that pregnancy hormones can be overwhelming the first few months and to give it time. She would eventually adapt to the fluctuations and it would be ok. He seemed to want to continue our relationship…

Later that afternoon, I get a message from him asking if he could call me. I was available and took his call. He was in tears…

He said that he had lied to me and his wife. They both had made a rule about playing in BDSM with others. They had agreed neither were allowed to play with others in BDSM roles. I do not understand such rules. Why would anyone care if I am paddled/flogged/bitten/etc. before I engage in sexual relations with a lover? I suppose it does not matter given that their rules prevented either from such play. He wanted that with me and his rules forbade him. He betrayed their preset rules…and lied to me about his wife being “OK” with our play at the local club…

He said that he could not see me anymore due to his lie. We had only played at the club twice. This somehow was enough for his wife to forbid him from ever seeing me again. I am not excusing his lie, but she was not lenient at all in the matter. She sat there in the background while he cried on the phone apologizing for causing me pain. He clearly loves me. I asked to speak to her. That’s when she mentioned that had she thought I was really interested in speaking with her, then she would have. She asked if he had played with others, I said “No.” She focused so much on his lie. She said she was mad that he lied to both of us. I offered help for her in the event she needed it. She seemed gracious but I am certain it was a facade.

I would have been fine only being vanilla (no BDSM) with him but clearly this was not acceptable to her. She always had issues with me and this seemed to be the way to get rid of me…I have never met this woman…she would never meet me…

I receive a text later from Boy 3 asking me to remove pics from social sites involving our play. He was not in the pictures, but he wanted them deleted regardless of the fact the pics were only of my body. He said he was getting help for his lying problem. I felt they both clearly needed help but refrained from saying so.

The next day, he unfriended me on Facebook and deleted all of his twitter accounts.

I was completely erased from his existence…our 5 months together seemed to have meant nothing. This hurt more than anything else…I was leaving this relationship with nothing…not even a friend.

The last text I sent stated how it felt to be erased from his existence and that I would not contact him again…I cried over this for 5 days…

I cared for Boy 3…very much so…but…I should have paid attention to the warning signs. He and his wife clearly have issues and I was drug into them. She still gets to see him. I have nothing from this…except experience…and fond memories of things that once were and will never be again…

Being polyamorous can be utterly heartbreaking. Honesty and communication is key. I need to acknowledge the warning signs and recognize issues as they arise. I took a risk and it shattered me. Do I take the risk again? I was happy with Boy 3. I will hold onto that.

Thanks For Reading,

Melliscious xx

Addendum: In regards to the pregnancy hormones…I am not blaming them for anything. I feel they do tend to enhance some insecurities which may or may not be related to Boy 3’s behavior. I do not condone his lying but I do feel that there are problems on both sides.

I will also add that they are now claiming to be monogamous…

I am sure there are plenty of issues here. I only know what Boy 3 told me. Likely some things were lies…I will update as I find out new information…I am still hurting and will likely have a clearer head as things progress…

J and the River

Younger boys are quite appealing. They have stamina, endurance, and bend in interesting ways. Many are terribly immature. Fortunately I am currently dating a younger boy who is far more mature than the rest…but that is another story. This story is about J. He approached me on an online dating site sending me a well thought out and polite message. I thought he was attractive but nearly dismissed him due to his age. He was polite and an intellectual. I find intelligence sexy. We text each other for a few days and seemed to hit it off well. We schedule a date.

I meet him at a local bar and burger joint. I am not much of a burger person but indulge in one of their salads and have a rum and diet coke. He dives into his burger and beer. He has striking blue eyes, is a bit skinny, but later I find out he is quite strong. Turns out our birthdays are the same. We finish dinner, continue our conversation, and decide to head out to the river and watch the boats sail by.

It is a bit chilly outside. It is early October and the night is a bit cool. We snuggle into each other. He kisses me and we move in a bit closer. His hands start roaming. I am very attracted to him and allow him to proceed up my skirt. At this point, I had NEVER had sex on a first date. Things continue to progress and get rather hot…

He lays down his coat and I lie on top of it. He lies on top of me…whispers in my ear and says, “I wanna take you here.” this excited me and he removes my panties. We have sex in at least 3 positions on the side of the river lying on cobblestones. The dry grass that had now become straw breached the stones on which we coupled. The sex was intense and quite enjoyable. I knew if we were caught we were likely to be arrested. We were not far from one of the local police stations.

After we finished…

I quickly put myself back in order. He held and kissed me softly. We went to a local 24 hour diner and had a bit of breakfast. It was approximately 2 am and a weeknight at that. He went back over our evening and laughed as we slowly pulled pieces straw out of my hair. He then informed me that we entertained 2 homeless men and a couple of late night joggers gave him a “thumbs up” at one point. I was quite embarrassed by all of that. I had never had sex on a first date! I have had sex in public areas prior to that moment, but it was always a bit more discreet and without an audience!

We had good chemistry. It was fun while it lasted but he had poly relationship issues with his girlfriend and things could not progress with us. He later contacted me again saying things were different. They weren’t. He said he wanted me to be a submissive to him. We started to make plans. Come to find out, he is not poly. He is strictly casual sex which would have been fine with me had he not presented himself as otherwise. He was not honest. We do not talk now. He handled things in an immature manner. His lack of life experience was showing. I hated the way things ended, but he is using BDSM as a way to get laid…to convince girls he is an experienced Dominant when he has no clue as to what he is doing…

Bad ending…but that does not negate the fun nights we did share. We had lovely moments. I will always remember my night with J and the river…I was pulling straw out of my hair for days…and would smile…

Thank you for Reading,

Melliscious xx

The Accidental 3 Way from Hell…

As I journey into finding regular people to fill my life in this lifestyle, I utilize online dating sites to aid me in finding like minded individuals. I am not only looking for men but I am also curious about exploring sexual encounters with women. I was approached on an online dating site by a woman who was interested in chatting with me over drinks sometime. I am pretty new to dating women so I thought it would be fun to meet for a drink and see what transpires. After making plans twice and her having to cancel twice we finally settle on a workable night.

I arrive at the bar…She is late…

She texts me telling me that she is running behind due to her needing to put her daughter to bed. She has a boyfriend who periodically stays with her and she maintains that they are “open” in their relationship. She is bisexual and wants to continue to be involved with women but only needs her boyfriend to satiate her for her needs involving men. She finally arrives and is more than pleased with me. She has a difficult time keeping her hands off of mine. She is constantly stroking my arm and starts to play with my hair.

She says, “I’m sorry, but you are just GORGEOUS! I can’t seem to keep my hands off of you! I hope this doesn’t bother you too much.”

I meekly reply, “Thank you…Um, no…It’s ok, I guess.” I am a bit weirded out by this woman but she is cute and her enthusiasm was fun and interesting. Again, I am a total noob at this dating girls thing and had no idea what to expect.

We have drinks and a light snack. She tells me what she does for a living.  She does hair, makeup,  massage, and nails. She discusses how she would love to doll me up one night. Me, being the incredibly girly girl that I am, gets excited at the thought of having a makeover. I’m starting to think that this dating girls thing is going to be really cool! She was cute, seemed to totally dig me, and things were going well.

She then mentions that we could go back to her place and could hang out for a while. Her boyfriend is at the house and he would probably like to meet me. I give her a look. She says that there is no pressure and she just thought it would be nice to have a good chat. She also mentions that I should text her address to my husband so he does not worry. I recognize this as a sensible statement and consider this woman to be level headed and not a crazy. I agree to go back to her house. She pays the check. We head to her place.

Her house is an older home. It is quite lovely. Hardwood floors. Lovely art on the walls. Antique furniture… Her boyfriend is there. He is sitting at the dining room table drinking a beer. She introduces us. He is a Navy engineer and we begin to have a fun discussion in regards to physics. I am a bit of a science nerd and enjoy our conversation. She says she needs to shower but gets me some wine before she leaves the room and gives me a kiss. She tells us to sit a bit closer and to get comfortable. I start to get a tad suspicious…

I continue my science discussion with the engineer and we hit it off well. We have a few chuckles, discuss his designs for a device he is working on, drink a bit more wine…

She returns in a robe that is half open…

I’m thinking, “Ok, then…Well, it is her house and if she wants to parade around naked, that’s cool, I guess…”

She says that I should sit on her boyfriend’s lap and give him a kiss. I politely decline. We have a bit more wine and then she says she wants to show me something.

She takes me by the hand and brings me to her bedroom…

Within what feels like 30 seconds, she strips off my clothes and starts kissing me. I was into her. I wanted to see where things would go. I was rather impressed with her ability to strip me so quickly. This woman clearly had done this before…come to find out later, she had done lesbian porn. This woman was very much shorter than me. She managed to pick me up and toss me onto the bed like I was a ragdoll. We start making out heavily. Then her boyfriend walks into the room and starts to play music. He strips down and they both go down on me.

I start thinking, “Um…Am I having a 3 way? This got weird. But she is cute and the guy is hot. Ok. Um, I kinda wanna see where this goes.”

So they both are giving me oral sex while discussing how sweet I taste and that I must eat a lot of fruit. I don’t actually eat a lot of fruit but that’s beside the point, I suppose. She then lies beside me and starts groping and kissing me while he gives us both oral. Things are getting pretty hot and he is giving us both lots of attention.I’m thinking that this is pretty cool. I’m having fun. They are a bit weird but it’s hot.

Then things go awry…cos then the crazy shows up…(it actually had been showing up all night, I just didn’t pay attention…hind sight and all)

He goes to enter me. Before he enters, she angrily gets up out of the bed and says, “You JUST FAILED! THERE!” and storms out of the room.

I am lying naked on the bed. Her boyfriend has his cock in his hand. I am wondering what the hell just happened…

At that point they proceed to have an argument over him giving me more attention and that he had “tested her” earlier that week. I am still naked in her bedroom trying to piece together the fact that this 3 Way was some oddball, giant “loyalty test” for her boyfriend.

Was I just used? She finds me after I start getting dressed apologizing saying that it wasn’t anything that I had done. I agreed saying that OH NO, I didn’t do A THING wrong! I said that I’d be headed home to let the two of them work it out. She offered to give me some money because she felt bad. I politely declined and was a bit offended that she felt money would be necessary. She hugged and tried to kissed me after I got dressed. I quickly left the house as she said she would text me the next day.

The next day…

She does not text me but her boyfriend does saying that they have broken up and he thought we hit it off well. He wants to pursue things with me. I tell him that I think we all need time to process what happened the previous night. She had told me she had intentions of marrying this guy. I was not interested in jumping into anything with him after the events of the previous night. Also, I was considering the fact that their relationship was a serious one.

He continued to text me for a few days. I finally told him that I was not interested in pursuing anything with him and asked him to stop contacting me. At that point, he did.

Is it possible to have an accidental 3 Way? Yes. Do I recommend it? No. It could be said that this was a bit “rapey” to some extent, but I was a willing participant that never said “no”. I was curious and willing to see where things would go. It is my nature to explore new territories and try new things. I learned a lot that evening. It left me with a helluva story.

I have always liked a good story. The best kinds can be the ones that I am lucky enough to have a starring role…Albeit this one did not end well, but you only live once. I want my life to be an exceptional collection of stories…

You don’t get good stories sitting on the sidelines watching others live their lives…You get off of the stand, take the risks, and join in the game…

Thank you for Reading,

Melliscious xx

The Nutty French Professor…A Night chock full of CRAZY

In my journey of polyamory, I have encountered interesting people. One of the oddest dates I have ever been on involved a French professor. We briefly met once for a drink. He called me a few weeks later and asked me to meet him a a local bar. We had a lovely chat the last time so I agreed.

Our next date:

We met at the bar. I had a rum and coke and he had a beer. We chatted for a bit. He mentioned going back to his place to watch a movie and chat because the atmosphere there was loud. I gave him a concerned look. His response? “Don’t worry, I am not going to try to sleep with you.” I tell him that I am required to text my husband the address that I am at whenever I go out for safety purposes. He complies and gives me his information. I follow him in my car and we go back to his place…

He offers to make me a coffee.He brings the French press to the living room and makes it for me there. I sit on the couch. He pops in a movie called CHOKE then has a seat next to me. We barely say anything during the film. He does, however, develop a fascination for the curls in my hair. He slowly starts to pick apart the curls essentially frizzing my hair. He then takes his wolf like nails, scratches my leg and says, “I’m trying to see if I leave any marks on you.”

Bear in mind, we have barely spoken. He is taking odd liberties. After the film is done (film was about a sex addict), he says he needs to go outside for a smoke and asks if I’d like to join him. I agree due to the fact I am oddly curious as to what this odd man might do next…

We go on his balcony (it’s screened in so no fear of being pushed off the edge.). He takes his fingers and starts poking my ribs. I give him an odd look while thinking, “WOW! you are WEIRD aren’t you?” He asks me to turn around and proceeds poking me again. He says that he is trying to see if I am ticklish. He then takes my face into his hands and gives me a rather creepy grin. He frizzes my hair some more. Tis a bit unnerving…We go back inside…

At this point I am hoping that he doesn’t wield a butcher knife and think DINNERTIME! I really didn’t think I was in total danger for he knew that my husband knew where I was…

We sit on the couch and he goes back to destroying my hairstyle and scratching my legs. He looks at me and says that he would like to show me how he kisses but he has bad breath. I offer him a mint. He graciously accepts and I eat one as well.

He looks at me and says, “I guess I could have brushed my teeth since I am at home. It may have been faster than sucking this mint.”

I say, “Well, yes. You could also bite the mint.”

He says, “No it will ruin my teeth!” I give him an odd look… O.o

I tell him that I am going to read one of his French books while he waits for the mint to dissolve. Since I studied Spanish, I thought I might know a few French words..I was also starting to feel like I was in a perpetual Monty Python sketch so playing along with the weirdness became quite fun.

He finishes his mint and kisses me. He is not a bad kisser although his breath did smell of minty cigarettes, beer and coffee. I mention that there were no marks from his nails. He tells me that this is good to know. He says he would like to arrange a play date one night. I smile politely while I am yelling, “Oh HELL NO!” in my head.

He mentions that it is getting late. I agree and we walk to my car. He doesn’t kiss me goodnight or hug me. He says to be safe driving and tells me goodbye. He walks back to his apartment without turning around or waving…

The night does not stop here with the weirdness…

I drive home taking a route that leads me through an unsavory area. It was the fastest route home. I see a car had crashed into a light pole. I stop, get out and phone 911. I walk to the car to find a man slumped over the steering wheel. I ask him if he is ok and can walk. He gets out of the car and leans against the side. I see smoke rising from the car and instruct the man to go to the curb.

The man says, “My cigarettes and glasses are in my car. Will you get them?”

I say, “Sir, I am not going into a smoking car to get your glasses and your cigarettes are in your front pocket.” He pats his ass. I direct him to his shirt.

He says,”I’m not even gonna lie. I am drunk. Just know that I swerved to miss a person and crashed my car. Therefore I sacrificed to save someone’s life!” There was no one in sight.

A lady walks out of her home and tells me she wants to stand with me just for safety’s sake until the police arrive because the area was known for being high crime. I am grateful.

The man says again, “I am very drunk.”

Me, “Yes.”

Man says, “I fucked up my life tonight, didn’t I?”

Me, “Yes, yes you did.” The police arrive and tell me to head home. I make it home safely free from harm but with an unusual night of tales to tell. I have no idea what sort of play the Nutty French Professor wanted to do. I do know that it wouldn’t involve me. You meet all kinds in the kink world. He is one of the many odd ones I have encountered…

Lesson? Make sure someone knows where you are at all times when you are out..

Thanks for Reading,

Melliscious xx