Rape Culture in the Poly World

Being polyamorous, I sometimes find it difficult to find partners who understand the parameters of the poly lifestyle. At first, I thought that it was because many misunderstood what being “poly” means. There are many types of non-monogamy. For me, being “poly” involves developing lasting relationships that have emotional attachment. I am not into one night stands. I do not have sex indiscriminately. I make this plain in all of my online dating profiles. I feel that I am rather clear as to what type of relationships I am interested in…

I consistently get emails and messages on these dating sites from men who are crass, crude, lewd, and speak to me with a complete lack of manners. I had been giving them the benefit of the doubt in that they may not understand what being “poly” is. They may legitimately think that I am looking for such advances in regards to a filthy nature. I was making excuses for them and ignoring such messages.

I recently had a phone conversation (and later a Skype) with a potential romantic interest. He told me that he wasn’t surprised that I get such messages because clearly my dating profile says that I am looking for sex. It does not say that ANYWHERE ON MY PROFILE. I became livid. I asked him which part he felt presented such an idea. He said that what I was looking for was “lasting relationships that could lead to intimacies” and that I was in an “open marriage” was what made some men think this. He left out the part that I say I am not into one night stands.

He apologizes for upsetting me and says that this was not his intent. We later go onto Skype to chat a bit more.

On Skype, we talk for a little bit, then he starts fondling himself. He asks if it bothers me that he is doing that. I say that it doesn’t bother me per se but I have not met him yet and it is awkward. He continues to do so and puts the camera on his hand while he fondles himself through his clothing. I say that I’d rather look at his face because that is what I am talking to and he turns the camera back around.

Conversation continues…He tells me how horny I make him, that he can’t help it, and then he whips out his penis and starts stroking it. He puts the camera back on it and asks me if this makes me uncomfortable. I say that it does and he once again says he can’t help it…he has a high sex drive. He asks me if I want to see him cum.

Skype had disconnected several times during the conversation. So, I took it upon myself to hang up on him and blame Skype.

We had made plans to meet the following day…Needless to say, I cancelled them. How could I possibly trust a man not to give into his urges when I clearly said things were making me uncomfortable…and he said he couldn’t help it.

First Skype calls are like first meetings. Would any rational man whip out his penis in a bar and start stroking it saying he couldn’t help it because I made him horny? How would he feel if I kicked him in the testicles saying that I just couldn’t help it because he made me angry?

After a tremendous amount of thought about the whole experience and the messages/emails that I regularly get on online dating sites, it is VERY clear to me that this is a solid example of “rape culture”.

He was excusing his lewd acts regardless of my protest because I was making him horny. And somehow ALL of this was acceptable because my profile states that I am in an open marriage and looking for lasting relationships that could lead to intimacies…He was placing blame on me.

THIS is Rape Culture in all of its hideous form. In his mind, I was clearly asking for this. It is my fault that I get messages that are lewd, crude, and crass because I am non-monogamous and enjoy sex. I should expect such behaviour because this is somehow “par for the course” for being a woman who enjoys sex.

No, I am no longer going to assume that men who message me do not understand what being “poly” means. I make it blatantly clear in my profile. If they are not clear, they can ask me questions. I normally ignore such messages. I will respond to these lewd comments with stern replies correcting such behavior. It. Is. NOT OK!

I am non-monogamous. I am kinky.

However…

I AM NOT asking for pictures of your penis.

I AM NOT asking for your rude and lewd comments.

I AM NOT asking for you to whip out your penis on Skype and fondle yourself.

And when I say I AM NOT comfortable with ANY of what you are doing, I DO NOT CARE if you THINK that you “can’t help it.”

No STILL means NO! Online or in “real life”. Guess what? I am STILL a human being online like I am in “real life”.

No one will blame me for their inability to control their urges…THIS is Rape Culture as I experience it nearly everyday in the poly world through online messages/emails and in Skype calls with men who do not listen to me saying that I am uncomfortable…and who excuse their lewd behaviour because I am non-monogamous.

Rape culture does not sit only with how a woman dresses…rape culture exists heavily where women are vocal about enjoying sex and their relationships…It is truly frightening how ingrained rape culture is in our society.

Thank You For Reading,

Melliscious xx

As an aside…This post does not apply to men with whom I have met, with whom I have a connection, and have a solid understanding.

The Gentleman Sir…

As a true switch, it is difficult to find Dominants that can effectively give me what my submissive side needs. My energy is strong. I intimidate many. As a Domme, I am quite fierce.

Most men come to me wanting me to top them or Domme over them. Other men see my energy and fierceness as some sort of challenge and try to take from me. They never get far with that.

I have truly submitted to only 2 people. By true submission, I mean completely gave all of myself in the moment. I did not fight back. I willingly gave as much of myself as I could.

The first Dom did not respect this. He asked me to give everything and I gave all that I could. He, in the end, was not worthy and was very hateful to me…He abused this and did not respect what I gave to him.

I did not truly submit again for well over a year…And it was to someone worthy… I call him the Gentleman Sir.

I first met the Gentleman Sir through friends via the internet. We chatted back and forth for a while. We began to see similar interests and philosophies in life, love, kink, and BDSM. Our chats went from weekly to daily and we began to develop a friendship.

He would tell me the importance of being given submission. He never wanted to take anything from me. He did not want a challenge from me. He wanted me to trust him. He wanted me to allow him to treasure me and what I gave to him. He said that he would push me to my limits, but he would catch me before I fell. He would hold me close to him…

This was something that I had not heard from Doms in the past. I was giving to him. He would not take from me. He would never try to do that. So many Doms would just expect me to play and I would say no. They would see this as a challenge to coerce me to play with them trying to find some forceful way in…they wanted to play for the sake of playing…and to boost their ego by topping a strong Domme publicly…

I tend to see right through such self entitled Doms…and the world is populated with a superfluous amount of them…

The Gentleman Sir and I continued to chat. I never promised play but I slowly started to open up…We took slow and steady steps towards each other. Our friendship continued to develop…We were cautious as we progressed and yet optimistic that this was something that we both needed in our lives.

The day came for us to meet…

We met over drinks one evening. He took me to a place that he knew would be a quaint and quiet spot for us to talk. He was warm, kind, doting, and affectionate. We had a deeper, heart to heart and face to face chat about many of the things we had discussed previously.

That evening, my high, barb wire covered walls came down. He knew I had personal things on my mind. I did not need to say a word. We had both listened to one another for months and could see clearly into each other at that point. He reached out to me, confronted my personal issues, and my defenses fell…I had let him in…and he knew this…

I became vulnerable. This is rare for me. I rarely weaken and allow people within my walls…I am very open and naked when people are inside of them. I started to feel a bit shaken and a bit afraid.

In this moment, he could have abused such power. He did not. He took my hand and kissed my brow…It was a tender and warm moment.

We had made some plans to have a date and play. He humbly said that he wanted to give me an opportunity to decline if I wanted…and if not, we would continue as planned. Being very much attracted to him, the events of the evening, and with everything that had transpired over the months; I absolutely wanted to continue with our plans.

The day of our play…

We spent the day going to a museum and garden. We are both intellectuals and greatly enjoy such things. He knew the museum and garden well. He took me to the parts he knew I would find interesting. We strolled through the gardens. He would stop and kiss me ever so sweetly.

I had teased him earlier on the journey there. I was wearing a white lace dress and thigh high stockings…I slowly lifted my skirt to show him. He smiled devilishly. When he found the moment, he pulled me close to him and passionately kissed me…his hands softly touching my face and his lips trailing down my neck…I also teased him on the journey back…He said I was a naughty girl for teasing him and I would pay for it later…

We had a wonderful day. Our conversation was lovely. We were very affectionate with one another. The chemistry was incredible. I could not wait for our evening of play.

We went to my room…

He instructed me to wait for him in my room and he would follow shortly thereafter. I prepared for him. I freshened up and laid out the toys for him…he knocked on the door…I opened it…

He walked in the room, put his hand on my throat and pushed me up against the wall. He kissed me. He told me to walk over to the bed. He looked me over and smiled saying how perfect I looked. He instructed me to sit on the bed. I sit.

He lifted my chin with his finger and said, “You are only to speak when spoken to. You will follow my instructions. If I ask you a question you will give me a thorough and honest answer. Do you understand?”

I quietly say, “Yes, Sir.”

He walks over to the table where the toys are and starts looking through them. I tell him that I have laid them all out for him. He smiles, walks over to the bed, kisses me on the cheek and calls me a good girl. He then tells me to stand up…I follow his direction…

He pulls the top of my dress down exposing me with exuberance as if I were a present on Christmas morning. He puts his hand on my throat, tilts my head back and bites my neck. As he bites me, I gasp and he explores my chest with his other hand…

He walks me to the side of the bed with his hand on the back of my neck.

He turns me around and says, “What kind of reward should I give you when you are a good girl?”

I softly say, “A kiss…please, Sir.”

He says, “A kiss? That is quite reasonable and sweet.”

He instructs me to get onto the bed on all fours. He lifts up my dress and tells me how much he admires the view. He says he never wants to hear me complain about my bottom…ever. He said it is perfection.

He proceeds to paddle and flog me. I moan, whimper, and cry out. He pauses from time to time to softly and delicately run his fingers along the curves of my body. My body lifts to meet his hand… He mentions how receptive I am.

He tells me how many prefer their submissives naked. He says that he sees the beauty in the disheveled look…He says he will not remove my panties until they are wet. He pauses to take a mental picture…to create a solid memory.

He tells me to lie on my back…he pins my arms down and lays on top of me…he proceeds to bite all over my neck and chest. He smiles after each bite and each whimper I make…he then kisses me…

He asks me how I am feeling…I say that I am enthralled…He says that this is a good answer…

He then restrains my arms behind my back with silk. He notices the mirror with a chair in front of it. He tells me to sit in the chair and face the mirror.

He says, “I want you to see this. Do you trust me?” I nod and I watch him put his gloved hand over my nose and mouth. His gaze is intense as he holds my breath in his hand. I make a soft sound and squirm a bit. He releases his hand and I gasp. He repeats this a few more times…he then removes his glove and places his fingers into my mouth…I trace my tongue along his fingers…

I want to please him and give him pleasure…He senses this…He teases me allowing me to taste him briefly…he then tells me that there will be more later. He directs me to stand and he kisses me…he tells me that I am such a good girl…

He instructs me to return to the bed on my knees and my head down…My arms are still restrained…He paddles and flogs me some more. He then removes the silk restraints and tells me to lie on my back once more…

He grabs a vibrating wand and lies beside me. He places the wand on the outside of my panties. He tells me I am not allowed to cum without his permission. He teases me changing the speed and I squirm…He tells me that he knows that it is a bit of torture for me. I feel waves of pleasure and I start to ache…

His hand moves up my thigh…My white satin panties give me away as they are wet…He smiles and then removes them and mentions how soaked they are.

He has me stand and restrains me with cuffs and carbiner clamps behind my back. He tells me to get on my knees on the bed and put my head down towards the bed. I am vulnerable and completely open to him. He spanks me in a random rhythm….some hit hard and some hit softly…from time to time he pauses and tells me how beautiful I am and how beautifully I suffer for him. He leans in and whispers in my ear that he thinks I can take much more…I agree with a soft, “Yes, Sir.” He then paddles me with another harder toy…I feel the sting much more and he comments on how well I mark.

His fingers lightly graze the heated areas where I was spanked and paddled…I sigh and open up a bit more to him…his fingers penetrate me…

I long for more…

He instructs me to lie on my stomach with my legs straight…I feel his body weight on top of me and that gloved hand across my mouth and nose…His hand lingers there a bit longer and I squirm under his weight.

He says, “There is so much trust in breath play. You literally are holding someone’s life in your hands…their very breath…I love feeling you squirm underneath me…” He removes his hand and I gasp for air…

He places his hand over my mouth and nose again…it stays a bit longer…I squirm a bit more and whimper…He holds me down tightly and then removes his hand…I gasp over and over again…he rubs my hair and soothes me telling me that I am ok…

He tells me to lie back onto my back…He grabs another wand, lies back on the bed and sets the second wand aside. He asks me if I will cum for him. I softly say yes…He grabs the wand and presses it between my thighs on the highest setting. He moves it ever so slightly as to find the one spot that gives me the most pleasure.

He says, “Right there…that is the spot…” and smiles.

He starts kissing my neck and my chest as I moan and cry out from each wave of pleasure…He kisses me…He then opens my legs a bit more, repositions, and uses both internal and external wands on me…He kisses my inner thighs and nibbles on them while I squirm…without him saying to do so, I ask for permission to cum. He grants it and I cum once more…He comments on how beautifully I cum.

I remember him asking me a question in this moment…I believe it was in regards to if I wanted him to stop…I remember responding with a gasping, “I don’t know…” He smiles and laughs a bit as he continues to play with me and the toys.

He finally stops and lies next to me. He asks me how I am feeling and I say that I am happy. He asks me what I am thinking of and I respond…”Only you, Sir.”

He helps me to roll onto my stomach. He removes the restraints and gives me a moment to regain composure. Once I regain composure, he calls me to the side of the bed and I taste him once more…with my hands freed to explore him a bit…I was eager to please him…

Afterwards…

He says that he can not have a complete evening without watching me dance.I gave him options for my costume. He picked the one he wanted me to wear. I slowly removed my dress and bra…and put on my costume while under his intense gaze.

I did find it difficult to dance for him after play. I was a bit out of it but managed to dance to 2 songs and bring a smile to his face, a bit of laughter, and applause…I returned to the bed and sat in front of him…He said I did well and kissed me.

He tells me he wants to see his work. I remove the bottom portion of my costume…The top remained on me and jingled as I returned to being on all fours on the bed. He noticed marks were fading a bit and paddled me a bit more…With every hit, my costume jingled with music as I cried out…He said he would love to have his very own dancing slave girl…He paddled and spanked me a bit longer then sat on the bed…

He said he was pleased with me and I was a good girl…I immediately crawled into his lap, threw my arms around him, and held him close to me.

He smiled and sighed…He held me so close and kissed me sweetly…I did not want him to let me go…I did not want to let him go…

Throughout our play he gave me wine and water as I requested it. He was doting and told me how strong and beautiful I am…

I did not want the evening to end…

I had given so much of myself to him…and he treasured it. He respected it. He adored it. I felt cared for, protected, pushed, beautiful, strong and treasured…the polar opposite of the other Dom of whom I had submitted to previously.

And truly…I gave The Gentleman Sir so much more of myself than I gave the other Dom…because this second one is worthy and treasured what I was giving to him…

I miss him…very, very much…We can not play frequently or see one another regularly due to our locations…

Yet… every day we chat…He tells me how lovely and wonderful I am. He tells me how much he can not wait to see me again. We are close. We have let one another in behind our high walls. We respect one another and are grateful to be a part of each other’s lives…I feel treasured, cared for, protected, and adored by him…even now…

THIS is what I need as a submissive…I will receive anything you give me and give you all that I have…but what I give needs to be treasured, respected, adored, and appreciated…

I count the days until I can see my Gentleman Sir once again…I want to put my arms around him once more, kiss him, see him smile, hear him sigh and tell me how much he treasures me and what I give him…

I know he will hold me in the palm of his hand. He will not drop me or break me…he will not abandon me…He has promised this and has kept his word thus far… ❤

Thank You For Reading,

Melviscious xx

Boy 3 and His Wife…An Update…

This morning I woke and checked one of my online sites to find a message from Boy 3’s wife. She had made a dummy account on this site for the sole purpose of looking at my pictures, reading my activity, reading my blogs, and messaging me.

This week Boy 3 broke off his relationship with me. He apparently had broken rules with his wife in regards to their poly relationship. My previous post discusses the rise and fall of the relationship involving him.

A few things to consider:

1. I have never met his wife nor have I ever spoken with her (until it ended). I asked once and she refused.

2. I only knew what Boy 3 told me.

3. I have no control over the poly rules of his relationship with his wife…I have never considered it to be my responsibility to make certain that he follows them.

4. I am sad for the both of them.

The message I received was incredibly long to the point that I had to take breaks from reading it. There were no paragraphs. It was a long, solid group of sentences all relaying the history of their relationship and what she felt in regards to me.

Here is what I have learned from her message…

She starts by saying they have been together for 8 years. Apparently Boy 3 cheated on her prior to them getting married and she did not find out until after the wedding. They separated then got back together. She suggested polyamory as a way to prevent lying and to stay together.

* Polyamory does not fix trust issues…

They start seeing other people. He finds someone he sees regularly…She finds someone as well…then he finds me on a dating site…

He tells her he is interested in seeing me as a “poly friend”…That is how our relationship was approached. He had said he felt he was too young for me…

Come to find out we had chemistry on our first date and enjoyed each other’s company. He told his wife he wanted to pursue things with me. She had a problem with this because she thought we were only going to be “friends”. She thought he had lied about his intentions with me.

She also had a problem with him seeing more than one person. He told me he was seeing someone else on occasion. I didn’t have a problem with it and felt it was none of my business…it was none of my business. Regardless, he broke it off with the other girl.

His wife was not comfortable with him seeing me (even after the first date) and told him he was not allowed to have sex with me until she was comfortable with him seeing me. We had unplanned sex on the second date. He was out late and missed a call from her. He went home and she told him that she wanted him to break it off with me immediately due to him missing the call and unplanned sex. He became upset and she said she would allow him to see me because he had started to care for me.

I asked if I could speak with her to help alleviate concerns or clarify things. He went to her with this and she said no. She said that she did not want to meet me or speak with me. I mentioned to him that I wish she would speak with me. He did not ask her again because she seemed so adamant not to discuss anything with me. She said in her message, had she known I really wanted to speak with her, she would have. I really wanted to speak with her, but why would I press the issue? I was not going to make his wife talk to me and I did not want to make waves or cause drama.

He and I had communicated daily…and continued to progress.

While on another date, he missed another phone call of hers. We were in a loud bar and it was hard to hear. Given that was an issue last time, I became concerned. He immediately called her back when he noticed the missed call and we ended our date. That evening she again mentioned that she wanted him to break it off with me. The whole thing was accidental. He never intentionally missed her calls…ever. She said this was 3 strikes and she wanted the relationship with me to end.

Again…I have never met this woman. And she would not speak with me.

She found out that I knew of her insecurities in regards to me. I never asked Boy 3 to tell me of his relationship woes. I also said that it was none of my business what was going on between him and his wife. However, it seemed she was constantly trying to thwart us from seeing one another and some of this gave me some insight as to the situation. This was another rule that was broken.

Boy 3 had told me about his wife wanting him to see another girl that she had been talking with on a polyamory board. She was in a triad and Boy 3’s wife was going to start seeing the husband. She confirmed this in her message saying that she was trying to get him to see her. He was not interested in her. She wanted him to be interested in her because she had developed a friendship with this new girl. Boy 3 was happy with me and did not want to add on more partners. It seemed she was trying to control who he was allowed to see. It was like she was arranging his relationships based on who was approved.

Boy 3 has told me once or twice that he loves me. I had not yet reached that level of care as of yet and had been a bit guarded due to my instincts kicking in…I did, however, care for him quite a bit. I know he was quite happy with me. He had not told his wife that he started to love me. This was another rule he had broken.

In her message, she goes on to tell me about a lie he told me in regards to a “fight” they had in seeing me when her brother was in town. I have no idea what to believe when it comes to either of these people.

She goes on to tell me that she decided to read my text messages to him in his phone and that is how she found out that we were involved in BDSM play. This was another rule that was broken. He was not allowed to play publicly or privately in BDSM with anyone but his wife.

Apparently there was a very long list of rules that she goes into detail over and he had broken quite a few of them with me.

* I am ethical. Had she spoken with me when I asked..I would have learned about the rules…I at least would have followed them…hence he would have as well.

Seeing as he could not follow any rules, she told him strongly that she wanted him to end things with me…but she would not force him. However, she pressed the issue that she wanted him to end things with me…hence forcing him to make that decision. They are deciding to be monogamous and seek counseling. She is now pregnant with their first child. Their marriage is very much in danger at this point…I feel sad for them.

Boy 3 deleted his social media profiles, unfriended me on various sites…His wife told me he did this because she wanted to eliminate the temptation of seeing me again. He knows where I live. He has my phone number. He knows where I work. If he wanted to see me, he would find a way. Deleting profiles on the internet does not change that.

My final analysis:

Boy 3’s wife has been against my relationship with Boy 3 from the start. I do not condone his lying to either me or her, however, I can see where the lies came from…Every time he messed up and confessed his mistakes, she became angry and wanted him to end it with me. She mentioned that she needed open communication. When he was open and took responsibility for things, she would express anger and contempt for his relationship with me. He began to hide things from her because he wanted to progress with me. He seemed afraid to be honest with her when he did make a mistake for fear of losing me. In the end he lost me anyway due to his lying to her.

She is desperate to fix her marriage. She is trying to control the entire situation. She is desperate to hold onto a man who seems to love her but can not adhere to rules of monogamy or the long list of rules dictated for their poly relationship. Poly relationships need to have both people willing to adhere to rules that THEY BOTH can live with…not just one person. The rules can change as people, dynamics and relationships change. Poly people need TRULY OPEN communication without punishment for honesty. People are going to make mistakes, but making ultimatums does not solve any issues when a mistake is made. The root of why the mistake happened needs to be examined. Punishment for mistakes as in a “3 strikes” scenario is counterproductive for many. Sometimes these strikes are accidental. And when feelings are involved, people are going to try to protect what/who they care for…including their own heart…this can lead to things being hidden.

I do not agree with the way Boy 3 handled this situation. He lied not just to me but to his wife. I do not trust him. I do not trust his wife…I have not met her (by her request), spoke to her once (when he broke it off with me), received an incredibly long message from her (on a dummy profile she made to check my activity and pics), and she has made it plain she did not want him to see me from the start.

I am not comfortable with any of this. I care for Boy 3. I do, very deeply. I will not be involved with him again so long as he is in this situation. Even then, I’d be exceedingly cautious and he would have a lot to answer for…it would not likely happen.

I hope they work out their issues…I wish the best for them both…

One final note…

Polyamory does not fix relationship problems. If there is no trust, polyamory does not work. Polyamory will add many dynamics to all of your relationships. If you can’t handle your monogamous one, being poly will only add to your issues.

Thank You For Reading,

Melliscious xx

 

Addendum: She “allowed” him to continue to see me even when said rules were broken due to his affection for me. Relationships are different for each couple…however…if there are rules in place…they need to be adhered to or changed…The situation needs to be re evaluated where someone is “allowed” to see another after rules are broken…re evaluate and re negotiate according to the different dynamics you have with different people or truly cut it off and know your hard limits…

My Boy 3…

Boy 3 came into my life via a dating site. He was a bit younger than me and I tend to shy away from the younger ones. He said he was polyamorous and in a committed relationship with his wife. They had been together for 5-6 years. He seemed intelligent and was very gentlemanly. His level of maturity impressed me. He was unlike most men his age and we had quite a bit in common…

Our first date was a fun night of dinner, pool, and geeky conversations about superheroes and films. It was a lovely evening…he danced with me a bit in the parking lot and kissed me goodnight…Second date was a drink at a bar and sweaty van sex…

This is where warning sign #1 appeared. His wife was upset that he did not answer a message right away. We were caught up in the moment and engaged in sexual matters and she was upset that he did not text her back immediately. He called her and I could hear her very upset about being out a bit late and not responding to all of her messages. I understand that messages from spouses need to be answered as soon as possible, but this seemed a bit extreme.

I too am married. When I am seeing someone new, I am constantly reassuring my husband that he comes first in my life. I know the importance of responding to text messages, but my husband knows where I am at all times and trusts me implicitly…there seemed to be trust issues with Boy 3 and his wife.

I ignored this warning sign because it is terribly hard to find a compatible poly person for me…

We continued to see each other and progress…From time to time Boy 3 would tell me how jealous his wife was of my job, my looks, and my life. She had NOTHING to be worried about in regards to me. I had no interest of stealing her husband from her. I had one of my own. Boy 3 was constantly reassuring his wife. Warning sign #2

He would make plans with me then would have to cancel due to his wife needing additional attention at times. I understood but was getting a bit annoyed. They would take Sundays as their “date day” and I knew to never expect to see him those days or to make plans. He would then call me occasionally on a Sunday telling me that his wife decided to go see her boy and left him alone…If he had made plans with me, she would have been upset. Warning sign #3.

I asked several times to speak to his wife to help reassure her…she would not have any of it. She would not talk to me. She wanted nothing to do with me. Warning sign #4.

At the end, when I FINALLY got to talk to her because she forbid us from seeing one another, she said, “Had I known you REALLY wanted to talk to me, I would have talked to you.” Of course I REALLY wanted to talk with her. I would not waste my time otherwise…

After I ignored all of the warning signs, we progressed for 5 months. He would tell me that he loved me. I had not gotten to the point of love as of yet, but I cared for him a great deal. I have been quite guarded as of late due to me caring about people that I should not…I did deeply care for him and utterly adored him.

He became interested in BDSM. He knew I played with others and wanted to play with me. I asked him if his wife was OK with us playing at our local club and he said, “Yes.” This, come to find out, was a lie…

I asked someone close to me that tops me often to show him the ropes on how to effectively top me (be a dominant). It was exceedingly difficult to dominate/top me due to my personality and nature. I was so excited about finding someone with whom I was very sexual that was capable of  topping me. He showed him the ropes…he was a solid, attentive, budding top…

He would give me a solid power exchange through flogging, paddling, spanking, biting, pulling my hair, putting his hand on my throat…Boy 3 was a natural and could read me. I knew he would only learn more and progress well in this lifestyle. It also translated well into our sexual experiences. We were planning more intense play.

One evening, Boy 3 tells me the good news that his wife is pregnant. With the history of his wife being jealous about me, I started to feel some concern. She wanted to continue to see her boys and was reassured by them that they would still be interested in her regardless of her delicate state. However, my guard was going up…I thought she might want him not to see others…I was his only other girl. He barely had time for me. Warning sign #5.

One Sunday, he was not answering my texts. I became worried. He had cancelled a few of our dates due to his mom being ill and his wife getting in a car accident. I knew his wife was ok from the car accident but became concerned that something happened to his mother. I worried a large portion of the day and evening..

He did not contact me until Monday morning…

At work I took a scheduled break and we would have a morning chat. He told me that Monday morning that he and his wife needed some time together to work through some things. I understood. I told him that pregnancy hormones can be overwhelming the first few months and to give it time. She would eventually adapt to the fluctuations and it would be ok. He seemed to want to continue our relationship…

Later that afternoon, I get a message from him asking if he could call me. I was available and took his call. He was in tears…

He said that he had lied to me and his wife. They both had made a rule about playing in BDSM with others. They had agreed neither were allowed to play with others in BDSM roles. I do not understand such rules. Why would anyone care if I am paddled/flogged/bitten/etc. before I engage in sexual relations with a lover? I suppose it does not matter given that their rules prevented either from such play. He wanted that with me and his rules forbade him. He betrayed their preset rules…and lied to me about his wife being “OK” with our play at the local club…

He said that he could not see me anymore due to his lie. We had only played at the club twice. This somehow was enough for his wife to forbid him from ever seeing me again. I am not excusing his lie, but she was not lenient at all in the matter. She sat there in the background while he cried on the phone apologizing for causing me pain. He clearly loves me. I asked to speak to her. That’s when she mentioned that had she thought I was really interested in speaking with her, then she would have. She asked if he had played with others, I said “No.” She focused so much on his lie. She said she was mad that he lied to both of us. I offered help for her in the event she needed it. She seemed gracious but I am certain it was a facade.

I would have been fine only being vanilla (no BDSM) with him but clearly this was not acceptable to her. She always had issues with me and this seemed to be the way to get rid of me…I have never met this woman…she would never meet me…

I receive a text later from Boy 3 asking me to remove pics from social sites involving our play. He was not in the pictures, but he wanted them deleted regardless of the fact the pics were only of my body. He said he was getting help for his lying problem. I felt they both clearly needed help but refrained from saying so.

The next day, he unfriended me on Facebook and deleted all of his twitter accounts.

I was completely erased from his existence…our 5 months together seemed to have meant nothing. This hurt more than anything else…I was leaving this relationship with nothing…not even a friend.

The last text I sent stated how it felt to be erased from his existence and that I would not contact him again…I cried over this for 5 days…

I cared for Boy 3…very much so…but…I should have paid attention to the warning signs. He and his wife clearly have issues and I was drug into them. She still gets to see him. I have nothing from this…except experience…and fond memories of things that once were and will never be again…

Being polyamorous can be utterly heartbreaking. Honesty and communication is key. I need to acknowledge the warning signs and recognize issues as they arise. I took a risk and it shattered me. Do I take the risk again? I was happy with Boy 3. I will hold onto that.

Thanks For Reading,

Melliscious xx

Addendum: In regards to the pregnancy hormones…I am not blaming them for anything. I feel they do tend to enhance some insecurities which may or may not be related to Boy 3’s behavior. I do not condone his lying but I do feel that there are problems on both sides.

I will also add that they are now claiming to be monogamous…

I am sure there are plenty of issues here. I only know what Boy 3 told me. Likely some things were lies…I will update as I find out new information…I am still hurting and will likely have a clearer head as things progress…

The Accidental 3 Way from Hell…

As I journey into finding regular people to fill my life in this lifestyle, I utilize online dating sites to aid me in finding like minded individuals. I am not only looking for men but I am also curious about exploring sexual encounters with women. I was approached on an online dating site by a woman who was interested in chatting with me over drinks sometime. I am pretty new to dating women so I thought it would be fun to meet for a drink and see what transpires. After making plans twice and her having to cancel twice we finally settle on a workable night.

I arrive at the bar…She is late…

She texts me telling me that she is running behind due to her needing to put her daughter to bed. She has a boyfriend who periodically stays with her and she maintains that they are “open” in their relationship. She is bisexual and wants to continue to be involved with women but only needs her boyfriend to satiate her for her needs involving men. She finally arrives and is more than pleased with me. She has a difficult time keeping her hands off of mine. She is constantly stroking my arm and starts to play with my hair.

She says, “I’m sorry, but you are just GORGEOUS! I can’t seem to keep my hands off of you! I hope this doesn’t bother you too much.”

I meekly reply, “Thank you…Um, no…It’s ok, I guess.” I am a bit weirded out by this woman but she is cute and her enthusiasm was fun and interesting. Again, I am a total noob at this dating girls thing and had no idea what to expect.

We have drinks and a light snack. She tells me what she does for a living.  She does hair, makeup,  massage, and nails. She discusses how she would love to doll me up one night. Me, being the incredibly girly girl that I am, gets excited at the thought of having a makeover. I’m starting to think that this dating girls thing is going to be really cool! She was cute, seemed to totally dig me, and things were going well.

She then mentions that we could go back to her place and could hang out for a while. Her boyfriend is at the house and he would probably like to meet me. I give her a look. She says that there is no pressure and she just thought it would be nice to have a good chat. She also mentions that I should text her address to my husband so he does not worry. I recognize this as a sensible statement and consider this woman to be level headed and not a crazy. I agree to go back to her house. She pays the check. We head to her place.

Her house is an older home. It is quite lovely. Hardwood floors. Lovely art on the walls. Antique furniture… Her boyfriend is there. He is sitting at the dining room table drinking a beer. She introduces us. He is a Navy engineer and we begin to have a fun discussion in regards to physics. I am a bit of a science nerd and enjoy our conversation. She says she needs to shower but gets me some wine before she leaves the room and gives me a kiss. She tells us to sit a bit closer and to get comfortable. I start to get a tad suspicious…

I continue my science discussion with the engineer and we hit it off well. We have a few chuckles, discuss his designs for a device he is working on, drink a bit more wine…

She returns in a robe that is half open…

I’m thinking, “Ok, then…Well, it is her house and if she wants to parade around naked, that’s cool, I guess…”

She says that I should sit on her boyfriend’s lap and give him a kiss. I politely decline. We have a bit more wine and then she says she wants to show me something.

She takes me by the hand and brings me to her bedroom…

Within what feels like 30 seconds, she strips off my clothes and starts kissing me. I was into her. I wanted to see where things would go. I was rather impressed with her ability to strip me so quickly. This woman clearly had done this before…come to find out later, she had done lesbian porn. This woman was very much shorter than me. She managed to pick me up and toss me onto the bed like I was a ragdoll. We start making out heavily. Then her boyfriend walks into the room and starts to play music. He strips down and they both go down on me.

I start thinking, “Um…Am I having a 3 way? This got weird. But she is cute and the guy is hot. Ok. Um, I kinda wanna see where this goes.”

So they both are giving me oral sex while discussing how sweet I taste and that I must eat a lot of fruit. I don’t actually eat a lot of fruit but that’s beside the point, I suppose. She then lies beside me and starts groping and kissing me while he gives us both oral. Things are getting pretty hot and he is giving us both lots of attention.I’m thinking that this is pretty cool. I’m having fun. They are a bit weird but it’s hot.

Then things go awry…cos then the crazy shows up…(it actually had been showing up all night, I just didn’t pay attention…hind sight and all)

He goes to enter me. Before he enters, she angrily gets up out of the bed and says, “You JUST FAILED! THERE!” and storms out of the room.

I am lying naked on the bed. Her boyfriend has his cock in his hand. I am wondering what the hell just happened…

At that point they proceed to have an argument over him giving me more attention and that he had “tested her” earlier that week. I am still naked in her bedroom trying to piece together the fact that this 3 Way was some oddball, giant “loyalty test” for her boyfriend.

Was I just used? She finds me after I start getting dressed apologizing saying that it wasn’t anything that I had done. I agreed saying that OH NO, I didn’t do A THING wrong! I said that I’d be headed home to let the two of them work it out. She offered to give me some money because she felt bad. I politely declined and was a bit offended that she felt money would be necessary. She hugged and tried to kissed me after I got dressed. I quickly left the house as she said she would text me the next day.

The next day…

She does not text me but her boyfriend does saying that they have broken up and he thought we hit it off well. He wants to pursue things with me. I tell him that I think we all need time to process what happened the previous night. She had told me she had intentions of marrying this guy. I was not interested in jumping into anything with him after the events of the previous night. Also, I was considering the fact that their relationship was a serious one.

He continued to text me for a few days. I finally told him that I was not interested in pursuing anything with him and asked him to stop contacting me. At that point, he did.

Is it possible to have an accidental 3 Way? Yes. Do I recommend it? No. It could be said that this was a bit “rapey” to some extent, but I was a willing participant that never said “no”. I was curious and willing to see where things would go. It is my nature to explore new territories and try new things. I learned a lot that evening. It left me with a helluva story.

I have always liked a good story. The best kinds can be the ones that I am lucky enough to have a starring role…Albeit this one did not end well, but you only live once. I want my life to be an exceptional collection of stories…

You don’t get good stories sitting on the sidelines watching others live their lives…You get off of the stand, take the risks, and join in the game…

Thank you for Reading,

Melliscious xx