The Gentleman Sir…

As a true switch, it is difficult to find Dominants that can effectively give me what my submissive side needs. My energy is strong. I intimidate many. As a Domme, I am quite fierce.

Most men come to me wanting me to top them or Domme over them. Other men see my energy and fierceness as some sort of challenge and try to take from me. They never get far with that.

I have truly submitted to only 2 people. By true submission, I mean completely gave all of myself in the moment. I did not fight back. I willingly gave as much of myself as I could.

The first Dom did not respect this. He asked me to give everything and I gave all that I could. He, in the end, was not worthy and was very hateful to me…He abused this and did not respect what I gave to him.

I did not truly submit again for well over a year…And it was to someone worthy… I call him the Gentleman Sir.

I first met the Gentleman Sir through friends via the internet. We chatted back and forth for a while. We began to see similar interests and philosophies in life, love, kink, and BDSM. Our chats went from weekly to daily and we began to develop a friendship.

He would tell me the importance of being given submission. He never wanted to take anything from me. He did not want a challenge from me. He wanted me to trust him. He wanted me to allow him to treasure me and what I gave to him. He said that he would push me to my limits, but he would catch me before I fell. He would hold me close to him…

This was something that I had not heard from Doms in the past. I was giving to him. He would not take from me. He would never try to do that. So many Doms would just expect me to play and I would say no. They would see this as a challenge to coerce me to play with them trying to find some forceful way in…they wanted to play for the sake of playing…and to boost their ego by topping a strong Domme publicly…

I tend to see right through such self entitled Doms…and the world is populated with a superfluous amount of them…

The Gentleman Sir and I continued to chat. I never promised play but I slowly started to open up…We took slow and steady steps towards each other. Our friendship continued to develop…We were cautious as we progressed and yet optimistic that this was something that we both needed in our lives.

The day came for us to meet…

We met over drinks one evening. He took me to a place that he knew would be a quaint and quiet spot for us to talk. He was warm, kind, doting, and affectionate. We had a deeper, heart to heart and face to face chat about many of the things we had discussed previously.

That evening, my high, barb wire covered walls came down. He knew I had personal things on my mind. I did not need to say a word. We had both listened to one another for months and could see clearly into each other at that point. He reached out to me, confronted my personal issues, and my defenses fell…I had let him in…and he knew this…

I became vulnerable. This is rare for me. I rarely weaken and allow people within my walls…I am very open and naked when people are inside of them. I started to feel a bit shaken and a bit afraid.

In this moment, he could have abused such power. He did not. He took my hand and kissed my brow…It was a tender and warm moment.

We had made some plans to have a date and play. He humbly said that he wanted to give me an opportunity to decline if I wanted…and if not, we would continue as planned. Being very much attracted to him, the events of the evening, and with everything that had transpired over the months; I absolutely wanted to continue with our plans.

The day of our play…

We spent the day going to a museum and garden. We are both intellectuals and greatly enjoy such things. He knew the museum and garden well. He took me to the parts he knew I would find interesting. We strolled through the gardens. He would stop and kiss me ever so sweetly.

I had teased him earlier on the journey there. I was wearing a white lace dress and thigh high stockings…I slowly lifted my skirt to show him. He smiled devilishly. When he found the moment, he pulled me close to him and passionately kissed me…his hands softly touching my face and his lips trailing down my neck…I also teased him on the journey back…He said I was a naughty girl for teasing him and I would pay for it later…

We had a wonderful day. Our conversation was lovely. We were very affectionate with one another. The chemistry was incredible. I could not wait for our evening of play.

We went to my room…

He instructed me to wait for him in my room and he would follow shortly thereafter. I prepared for him. I freshened up and laid out the toys for him…he knocked on the door…I opened it…

He walked in the room, put his hand on my throat and pushed me up against the wall. He kissed me. He told me to walk over to the bed. He looked me over and smiled saying how perfect I looked. He instructed me to sit on the bed. I sit.

He lifted my chin with his finger and said, “You are only to speak when spoken to. You will follow my instructions. If I ask you a question you will give me a thorough and honest answer. Do you understand?”

I quietly say, “Yes, Sir.”

He walks over to the table where the toys are and starts looking through them. I tell him that I have laid them all out for him. He smiles, walks over to the bed, kisses me on the cheek and calls me a good girl. He then tells me to stand up…I follow his direction…

He pulls the top of my dress down exposing me with exuberance as if I were a present on Christmas morning. He puts his hand on my throat, tilts my head back and bites my neck. As he bites me, I gasp and he explores my chest with his other hand…

He walks me to the side of the bed with his hand on the back of my neck.

He turns me around and says, “What kind of reward should I give you when you are a good girl?”

I softly say, “A kiss…please, Sir.”

He says, “A kiss? That is quite reasonable and sweet.”

He instructs me to get onto the bed on all fours. He lifts up my dress and tells me how much he admires the view. He says he never wants to hear me complain about my bottom…ever. He said it is perfection.

He proceeds to paddle and flog me. I moan, whimper, and cry out. He pauses from time to time to softly and delicately run his fingers along the curves of my body. My body lifts to meet his hand… He mentions how receptive I am.

He tells me how many prefer their submissives naked. He says that he sees the beauty in the disheveled look…He says he will not remove my panties until they are wet. He pauses to take a mental picture…to create a solid memory.

He tells me to lie on my back…he pins my arms down and lays on top of me…he proceeds to bite all over my neck and chest. He smiles after each bite and each whimper I make…he then kisses me…

He asks me how I am feeling…I say that I am enthralled…He says that this is a good answer…

He then restrains my arms behind my back with silk. He notices the mirror with a chair in front of it. He tells me to sit in the chair and face the mirror.

He says, “I want you to see this. Do you trust me?” I nod and I watch him put his gloved hand over my nose and mouth. His gaze is intense as he holds my breath in his hand. I make a soft sound and squirm a bit. He releases his hand and I gasp. He repeats this a few more times…he then removes his glove and places his fingers into my mouth…I trace my tongue along his fingers…

I want to please him and give him pleasure…He senses this…He teases me allowing me to taste him briefly…he then tells me that there will be more later. He directs me to stand and he kisses me…he tells me that I am such a good girl…

He instructs me to return to the bed on my knees and my head down…My arms are still restrained…He paddles and flogs me some more. He then removes the silk restraints and tells me to lie on my back once more…

He grabs a vibrating wand and lies beside me. He places the wand on the outside of my panties. He tells me I am not allowed to cum without his permission. He teases me changing the speed and I squirm…He tells me that he knows that it is a bit of torture for me. I feel waves of pleasure and I start to ache…

His hand moves up my thigh…My white satin panties give me away as they are wet…He smiles and then removes them and mentions how soaked they are.

He has me stand and restrains me with cuffs and carbiner clamps behind my back. He tells me to get on my knees on the bed and put my head down towards the bed. I am vulnerable and completely open to him. He spanks me in a random rhythm….some hit hard and some hit softly…from time to time he pauses and tells me how beautiful I am and how beautifully I suffer for him. He leans in and whispers in my ear that he thinks I can take much more…I agree with a soft, “Yes, Sir.” He then paddles me with another harder toy…I feel the sting much more and he comments on how well I mark.

His fingers lightly graze the heated areas where I was spanked and paddled…I sigh and open up a bit more to him…his fingers penetrate me…

I long for more…

He instructs me to lie on my stomach with my legs straight…I feel his body weight on top of me and that gloved hand across my mouth and nose…His hand lingers there a bit longer and I squirm under his weight.

He says, “There is so much trust in breath play. You literally are holding someone’s life in your hands…their very breath…I love feeling you squirm underneath me…” He removes his hand and I gasp for air…

He places his hand over my mouth and nose again…it stays a bit longer…I squirm a bit more and whimper…He holds me down tightly and then removes his hand…I gasp over and over again…he rubs my hair and soothes me telling me that I am ok…

He tells me to lie back onto my back…He grabs another wand, lies back on the bed and sets the second wand aside. He asks me if I will cum for him. I softly say yes…He grabs the wand and presses it between my thighs on the highest setting. He moves it ever so slightly as to find the one spot that gives me the most pleasure.

He says, “Right there…that is the spot…” and smiles.

He starts kissing my neck and my chest as I moan and cry out from each wave of pleasure…He kisses me…He then opens my legs a bit more, repositions, and uses both internal and external wands on me…He kisses my inner thighs and nibbles on them while I squirm…without him saying to do so, I ask for permission to cum. He grants it and I cum once more…He comments on how beautifully I cum.

I remember him asking me a question in this moment…I believe it was in regards to if I wanted him to stop…I remember responding with a gasping, “I don’t know…” He smiles and laughs a bit as he continues to play with me and the toys.

He finally stops and lies next to me. He asks me how I am feeling and I say that I am happy. He asks me what I am thinking of and I respond…”Only you, Sir.”

He helps me to roll onto my stomach. He removes the restraints and gives me a moment to regain composure. Once I regain composure, he calls me to the side of the bed and I taste him once more…with my hands freed to explore him a bit…I was eager to please him…

Afterwards…

He says that he can not have a complete evening without watching me dance.I gave him options for my costume. He picked the one he wanted me to wear. I slowly removed my dress and bra…and put on my costume while under his intense gaze.

I did find it difficult to dance for him after play. I was a bit out of it but managed to dance to 2 songs and bring a smile to his face, a bit of laughter, and applause…I returned to the bed and sat in front of him…He said I did well and kissed me.

He tells me he wants to see his work. I remove the bottom portion of my costume…The top remained on me and jingled as I returned to being on all fours on the bed. He noticed marks were fading a bit and paddled me a bit more…With every hit, my costume jingled with music as I cried out…He said he would love to have his very own dancing slave girl…He paddled and spanked me a bit longer then sat on the bed…

He said he was pleased with me and I was a good girl…I immediately crawled into his lap, threw my arms around him, and held him close to me.

He smiled and sighed…He held me so close and kissed me sweetly…I did not want him to let me go…I did not want to let him go…

Throughout our play he gave me wine and water as I requested it. He was doting and told me how strong and beautiful I am…

I did not want the evening to end…

I had given so much of myself to him…and he treasured it. He respected it. He adored it. I felt cared for, protected, pushed, beautiful, strong and treasured…the polar opposite of the other Dom of whom I had submitted to previously.

And truly…I gave The Gentleman Sir so much more of myself than I gave the other Dom…because this second one is worthy and treasured what I was giving to him…

I miss him…very, very much…We can not play frequently or see one another regularly due to our locations…

Yet… every day we chat…He tells me how lovely and wonderful I am. He tells me how much he can not wait to see me again. We are close. We have let one another in behind our high walls. We respect one another and are grateful to be a part of each other’s lives…I feel treasured, cared for, protected, and adored by him…even now…

THIS is what I need as a submissive…I will receive anything you give me and give you all that I have…but what I give needs to be treasured, respected, adored, and appreciated…

I count the days until I can see my Gentleman Sir once again…I want to put my arms around him once more, kiss him, see him smile, hear him sigh and tell me how much he treasures me and what I give him…

I know he will hold me in the palm of his hand. He will not drop me or break me…he will not abandon me…He has promised this and has kept his word thus far… ❤

Thank You For Reading,

Melviscious xx

The Drummer Boy…

Following the trend…I was contacted by a Drummer Boy on an online dating site nearly a year ago. We exchanged phone numbers and texted to one another. We set up a date and I had to cancel due to unforeseen circumstances. Communication stopped for months. He then started texting me again. He said he had recently gotten out of a relationship and was looking to date again. He texted me for months then gained the courage to ask me out once more…

We meet at a bar and he has a vodka and club soda with lime waiting for me. His conversation is a bit scattered but we still have a good chat. We have a few more drinks then he says he is interested in going cosmic bowling. (Cosmic bowling is bowling in black lights while techno music is playing). But first we must run by his house and let out his dogs… I agree to go…

We arrive to his house and it is filled with musical instruments. Me, being the music lover and modest performer that I am, walk around and survey the musical gear. I am impressed. He then finds out that I can sing and brings up the idea of us staying at his place to record music. Again, I being the performance geek that I am, agree. We record LOVE ME TENDER by Elvis Presley.

I am my own worst critic. He and I do several takes. He compiles it together and we are rather pleased with how things turn out. He then discusses my bellydancing and his interest in learning the drum beats related to the musical form. I play the music on my Kindle Fire and he decides we need a dance and drum jam…

He goes to his drums and I improvise a bellydance. So far the only turnoff is his awkwardness…I have found that drummers tend to be their own type of character. No 2 drummers are ever alike and they tend to always be a bit awkward and/or odd. He was definitely odd, but I was curious…

We drink…A LOT. I indulge in rum and ginger ale. He drinks the rum straight out of the bottle. We then watch Youtube videos. Somehow we managed to watch a documentary on the set designer of the show Pewee’s Playhouse. He then suggests we go and make out in his bedroom. It is 3 am and time has gotten away from me. The only thing is…I am currently undergoing my cycle…

I always find moments like this awkward. I’ve never found a tactful way to politely impress upon an individual that my lady parts are indisposed. We go to his room. I lie in his bed and we start kissing. I politely say that things are rather inconvenient at the moment.

He returns with, “Oh is it that time of the month? Aunt Flow is visiting. It doesn’t bother me. We don’t have to have sex. Or we can. No pressure.”

We continue to make out. He then pulls off my pants. I am rather tipsy and terribly curious as to what he would do next. I figured we wouldn’t be having sex. His body language did not suggest that we would. It is hard to explain. I thought that we would get to “heavy petting” but not beyond that.

He then does something I have NEVER had this happen to me prior to this moment…

He pulls out my tampon and throws it across the room…I’m not going to lie…This FREAKED ME OUT.

He then pulls out not one but two vibrators and starts playing with me with them…

I have a small orgasm…forced mind you…He asks for nothing in return…

He stands up and says, “Oh look. I have made a mess. I should clean this up.”

I mention that it is really my mess and I am terribly embarrassed. He says that he exacerbated the situation and it is no big deal. He leaves the room and returns with a wet and warm washcloth and towel. He then cleans me up…He took it upon himself to actually clean me up…I am quite embarrassed and have no clue in how to deal with the awkwardness I was feeling…

He then goes to looking for the tampon he threw across the room…he found it…I was horrified again….

He says, “Oh look! Here it is. It’s ok. You needed to change it anyway.”

Once again…I was terribly embarrassed…I tell him this…he tells me that it is all ok and just a part of being a woman.

I admire his progressive nature in things, however, I still found all of this incredibly awkward and odd.

Rather than cuddle with me, he grabs his pillow and says, “Ok…you need to go to sleep. I’ll let you rest now.”

He leaves the room and goes into the living room to sleep. I am left in his bed. I wake a few hours later and quietly leave his house…

I text him thanking him for the evening and that I didn’t want to wake him…

He responds later agreeing it was a fun night…I have not heard from him since…

I was quite off put by the whole tampon issue…I even struggled with blogging about it. I think we’d be good friends, but not beyond that. The whole issue left me with an awkward feeling…and to be frank…I am still trying to cope with the oddity of it all.

Thanks for Reading,

Melliscious xx

Vanilla Nazi Jesus Boy…

I am finding that there are all sorts of people who will contact me interested in establishing a “poly” relationship. I am very cautious with any message I receive on any given dating site. Many men that send me messages think that “poly” means I am indiscriminate and will sleep with anyone. This is NOT the case. I do not have a large amount of sexual partners. I am not really into “one night stands” unless the mood is right and things go in that direction. I am capable of casual sex with certain friends without the demands of a poly relationship. However, even the casual relationships that I have with friends…they are WITH FRIENDS…With the key word being FRIENDS. In these cases, I’ve established a rapport and understanding with them.

Many of the messages I receive on these sites are from married men. I have come across many men who are inclined to cheat on their spouses. I am ethical in my polyamory. I will not be an instrument to an end of a marriage. If I think a man is a cheater, or if he outright says so, it is a deal breaker. I avoid drama in my life and do not want to cause anyone grief.

I was approached on a dating site by a man who said he was in a poly marriage. We chatted a bit seemed to have good conversation. We had common interests and communicated well. I was still a bit leery of this man in regards to the fact that his wife did not seek relationships outside of the marriage. In the cases that I am familiar, both spouses have some play outside of their own relationship. We continue to talk. He says he is unavailable in the evening, for whatever reason (a bit of a red flag to me), so we agree to have lunch during his work day (I was off work).

He works an hour away from me…

I drive out towards his work where he asks me to meet him at a chicken fast food restaurant. I arrive and he is not there. He texts me saying he is running behind and he shows up 15 minutes later.

I was amazed by his appearance. If M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice had a mutant baby…it would be this guy. He wore pinstriped “Hammer Pants“, a tattoo style button up shirt, white suede wing tip shoes, and a bluetooth lodged in his ear as an accessory. His bluetooth remained in his ear our entire lunch. This guy looked like a 90’s douchebag. I was trying my best not to judge him by his fashion sense alone…we walk to the fast food counter.

I order my lunch thinking he MIGHT buy since I drove out so far for his convenience. I wasn’t going to expect it, but where I live this would be considered an unspoken courtesy due to high gas prices. I order a salad and an ice water for a grand total of $7. He places his order then the total is given. He gives me a look. I look at the cashier and politely ask her to divide the bill. He says that he will get it next time. I smile and say nothing.

We walk to one of the booths and sit down. It is very difficult for me to take him seriously given his “Ice Ice Baby” appearance but sit an wait for him to speak. He opens his mouth and things only get worse…He is clearly a heavy right winger…

I had chatted with him once online and said JESUS CHRIST in an exclamation via text, and he corrected me. THAT should have been a red flag then…

He tells me he is working to become a deacon in his church and goes to Bible study every Wednesday night. I found it odd that he was so religious and found polyamory to be ok given his traditional sense of Christianity. I ask him about this and he flat out says that he just wants more women.

In regards to me, I am an atheist and have told him this. I mention that again and say that I do appreciate his right to religion and faith. He starts talking about the Bible and all of these references to women and sex.

He continues with his Bible talk, looks at me, and says, “Oh, I must be boring you. You probably don’t understand anything that I am talking about.”

I respond with, “No, not at all. I studied religions in college, have  read 4 different versions of the Bible, the Dead Sea Scrolls, the Nag Hammadi, as well as other Gnostic texts. Have you read any of those? For example, the Gospel according to Mary Magdalene or the Apocryphon of Peter?”

He looks stunned and says, “I’ve only read the King James version…” We stop talking religion.

He then moves onto black people. He says he works with black people and that they all agree that black people are a problem with society. He says they all discuss that black people are a big issue with our city in regards to crime and drugs. He rationalizes that it is ok for him to discuss black people in this manner because his coworkers are black and they agree.I was FLOORED.

People choose to behave the way that they do. It is not because of their skin color… So this guy is a racist…

He goes onto discuss welfare and how he wishes to resolve the issues involved with it. He thinks anyone on welfare should earn their keep and be put into “work camps”. I mention that that sounds a bit “Nazi” and probably would not go over very well. He states that it would be OK if we just said we are “going green”.

I have nothing to say to this man at this point…

He then says that he thinks he should run for President and that I should be his running mate. I politely decline saying that I am not cut out for the job that he wants me to do. He reassures me that I’d be great.

The lunch comes to and end and not soon enough. I walk out to my vehicle and he follows. He tells me he had a lovely time and that he’ll come out closer to me next time we go out.

I awkwardly say, “Oh…yeah…I’ll be seeing you…”

He responds with, “You better!”

He tries to kiss me and I dodge his lips. I am utterly disgusted by this man and cut off all communication.

After 3 months of radio silence. He starts texting me again. I ignore. He then sends me messages on the dating site he initially contacted me. I ignore. After a week of texts, I politely say, “I’m not interested in pursuing anything further with you. Good luck on your search. Have a good day.”

He messages me again on the dating site asking why I am not interested. I thought it best not to respond although a twitter friend said that I should tell him, “Because I call you Nazi Jesus Boy”.

The world is full of diversity. I encounter a myriad of individuals trying their best to find companions in this life…Perhaps there is someone out their for our Nazi esque, racist, uber Jesus, Vanilla Ice wannabe. That someone was clearly not me.

Thank You for Reading,

Melliscious xx

Awkward Number 1

When my husband and I made the decision to be “open”, I started to set up profiles on various dating sites. One was more adult driven and it was not uncommon for me to log onto my account and have 100 emails from penis pictures. It would literally be a forest of erect penises in avatar pics. It became quite stressful after a while. I was being hounded by an army of dicks telling me all the ways that they could make me orgasm. Sometimes I would make funny voices for these talking penises and amuse myself. I gave many of them cartoon voices according to the tone of the message and the pic itself….But I digress…

I am approached on this site by a man with an actual face picture and a polite message of interest…

It was easy to spot the non penis pic guys because there were so few of them and honestly…a dick pic is a dick pic and they all blend together after a while. I read his profile. He was a handsome Navy fitness trainer. He lived nearby. He had a little girl and seemed to have a solid head on his shoulders. We chatted a bit, exchanged numbers, texted and made a date to meet.

We met at a Sushi bar and had a lovely chat. He was handsome with gorgeous green eyes and quite fit. He walks me to my car and kisses me bye…twice. He was very gentlemanly and sweet. This was my second date, but first real possibility for a sexual encounter as a newly poly girl. The first guy was uncomfortable with the poly lifestyle. This new guy was not bothered by it. We make plans for an evening at his place for dinner, movie, video games.

The day comes when I go to visit his place…and with the lovely timing of nature…I get my period. I decide not to outright tell him this because there really is no nice way of saying, “Hey! Guess what? We are gonna have a GREAT time tonight ESPECIALLY if you are into bleeding vaginas!” I decide to go on with the evening to see how things unfold…

I carry on with making dinner, having wine and conversation. We play ROCK BAND on his Xbox and then watch a film. He starts kissing me and things begin to get heated. I then tell him at this point that I have actually started my period…

His response? “I don’t care, I will put down a towel if I have to.” It never really bothers me to have sex while I am menstruating. I actually find it soothing on cramps. I thought it might be awkward for a first time sexual experience for us as a couple. Nevertheless, I agree and we go to his bedroom.

I excuse myself to his bathroom and “handle things” before we get to going at it…He is naked and waiting for me in his bed. I tell him that I practice safe sex and use condoms. He is not used to using condoms but I insist. We continue foreplay some more with me on a towel…yes he laid out a towel…then he goes to put on the condom…

The condom is too big…

It wasn’t a triple x massive cock type of condom. It was a standard size Trojan condom. I was embarrassed for him. I was impressed by his persistence in trying to have sex with me with a condom that fit like a plastic shopping bag on a bunch of carrots. It kept slipping off and he kept saying he was not used to condoms. I could see why given that the standard size did not fit him. He probably had a hard time finding condoms that fit.

I could barely feel him inside of me. There was not much hope of gaining an internal orgasm but maybe his pounding into me might do something? He pulled my hair at one time and started talking dirty which was an admirable effort but all in all…I had a tiny orgasm earlier in the foreplay, and he did not get there at all.

We stopped and went to the kitchen for a snack on the leftovers…

We watched a little more of the film. I got dressed then went home. We texted each other a little bit after that then he fell off of the planet. Probably was for the best. The whole evening was a giant mess of awkward. We would not be able to give one another what we needed.

I will say that I have never been with a man that was too small to fit a standard sized condom. I am betting the horror of that moment probably killed the evening for him. And I felt horrified for him.

THAT was my first sexual encounter as a newly poly girl. Happy that I was wise enough to realize that there was more on the horizon and I just had to keep looking…

And another interesting addition to my collection of life’s stories…

Thank you for Reading,

Melliscious xx

How I started…And how things with a very close friend fell apart…

I have been married 13 years. For nearly 2 of those years, we have been “open”. Essentially, we are “poly” aka polyamourous. Since year 2 of our marriage, I wanted to branch out into other relationships. My husband did not want this for our marriage, so we remained monogamous for 11 years. I never cheated on him. He has never cheated on me. Our marriage was fine. No major issues. We weren’t as happy though as we are now.

How and why did we become poly?

I was approached by a man on Twitter with whom I chatted with daily. Over several months, we began to open up to one another. We shared thoughts, dreams, flirted, and started to become close. We Skyped often and had lovely chats. He told me of his poly marriage. I became intrigued. I told him of how I was becoming interested in other men…him included…heh. He directed me to a book called “Opening Up”. Quite a good book, actually. It discussed several different relationships of real people living an open lifestyle. I took it to my husband. Given our long history of trust and strength in our relationship, he agreed to give it a try.

The man on Twitter had become a close friend to me. He continued to offer advice, flirt, show concern, and check on me when I was struggling. I adored him. He’d even ask for pics of me when I’d mention wearing something new to the local BDSM club…Another aspect of kink that I sought out when having discussions via Skype with him in regards to his adventures. I forwarded him the site for the local club and asked him to check it out to see if he felt it was OK. He seemed knowledgeable and never steered me wrong with his advice. I would have an awful date, tell him about it and he would respond, “Remember Melli, assholes don’t get second chances…” I trusted him implicitly…

After we would have a flirty, fun, and sometimes racy exchange of words on Twitter, he would ask when I was coming to his town. I naturally assumed this meant to visit him. He had developed a collection of pictures, we had suggestive exchanges. He was always there when I needed him. I became interested in him. I knew we were friends. I had no anticipation or expectation of anything more in regards to our friendship. I was sexually interested in him. If there was chemistry there when I visited, I wanted to pursue that avenue. If not, it would be ok. We could still stay friends. He agreed to everything that was said and I had no reason to believe anything otherwise…

Things fell apart…terribly…

The man on Twitter was struggling with his life. Sometimes he would tell me that he was getting overwhelmed. I offered assistance, a smile, a laugh, anything to cheer him. He would usually decline and say he was ok. I worried about him. He still expressed interest in me and once more I had no reason to believe otherwise. I told him of all my intentions and he did not seemed bothered by them but would smile when we’d chat seemingly excited at the thought…We were looking forward to my visit.

The day comes and we meet…We are both all smiles. Hugs, cuddles and being close to one another comes naturally. One moment we embrace…he holds me tight, kisses me, pulls my hair and then tells himself “No…no”. I was puzzled by this. Later we are in a bar having a drink and he wraps his arm around me and grabs my ass a bit. I give him a look as I snuggle into him. He says his hand just naturally gravitates to that area…He even compliments my ass. We had a lovely day. We had spent the entire day together and had a few other nights planned.

I had no clue what was to happen next…

Our next night was a science talk at a Museum. We are both intellectuals and enjoyed such talks. We met before hand for a drink. He seemed shaken. I began to flirt and speak suggestively to him. He started to tremble a bit and quickly down his beer. He said that me sitting close to him was making him nervous. I didn’t understand. We had such a lovely date previously. Adding the fact we had spoken and chatted for a year and a half at that point. Chemistry was clearly there and he was more than willing to make passes. He then says that he can not sleep with me “because things happen when I sleep with people”. To this day I have no clue what that means. He would not discuss the issue. He kept asking me not to press the matter. He did not want me to ask questions…

Well, being the kind of girl I am…

I was not satisfied with the “because I said so” answer. All it did was frustrate and hurt me because he was refusing to be honest with me.I was not about to let this go…nor should I have…

Our next night involved me cooking dinner for him and his wife. We later went to a BDSM event at a club that was primarily a “meet and greet” involving music and booze. He actually danced with me a bit, kissed me a few times and bought us drinks. I am actually a dancer and had a wonderful time on the dance floor. I received ample attention from others. One moment I was suggestively dancing on a bench near a column. I saw my friend staring at me. He would slowly drink his beer and was clearly enjoying what he was seeing. He later denied that he was perving on me. I am a grown woman. I know when a man looks at me with such eyes. Fool I am not…Another man walked by me, paused and lightly touched me suggestively. He wasn’t groping me or touching me inappropriately. He was just admiring me. After he left, my friend immediately came close to me and in an angry voice exclaimed that said guy was a “man whore”. I was shocked that he would say such a thing given that we were not going to be intimate. WHY did he care? He did not want me but had issues with others who did? Or did he want to approve of the people of whom I was interested? He told me that he felt the need to be responsible for me. I asked him not to feel that way. He had taken it upon himself to be responsible. I also said that I wanted a real kiss from him. He said he would give me one next time.

Next date we met for a drink prior to an art show. He kissed me passionately. It was lovely. He seemed to enjoy it. I then express that I am dealing with things accordingly and to not worry about me. I then try to get him to answer a few more questions in regards to why he is incapable of casual sex. Chemistry was there. He seemed to enjoy my company. I wanted some answers. He again says that we would not be making out anymore and that we would not have sex. He said he did not want more responsibility. I did not understand this. How would sleeping with me add more responsibility? I lived far away and was not looking for more than what we had. He also asked me to stop pressing the issue. I was fine not having sex but I wanted to know why and he wouldn’t tell me. He refused to be honest with me and it angered me. I had always been forthright and completely honest about things on my end. Even that night after the art show, he kissed me goodnight.

The next day was a 3 hour text fight of me asking him to explain things to me. I was hurting because he was not being honest with me. I was confused, frustrated and angry. He was supposed to be my friend and I needed to understand what was happening. Basically he spent 3 hours telling me he never really wanted to pursue me sexually (because of issues he never told me regardless of the attraction), he had hoped I’d get over it, he had no intention of ever telling me, and that he never led me on. He refused to take full responsibility for his actions. I was completely blindsided.

I spent some time with other friends while on the trip. I then decided I would not go with him to a concert but spend time with people who wanted to be around me. I texted him saying he would be attending the concert alone. He was upset by this. I did offer to meet him one last time prior to the concert to have a drink and say goodbye. He agreed and said he’d love to see me once more.

The evening comes to meet him for that final drink. I sit clearly perturbed. He giggles and says that I look angry. This infuriates me. I lay into him telling him how angry I am and that I did not appreciate his lack of honesty. I truly believed he was interested in me and he gave me no reason to believe otherwise. I felt he encouraged me many times. I tell him that is the same as being deceitful. He does not agree. I bring up all these examples and he sits in silence as tears start to well up in his eyes. My heart breaks when I see this. Clearly he was not ready for the reality of me. I ask him if I confuse him he says “yes” and tell him to ask questions to relieve this confusion. His only question was “Will you still be my friend?” Then tears roll down his cheeks. I am dumbfounded. I hold him as he cries with his head on my chest. He is broken. He is damaged. He is emotionally immature. I tell him that I will always be his friend and that I care for him. I wanted to be a support to him. We cuddled for a bit and he asked me one more time to go to the concert with him. I declined as I had made plans with others who truly wanted to see me. We parted ways…

After I returned home, things blew up in email and direct messages on Twitter. I forced him to tell me the truth. He did not like this and he was distressed. He still avoided my questions. Denied ever being attracted to me. Said he didn’t care for me like I thought he did but then changed and said that I was very close to him. His emails became seasoned like a politician avoiding questions and responsibility. He said he was in therapy and seemed to use this as an excuse for his behavior. After reading this, I sent him his own words when he direct messaged me from my old email notifications from an account I rarely use. My twitter notifications apparently go there and I didn’t realize just how many messages he had sent until I checked. I thought this would help him see my perspective and piece together what actually happened. There were hundreds and many were incredibly suggestive expressing interest in me. He still denied his words and said that he had no idea anyone would ever take him seriously…this over a span of a year and a half with him knowing for months and months that I was visiting…plus our regular Skype calls…I had no idea what was real over that year and a half…still am struggling with it. Was/Am I truly his friend? Did/Do I mean anything to him?

Things fell apart and we stopped talking…He pushed me away…I blocked him on one of my accounts…for my own sanity…I cried that day. He was a close friend to me. I had let him in, he helped me to change my life and now he was shutting me out.

That was this Summer…I returned in the Fall…

I made plans to return in the fall. We had barely spoken to one another. We had not Skyped. he refused saying he was too busy although he had made time in the past. He did not email. Sometimes he would check on me but that happened less and less. I mentioned to him that I was visiting again to see friends. he said that would be a good time to catch up. Even though he expressed interest in seeing me, it was nearly impossible to get him to commit to dates. He would only see me during lunches. We made 2 lunch dates.

Lunch date one, he greeted me and offered his arm as we went to the restaurant. We had a pleasant discussion. I mentioned he never returned my email from months earlier although he had promised. He said that he didn’t know what more he could say. He never answered my questions. I told him that I had missed him and I had gotten over things. I mentioned I felt he had not missed me. He looked at me puzzled and asked why I thought that. I said that he never talks to me, never asks me how I am doing, basically never speaking to me as if I am a friend. He says nothing. Later, he looks at me closely with care in his eyes and a sad look that I would describe as longing. I ask him what he is thinking. He says, “It’s interesting how life turns out.” I have no idea what he meant by this. He never told me. We had a lovely chat. He’d put his arm around me as we walked and pull me close. He said how proud he was of me of how well I was doing with my job and life. I had missed him…terribly…He still confuses me. I walked him back to work. He hugged me. …I mentioned I felt he might be pretending to like me. He said I was being silly, that of course he liked me…That he cared and I am his friend. He kissed me on the cheek and went back to work.

Lunch date two I was getting a bit weepy. I wanted to try to work through things and I would not get to see him for more than an hour again. I was also sad that in a few days I was leaving a beautiful city that I loved full of people I cared for. I felt frustrated because he was keeping his distance and avoiding questions. We again have a good chat. At times he is relaxed and seemed to enjoy himself. Other times he became guarded and shut down. I mention that I really wanted to see him again and invited him to a show with free tickets. he had mentioned he might go. Then he said he was busy and could meet for a quick drink. I mention that I am frustrated and wanted to chat a bit more. I mentioned he would always have opportunities to see those locally but I didn’t know when I’d be back. He said he didn’t have time. He made time my first trip. He would not make time this trip. He asked me what I was doing that afternoon. I thought he was inviting me to do something with him. I said I had not planned anything yet. He said he was going to decide for me. He said he was going to walk me to two museums and  I was going to go into them. I didn’t really have an interest in going to any museums that day…especially by myself seeing I was already a bit weepy. We got to the museums. He told me that I was to go inside, get a visitors pass, take pictures and tweet about it. It was regular behavior for him to dictate to me instructions. He had in the past told me that we would not leave a pub unless I finished eating regardless of the fact I had a large lunch. He had said that he did not see my lunch and so I was to eat more. I said I wasn’t going to go to the museums because I did not feel like it. I said I was very sad about leaving. He looked at me with a coffee and snack in his hand and said that he only had coffee and snack to cheer me. I mentioned I would like cuddles or hugs. He said that he couldn’t because he had to go to work. He wouldn’t even hug me…yet felt he could dictate instructions to me. I said I would walk him back to work. We get back to his office. He goes to hug me and I refuse. He then says, “So you’re not going to hug me?”. I then hug him closely…he hugs back and says I have to stop cuddling him. He needs to go to work. He says that he’ll see me the next night for a quick drink and give me a kiss then. We part ways…

I only saw him 5 minutes the next night because communication had failed in regards to text and him getting a new phone. He barely spoke to me but chatted to the other person I was with. He would put his arm around me while speaking with the other and rub my back. He finally looked at me, told me to have a safe trip home, and kissed me on the cheek. We left.

I traveled back home…Since then we have emailed. He still dictates the terms of our friendship. He did not respond to my last email ignoring my questions. He indirectly accused me of causing drama because I asked questions. He said he had no time for a friendship with me and was reluctant to get close again because it went bad last time. I mentioned that all was lovely until he was dishonest.

I have TRIED to be a friend to him and I am still trying. Clearly we have different definitions of the word. I told him to speak to me when he is ready to be real friends that both of us need. I have offered support, affection, friendship, and care. He has said no thanks to everything except a friendship exclusively on his terms. We sometimes chat on twitter, but it is at a very cautious distance. He never initiates conversation with me. I doubt he’d even talk to me if I didn’t start conversations.

It is my belief that he is afraid. He is afraid to hurt me. Afraid to be intimate with me for fear of becoming attached even more or developing strong feelings. Afraid that if he does become attached that he will not be able to see me so often because I live so far away. He seems afraid to lose me outright. Bottom line…he is afraid. It is his fear that drives this. I only know what I am told. This is what I have gathered from our conversations. He will likely never admit this…

I have no clue why he wants me to be in his life…it seems it is only to be on his terms. I feel like an object that has been collected….a trophy of sorts…come to find out I am not the only person that has been through similar incidents with him.

Yet, I still care…He helped me change my life. He showed me so many things and taught me so much. I have met wonderful people because of him. He says he cares and I am his friend…Then I feel tossed aside and treated like I am insignificant. We. Were. VERY CLOSE. He has no idea what this does to a person.

He has been very much an asshole to me…regardless of the fact he is broken and damaged… I should take his advice…one of the first things he ever taught me, “Remember Melli, assholes don’t get second chances.”

And yet…here we are on chance three…I don’t like throwing away something that was once lovely…

I still don’t know anymore…I had hoped blogging this would help me clarify things. I know he will likely read this and will not comment. He will likely ignore it. He does not like confrontation. He does not handle it well and lacks the ability to communicate properly unless it involves flirting. I speak the truth and pushed every button he had when I was with him. I still do…not because I am angry or frustrated with him…and at times I am…especially with his dodging my questions…But he needs real people telling him the truth of his actions and how he affects others.

It is the unpleasant things that make us grow. A peach tree can be chopped down to almost nothing and will grow back even stronger the next season. It will reinforce it’s vascular system, it’s bark will become firmer and tougher..and it will bear more fruit…

I have grown and learned from this…I am poly and into a kink scene because he ushered me into this lifestyle…and I thank him for that. However, I have no idea what the next step is or where things with him will end up…there are too many questions that only he has the answers…

I will return…I suppose we will see how things go…

Thank you for reading my first post,

Melliscious xx