The Female Life Experience

 

Please read to understand what it means to be female in this society…

I often encounter men who have NO CLUE why I am as cautious, questioning, a bit anxious about certain topics, or hesitant to progress with them. There are many reasons why. I promise you, I am not alone in my female experience

“Modern men” need to gain an understanding about what the female life experience is.

What is this experience? Let me sum it up for you…I will try to be brief…

I have beauty standards, motherhood, and domesticity pushed upon in at an early age of 2-3 years old in the form of gender based toys…fake makeup, dolls, toy kitchens, barbies…

I will be made fun of by peers if I want anything that boys would want (microscopes, chemistry sets, lasers, anything not girl).

I am told to smile because it makes my face prettier.

I am dressed in clothing that would make me a pretty girl.

I am sexualized by the time I am 12…because my body changes into more of a shape that makes me “attractive” to men…larger breasts…hips widen.

I have boys offer sexual favors by the time I am 13.

Street harassment starts and is consistent throughout my life.

Once I become a teenager in high school, I have already been called various derogatory terms for a sexual woman because my body looks like a woman.

Family members tell me how I’m all grown up…How pretty I am…Boys are evil and should keep away or grandpa will shoot them with his rifle. Grown men at church pay more attention to me and find reasons to hug me.

Boys at school start false rumors about my sexuality because they are attracted to me and “boys will be boys.”

I start college and am required to take a defense course because women in this trade are assaulted regularly.

I am stalked 3 times by boys. A few family members tell me it’s because I’m so pretty.

One of the boys sexually assaults me at a club when I am 19…not raped, fortunately.

One stalker forced me to move in with my grandparents so he could no longer find me.

I do not report anything because I am afraid and think this is my fault because I must have given off the wrong signals. Shame on me.

I say nothing to my family because I can’t bear to be blamed for this.

I’ve been conditioned to self loathe my body because I am not a supermodel. Eating disorders start as well as reckless exercise.

Street harassment as well as sexist and misogynistic comments do not cease.

At 21, I work for a man who keeps porn on his computer and magazines in his desk. He has business ties with local strip club owners. He encourages me to sell to them (I do as it’s my job) as well as work for them (I decline). Even received phone calls from the head of all the chains asking me to join him.

I later become a DJ and play at fraternity parties getting regularly harassed by drunk men.

My agent wants to engage in sexual relations with me. I decline. He takes a bigger cut than what he takes from the males.

I could give endless examples of more of the same…

Fast forward to re entering university…I am regularly harassed by a boy in my science classes. He tells me the sexual things he wants to do to me. It took me humiliating him to get hi to leave me alone. I saw him on campus the other day…he had found my dating profile as well as my FB. Tried to get me to go out with him again. I had to block him across the board to get him to leave me alone.

I get told science is hard and that I am girl…then denied letter of recommendation to enter grad school by a male professor of whom I did a year’s worth of undergrad research with.

Dating sites, I get bombarded by messages from men who want to take from me. They are explicit in nature…few are actually well thought out and polite. They hide behind the cloak of anonymity that the internet provides.

Social media, I get unsolicited penis pics sent to me. I have rude and explicit direct messages as well as public mentions. I am slut shamed. Yet if I don’t comply, I am a prude.

Street harassment does not stop…sometimes wearing headphones doesn’t work either, because some men ignore this subtle cue of a request to leave me alone.

I am once again sexually assaulted by a different man I trusted.

I am stalked again…this time digitally on social media and harassed via email and phone. It affects my work, and I have to notify my boss about it. Fortunately he is understanding and gives support.

Why am I telling you this? Because every 109 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. 90% of those people are female. 1 in 6 women are sexually assaulted. Only 6 in 1,000 people will serve time for sexual assault. This is based on those who reported…I did not report. I can not fathom how much larger this number is.

Statistics: RAINN

So again, why am I telling you this? Because I am not the only woman this happens to. When you are at a party/work/bar, take a look around…1 in 6 women are me…but truthfully? That number is likely much larger. When you talk to women, you need to realize the scope of their possible life. I promise you, my story is a common one for many women.

They don’t speak out…why?

  1. They don’t see the point. (No one really goes to prison)
  2. They’ve been conditioned not to and to self blame.
  3. They don’t want to be shamed.
  4. They don’t want you to judge them.
  5. They don’t want to hurt others (family, current partner).

Men…remember this when speaking to women. They’ve been at battle their whole lives for just being female. Do not take things personally.

Read to understand…speak out against those who harm us…give us a space so we can be vocal without fear.

Thank you for reading

M x

Rape Culture in the Poly World

Being polyamorous, I sometimes find it difficult to find partners who understand the parameters of the poly lifestyle. At first, I thought that it was because many misunderstood what being “poly” means. There are many types of non-monogamy. For me, being “poly” involves developing lasting relationships that have emotional attachment. I am not into one night stands. I do not have sex indiscriminately. I make this plain in all of my online dating profiles. I feel that I am rather clear as to what type of relationships I am interested in…

I consistently get emails and messages on these dating sites from men who are crass, crude, lewd, and speak to me with a complete lack of manners. I had been giving them the benefit of the doubt in that they may not understand what being “poly” is. They may legitimately think that I am looking for such advances in regards to a filthy nature. I was making excuses for them and ignoring such messages.

I recently had a phone conversation (and later a Skype) with a potential romantic interest. He told me that he wasn’t surprised that I get such messages because clearly my dating profile says that I am looking for sex. It does not say that ANYWHERE ON MY PROFILE. I became livid. I asked him which part he felt presented such an idea. He said that what I was looking for was “lasting relationships that could lead to intimacies” and that I was in an “open marriage” was what made some men think this. He left out the part that I say I am not into one night stands.

He apologizes for upsetting me and says that this was not his intent. We later go onto Skype to chat a bit more.

On Skype, we talk for a little bit, then he starts fondling himself. He asks if it bothers me that he is doing that. I say that it doesn’t bother me per se but I have not met him yet and it is awkward. He continues to do so and puts the camera on his hand while he fondles himself through his clothing. I say that I’d rather look at his face because that is what I am talking to and he turns the camera back around.

Conversation continues…He tells me how horny I make him, that he can’t help it, and then he whips out his penis and starts stroking it. He puts the camera back on it and asks me if this makes me uncomfortable. I say that it does and he once again says he can’t help it…he has a high sex drive. He asks me if I want to see him cum.

Skype had disconnected several times during the conversation. So, I took it upon myself to hang up on him and blame Skype.

We had made plans to meet the following day…Needless to say, I cancelled them. How could I possibly trust a man not to give into his urges when I clearly said things were making me uncomfortable…and he said he couldn’t help it.

First Skype calls are like first meetings. Would any rational man whip out his penis in a bar and start stroking it saying he couldn’t help it because I made him horny? How would he feel if I kicked him in the testicles saying that I just couldn’t help it because he made me angry?

After a tremendous amount of thought about the whole experience and the messages/emails that I regularly get on online dating sites, it is VERY clear to me that this is a solid example of “rape culture”.

He was excusing his lewd acts regardless of my protest because I was making him horny. And somehow ALL of this was acceptable because my profile states that I am in an open marriage and looking for lasting relationships that could lead to intimacies…He was placing blame on me.

THIS is Rape Culture in all of its hideous form. In his mind, I was clearly asking for this. It is my fault that I get messages that are lewd, crude, and crass because I am non-monogamous and enjoy sex. I should expect such behaviour because this is somehow “par for the course” for being a woman who enjoys sex.

No, I am no longer going to assume that men who message me do not understand what being “poly” means. I make it blatantly clear in my profile. If they are not clear, they can ask me questions. I normally ignore such messages. I will respond to these lewd comments with stern replies correcting such behavior. It. Is. NOT OK!

I am non-monogamous. I am kinky.

However…

I AM NOT asking for pictures of your penis.

I AM NOT asking for your rude and lewd comments.

I AM NOT asking for you to whip out your penis on Skype and fondle yourself.

And when I say I AM NOT comfortable with ANY of what you are doing, I DO NOT CARE if you THINK that you “can’t help it.”

No STILL means NO! Online or in “real life”. Guess what? I am STILL a human being online like I am in “real life”.

No one will blame me for their inability to control their urges…THIS is Rape Culture as I experience it nearly everyday in the poly world through online messages/emails and in Skype calls with men who do not listen to me saying that I am uncomfortable…and who excuse their lewd behaviour because I am non-monogamous.

Rape culture does not sit only with how a woman dresses…rape culture exists heavily where women are vocal about enjoying sex and their relationships…It is truly frightening how ingrained rape culture is in our society.

Thank You For Reading,

Melliscious xx

As an aside…This post does not apply to men with whom I have met, with whom I have a connection, and have a solid understanding.

The Gentleman Sir…

As a true switch, it is difficult to find Dominants that can effectively give me what my submissive side needs. My energy is strong. I intimidate many. As a Domme, I am quite fierce.

Most men come to me wanting me to top them or Domme over them. Other men see my energy and fierceness as some sort of challenge and try to take from me. They never get far with that.

I have truly submitted to only 2 people. By true submission, I mean completely gave all of myself in the moment. I did not fight back. I willingly gave as much of myself as I could.

The first Dom did not respect this. He asked me to give everything and I gave all that I could. He, in the end, was not worthy and was very hateful to me…He abused this and did not respect what I gave to him.

I did not truly submit again for well over a year…And it was to someone worthy… I call him the Gentleman Sir.

I first met the Gentleman Sir through friends via the internet. We chatted back and forth for a while. We began to see similar interests and philosophies in life, love, kink, and BDSM. Our chats went from weekly to daily and we began to develop a friendship.

He would tell me the importance of being given submission. He never wanted to take anything from me. He did not want a challenge from me. He wanted me to trust him. He wanted me to allow him to treasure me and what I gave to him. He said that he would push me to my limits, but he would catch me before I fell. He would hold me close to him…

This was something that I had not heard from Doms in the past. I was giving to him. He would not take from me. He would never try to do that. So many Doms would just expect me to play and I would say no. They would see this as a challenge to coerce me to play with them trying to find some forceful way in…they wanted to play for the sake of playing…and to boost their ego by topping a strong Domme publicly…

I tend to see right through such self entitled Doms…and the world is populated with a superfluous amount of them…

The Gentleman Sir and I continued to chat. I never promised play but I slowly started to open up…We took slow and steady steps towards each other. Our friendship continued to develop…We were cautious as we progressed and yet optimistic that this was something that we both needed in our lives.

The day came for us to meet…

We met over drinks one evening. He took me to a place that he knew would be a quaint and quiet spot for us to talk. He was warm, kind, doting, and affectionate. We had a deeper, heart to heart and face to face chat about many of the things we had discussed previously.

That evening, my high, barb wire covered walls came down. He knew I had personal things on my mind. I did not need to say a word. We had both listened to one another for months and could see clearly into each other at that point. He reached out to me, confronted my personal issues, and my defenses fell…I had let him in…and he knew this…

I became vulnerable. This is rare for me. I rarely weaken and allow people within my walls…I am very open and naked when people are inside of them. I started to feel a bit shaken and a bit afraid.

In this moment, he could have abused such power. He did not. He took my hand and kissed my brow…It was a tender and warm moment.

We had made some plans to have a date and play. He humbly said that he wanted to give me an opportunity to decline if I wanted…and if not, we would continue as planned. Being very much attracted to him, the events of the evening, and with everything that had transpired over the months; I absolutely wanted to continue with our plans.

The day of our play…

We spent the day going to a museum and garden. We are both intellectuals and greatly enjoy such things. He knew the museum and garden well. He took me to the parts he knew I would find interesting. We strolled through the gardens. He would stop and kiss me ever so sweetly.

I had teased him earlier on the journey there. I was wearing a white lace dress and thigh high stockings…I slowly lifted my skirt to show him. He smiled devilishly. When he found the moment, he pulled me close to him and passionately kissed me…his hands softly touching my face and his lips trailing down my neck…I also teased him on the journey back…He said I was a naughty girl for teasing him and I would pay for it later…

We had a wonderful day. Our conversation was lovely. We were very affectionate with one another. The chemistry was incredible. I could not wait for our evening of play.

We went to my room…

He instructed me to wait for him in my room and he would follow shortly thereafter. I prepared for him. I freshened up and laid out the toys for him…he knocked on the door…I opened it…

He walked in the room, put his hand on my throat and pushed me up against the wall. He kissed me. He told me to walk over to the bed. He looked me over and smiled saying how perfect I looked. He instructed me to sit on the bed. I sit.

He lifted my chin with his finger and said, “You are only to speak when spoken to. You will follow my instructions. If I ask you a question you will give me a thorough and honest answer. Do you understand?”

I quietly say, “Yes, Sir.”

He walks over to the table where the toys are and starts looking through them. I tell him that I have laid them all out for him. He smiles, walks over to the bed, kisses me on the cheek and calls me a good girl. He then tells me to stand up…I follow his direction…

He pulls the top of my dress down exposing me with exuberance as if I were a present on Christmas morning. He puts his hand on my throat, tilts my head back and bites my neck. As he bites me, I gasp and he explores my chest with his other hand…

He walks me to the side of the bed with his hand on the back of my neck.

He turns me around and says, “What kind of reward should I give you when you are a good girl?”

I softly say, “A kiss…please, Sir.”

He says, “A kiss? That is quite reasonable and sweet.”

He instructs me to get onto the bed on all fours. He lifts up my dress and tells me how much he admires the view. He says he never wants to hear me complain about my bottom…ever. He said it is perfection.

He proceeds to paddle and flog me. I moan, whimper, and cry out. He pauses from time to time to softly and delicately run his fingers along the curves of my body. My body lifts to meet his hand… He mentions how receptive I am.

He tells me how many prefer their submissives naked. He says that he sees the beauty in the disheveled look…He says he will not remove my panties until they are wet. He pauses to take a mental picture…to create a solid memory.

He tells me to lie on my back…he pins my arms down and lays on top of me…he proceeds to bite all over my neck and chest. He smiles after each bite and each whimper I make…he then kisses me…

He asks me how I am feeling…I say that I am enthralled…He says that this is a good answer…

He then restrains my arms behind my back with silk. He notices the mirror with a chair in front of it. He tells me to sit in the chair and face the mirror.

He says, “I want you to see this. Do you trust me?” I nod and I watch him put his gloved hand over my nose and mouth. His gaze is intense as he holds my breath in his hand. I make a soft sound and squirm a bit. He releases his hand and I gasp. He repeats this a few more times…he then removes his glove and places his fingers into my mouth…I trace my tongue along his fingers…

I want to please him and give him pleasure…He senses this…He teases me allowing me to taste him briefly…he then tells me that there will be more later. He directs me to stand and he kisses me…he tells me that I am such a good girl…

He instructs me to return to the bed on my knees and my head down…My arms are still restrained…He paddles and flogs me some more. He then removes the silk restraints and tells me to lie on my back once more…

He grabs a vibrating wand and lies beside me. He places the wand on the outside of my panties. He tells me I am not allowed to cum without his permission. He teases me changing the speed and I squirm…He tells me that he knows that it is a bit of torture for me. I feel waves of pleasure and I start to ache…

His hand moves up my thigh…My white satin panties give me away as they are wet…He smiles and then removes them and mentions how soaked they are.

He has me stand and restrains me with cuffs and carbiner clamps behind my back. He tells me to get on my knees on the bed and put my head down towards the bed. I am vulnerable and completely open to him. He spanks me in a random rhythm….some hit hard and some hit softly…from time to time he pauses and tells me how beautiful I am and how beautifully I suffer for him. He leans in and whispers in my ear that he thinks I can take much more…I agree with a soft, “Yes, Sir.” He then paddles me with another harder toy…I feel the sting much more and he comments on how well I mark.

His fingers lightly graze the heated areas where I was spanked and paddled…I sigh and open up a bit more to him…his fingers penetrate me…

I long for more…

He instructs me to lie on my stomach with my legs straight…I feel his body weight on top of me and that gloved hand across my mouth and nose…His hand lingers there a bit longer and I squirm under his weight.

He says, “There is so much trust in breath play. You literally are holding someone’s life in your hands…their very breath…I love feeling you squirm underneath me…” He removes his hand and I gasp for air…

He places his hand over my mouth and nose again…it stays a bit longer…I squirm a bit more and whimper…He holds me down tightly and then removes his hand…I gasp over and over again…he rubs my hair and soothes me telling me that I am ok…

He tells me to lie back onto my back…He grabs another wand, lies back on the bed and sets the second wand aside. He asks me if I will cum for him. I softly say yes…He grabs the wand and presses it between my thighs on the highest setting. He moves it ever so slightly as to find the one spot that gives me the most pleasure.

He says, “Right there…that is the spot…” and smiles.

He starts kissing my neck and my chest as I moan and cry out from each wave of pleasure…He kisses me…He then opens my legs a bit more, repositions, and uses both internal and external wands on me…He kisses my inner thighs and nibbles on them while I squirm…without him saying to do so, I ask for permission to cum. He grants it and I cum once more…He comments on how beautifully I cum.

I remember him asking me a question in this moment…I believe it was in regards to if I wanted him to stop…I remember responding with a gasping, “I don’t know…” He smiles and laughs a bit as he continues to play with me and the toys.

He finally stops and lies next to me. He asks me how I am feeling and I say that I am happy. He asks me what I am thinking of and I respond…”Only you, Sir.”

He helps me to roll onto my stomach. He removes the restraints and gives me a moment to regain composure. Once I regain composure, he calls me to the side of the bed and I taste him once more…with my hands freed to explore him a bit…I was eager to please him…

Afterwards…

He says that he can not have a complete evening without watching me dance.I gave him options for my costume. He picked the one he wanted me to wear. I slowly removed my dress and bra…and put on my costume while under his intense gaze.

I did find it difficult to dance for him after play. I was a bit out of it but managed to dance to 2 songs and bring a smile to his face, a bit of laughter, and applause…I returned to the bed and sat in front of him…He said I did well and kissed me.

He tells me he wants to see his work. I remove the bottom portion of my costume…The top remained on me and jingled as I returned to being on all fours on the bed. He noticed marks were fading a bit and paddled me a bit more…With every hit, my costume jingled with music as I cried out…He said he would love to have his very own dancing slave girl…He paddled and spanked me a bit longer then sat on the bed…

He said he was pleased with me and I was a good girl…I immediately crawled into his lap, threw my arms around him, and held him close to me.

He smiled and sighed…He held me so close and kissed me sweetly…I did not want him to let me go…I did not want to let him go…

Throughout our play he gave me wine and water as I requested it. He was doting and told me how strong and beautiful I am…

I did not want the evening to end…

I had given so much of myself to him…and he treasured it. He respected it. He adored it. I felt cared for, protected, pushed, beautiful, strong and treasured…the polar opposite of the other Dom of whom I had submitted to previously.

And truly…I gave The Gentleman Sir so much more of myself than I gave the other Dom…because this second one is worthy and treasured what I was giving to him…

I miss him…very, very much…We can not play frequently or see one another regularly due to our locations…

Yet… every day we chat…He tells me how lovely and wonderful I am. He tells me how much he can not wait to see me again. We are close. We have let one another in behind our high walls. We respect one another and are grateful to be a part of each other’s lives…I feel treasured, cared for, protected, and adored by him…even now…

THIS is what I need as a submissive…I will receive anything you give me and give you all that I have…but what I give needs to be treasured, respected, adored, and appreciated…

I count the days until I can see my Gentleman Sir once again…I want to put my arms around him once more, kiss him, see him smile, hear him sigh and tell me how much he treasures me and what I give him…

I know he will hold me in the palm of his hand. He will not drop me or break me…he will not abandon me…He has promised this and has kept his word thus far… ❤

Thank You For Reading,

Melviscious xx

The Drummer Boy…

Following the trend…I was contacted by a Drummer Boy on an online dating site nearly a year ago. We exchanged phone numbers and texted to one another. We set up a date and I had to cancel due to unforeseen circumstances. Communication stopped for months. He then started texting me again. He said he had recently gotten out of a relationship and was looking to date again. He texted me for months then gained the courage to ask me out once more…

We meet at a bar and he has a vodka and club soda with lime waiting for me. His conversation is a bit scattered but we still have a good chat. We have a few more drinks then he says he is interested in going cosmic bowling. (Cosmic bowling is bowling in black lights while techno music is playing). But first we must run by his house and let out his dogs… I agree to go…

We arrive to his house and it is filled with musical instruments. Me, being the music lover and modest performer that I am, walk around and survey the musical gear. I am impressed. He then finds out that I can sing and brings up the idea of us staying at his place to record music. Again, I being the performance geek that I am, agree. We record LOVE ME TENDER by Elvis Presley.

I am my own worst critic. He and I do several takes. He compiles it together and we are rather pleased with how things turn out. He then discusses my bellydancing and his interest in learning the drum beats related to the musical form. I play the music on my Kindle Fire and he decides we need a dance and drum jam…

He goes to his drums and I improvise a bellydance. So far the only turnoff is his awkwardness…I have found that drummers tend to be their own type of character. No 2 drummers are ever alike and they tend to always be a bit awkward and/or odd. He was definitely odd, but I was curious…

We drink…A LOT. I indulge in rum and ginger ale. He drinks the rum straight out of the bottle. We then watch Youtube videos. Somehow we managed to watch a documentary on the set designer of the show Pewee’s Playhouse. He then suggests we go and make out in his bedroom. It is 3 am and time has gotten away from me. The only thing is…I am currently undergoing my cycle…

I always find moments like this awkward. I’ve never found a tactful way to politely impress upon an individual that my lady parts are indisposed. We go to his room. I lie in his bed and we start kissing. I politely say that things are rather inconvenient at the moment.

He returns with, “Oh is it that time of the month? Aunt Flow is visiting. It doesn’t bother me. We don’t have to have sex. Or we can. No pressure.”

We continue to make out. He then pulls off my pants. I am rather tipsy and terribly curious as to what he would do next. I figured we wouldn’t be having sex. His body language did not suggest that we would. It is hard to explain. I thought that we would get to “heavy petting” but not beyond that.

He then does something I have NEVER had this happen to me prior to this moment…

He pulls out my tampon and throws it across the room…I’m not going to lie…This FREAKED ME OUT.

He then pulls out not one but two vibrators and starts playing with me with them…

I have a small orgasm…forced mind you…He asks for nothing in return…

He stands up and says, “Oh look. I have made a mess. I should clean this up.”

I mention that it is really my mess and I am terribly embarrassed. He says that he exacerbated the situation and it is no big deal. He leaves the room and returns with a wet and warm washcloth and towel. He then cleans me up…He took it upon himself to actually clean me up…I am quite embarrassed and have no clue in how to deal with the awkwardness I was feeling…

He then goes to looking for the tampon he threw across the room…he found it…I was horrified again….

He says, “Oh look! Here it is. It’s ok. You needed to change it anyway.”

Once again…I was terribly embarrassed…I tell him this…he tells me that it is all ok and just a part of being a woman.

I admire his progressive nature in things, however, I still found all of this incredibly awkward and odd.

Rather than cuddle with me, he grabs his pillow and says, “Ok…you need to go to sleep. I’ll let you rest now.”

He leaves the room and goes into the living room to sleep. I am left in his bed. I wake a few hours later and quietly leave his house…

I text him thanking him for the evening and that I didn’t want to wake him…

He responds later agreeing it was a fun night…I have not heard from him since…

I was quite off put by the whole tampon issue…I even struggled with blogging about it. I think we’d be good friends, but not beyond that. The whole issue left me with an awkward feeling…and to be frank…I am still trying to cope with the oddity of it all.

Thanks for Reading,

Melliscious xx

Boy 3 and His Wife…An Update…

This morning I woke and checked one of my online sites to find a message from Boy 3’s wife. She had made a dummy account on this site for the sole purpose of looking at my pictures, reading my activity, reading my blogs, and messaging me.

This week Boy 3 broke off his relationship with me. He apparently had broken rules with his wife in regards to their poly relationship. My previous post discusses the rise and fall of the relationship involving him.

A few things to consider:

1. I have never met his wife nor have I ever spoken with her (until it ended). I asked once and she refused.

2. I only knew what Boy 3 told me.

3. I have no control over the poly rules of his relationship with his wife…I have never considered it to be my responsibility to make certain that he follows them.

4. I am sad for the both of them.

The message I received was incredibly long to the point that I had to take breaks from reading it. There were no paragraphs. It was a long, solid group of sentences all relaying the history of their relationship and what she felt in regards to me.

Here is what I have learned from her message…

She starts by saying they have been together for 8 years. Apparently Boy 3 cheated on her prior to them getting married and she did not find out until after the wedding. They separated then got back together. She suggested polyamory as a way to prevent lying and to stay together.

* Polyamory does not fix trust issues…

They start seeing other people. He finds someone he sees regularly…She finds someone as well…then he finds me on a dating site…

He tells her he is interested in seeing me as a “poly friend”…That is how our relationship was approached. He had said he felt he was too young for me…

Come to find out we had chemistry on our first date and enjoyed each other’s company. He told his wife he wanted to pursue things with me. She had a problem with this because she thought we were only going to be “friends”. She thought he had lied about his intentions with me.

She also had a problem with him seeing more than one person. He told me he was seeing someone else on occasion. I didn’t have a problem with it and felt it was none of my business…it was none of my business. Regardless, he broke it off with the other girl.

His wife was not comfortable with him seeing me (even after the first date) and told him he was not allowed to have sex with me until she was comfortable with him seeing me. We had unplanned sex on the second date. He was out late and missed a call from her. He went home and she told him that she wanted him to break it off with me immediately due to him missing the call and unplanned sex. He became upset and she said she would allow him to see me because he had started to care for me.

I asked if I could speak with her to help alleviate concerns or clarify things. He went to her with this and she said no. She said that she did not want to meet me or speak with me. I mentioned to him that I wish she would speak with me. He did not ask her again because she seemed so adamant not to discuss anything with me. She said in her message, had she known I really wanted to speak with her, she would have. I really wanted to speak with her, but why would I press the issue? I was not going to make his wife talk to me and I did not want to make waves or cause drama.

He and I had communicated daily…and continued to progress.

While on another date, he missed another phone call of hers. We were in a loud bar and it was hard to hear. Given that was an issue last time, I became concerned. He immediately called her back when he noticed the missed call and we ended our date. That evening she again mentioned that she wanted him to break it off with me. The whole thing was accidental. He never intentionally missed her calls…ever. She said this was 3 strikes and she wanted the relationship with me to end.

Again…I have never met this woman. And she would not speak with me.

She found out that I knew of her insecurities in regards to me. I never asked Boy 3 to tell me of his relationship woes. I also said that it was none of my business what was going on between him and his wife. However, it seemed she was constantly trying to thwart us from seeing one another and some of this gave me some insight as to the situation. This was another rule that was broken.

Boy 3 had told me about his wife wanting him to see another girl that she had been talking with on a polyamory board. She was in a triad and Boy 3’s wife was going to start seeing the husband. She confirmed this in her message saying that she was trying to get him to see her. He was not interested in her. She wanted him to be interested in her because she had developed a friendship with this new girl. Boy 3 was happy with me and did not want to add on more partners. It seemed she was trying to control who he was allowed to see. It was like she was arranging his relationships based on who was approved.

Boy 3 has told me once or twice that he loves me. I had not yet reached that level of care as of yet and had been a bit guarded due to my instincts kicking in…I did, however, care for him quite a bit. I know he was quite happy with me. He had not told his wife that he started to love me. This was another rule he had broken.

In her message, she goes on to tell me about a lie he told me in regards to a “fight” they had in seeing me when her brother was in town. I have no idea what to believe when it comes to either of these people.

She goes on to tell me that she decided to read my text messages to him in his phone and that is how she found out that we were involved in BDSM play. This was another rule that was broken. He was not allowed to play publicly or privately in BDSM with anyone but his wife.

Apparently there was a very long list of rules that she goes into detail over and he had broken quite a few of them with me.

* I am ethical. Had she spoken with me when I asked..I would have learned about the rules…I at least would have followed them…hence he would have as well.

Seeing as he could not follow any rules, she told him strongly that she wanted him to end things with me…but she would not force him. However, she pressed the issue that she wanted him to end things with me…hence forcing him to make that decision. They are deciding to be monogamous and seek counseling. She is now pregnant with their first child. Their marriage is very much in danger at this point…I feel sad for them.

Boy 3 deleted his social media profiles, unfriended me on various sites…His wife told me he did this because she wanted to eliminate the temptation of seeing me again. He knows where I live. He has my phone number. He knows where I work. If he wanted to see me, he would find a way. Deleting profiles on the internet does not change that.

My final analysis:

Boy 3’s wife has been against my relationship with Boy 3 from the start. I do not condone his lying to either me or her, however, I can see where the lies came from…Every time he messed up and confessed his mistakes, she became angry and wanted him to end it with me. She mentioned that she needed open communication. When he was open and took responsibility for things, she would express anger and contempt for his relationship with me. He began to hide things from her because he wanted to progress with me. He seemed afraid to be honest with her when he did make a mistake for fear of losing me. In the end he lost me anyway due to his lying to her.

She is desperate to fix her marriage. She is trying to control the entire situation. She is desperate to hold onto a man who seems to love her but can not adhere to rules of monogamy or the long list of rules dictated for their poly relationship. Poly relationships need to have both people willing to adhere to rules that THEY BOTH can live with…not just one person. The rules can change as people, dynamics and relationships change. Poly people need TRULY OPEN communication without punishment for honesty. People are going to make mistakes, but making ultimatums does not solve any issues when a mistake is made. The root of why the mistake happened needs to be examined. Punishment for mistakes as in a “3 strikes” scenario is counterproductive for many. Sometimes these strikes are accidental. And when feelings are involved, people are going to try to protect what/who they care for…including their own heart…this can lead to things being hidden.

I do not agree with the way Boy 3 handled this situation. He lied not just to me but to his wife. I do not trust him. I do not trust his wife…I have not met her (by her request), spoke to her once (when he broke it off with me), received an incredibly long message from her (on a dummy profile she made to check my activity and pics), and she has made it plain she did not want him to see me from the start.

I am not comfortable with any of this. I care for Boy 3. I do, very deeply. I will not be involved with him again so long as he is in this situation. Even then, I’d be exceedingly cautious and he would have a lot to answer for…it would not likely happen.

I hope they work out their issues…I wish the best for them both…

One final note…

Polyamory does not fix relationship problems. If there is no trust, polyamory does not work. Polyamory will add many dynamics to all of your relationships. If you can’t handle your monogamous one, being poly will only add to your issues.

Thank You For Reading,

Melliscious xx

 

Addendum: She “allowed” him to continue to see me even when said rules were broken due to his affection for me. Relationships are different for each couple…however…if there are rules in place…they need to be adhered to or changed…The situation needs to be re evaluated where someone is “allowed” to see another after rules are broken…re evaluate and re negotiate according to the different dynamics you have with different people or truly cut it off and know your hard limits…

Vanilla Nazi Jesus Boy…

I am finding that there are all sorts of people who will contact me interested in establishing a “poly” relationship. I am very cautious with any message I receive on any given dating site. Many men that send me messages think that “poly” means I am indiscriminate and will sleep with anyone. This is NOT the case. I do not have a large amount of sexual partners. I am not really into “one night stands” unless the mood is right and things go in that direction. I am capable of casual sex with certain friends without the demands of a poly relationship. However, even the casual relationships that I have with friends…they are WITH FRIENDS…With the key word being FRIENDS. In these cases, I’ve established a rapport and understanding with them.

Many of the messages I receive on these sites are from married men. I have come across many men who are inclined to cheat on their spouses. I am ethical in my polyamory. I will not be an instrument to an end of a marriage. If I think a man is a cheater, or if he outright says so, it is a deal breaker. I avoid drama in my life and do not want to cause anyone grief.

I was approached on a dating site by a man who said he was in a poly marriage. We chatted a bit seemed to have good conversation. We had common interests and communicated well. I was still a bit leery of this man in regards to the fact that his wife did not seek relationships outside of the marriage. In the cases that I am familiar, both spouses have some play outside of their own relationship. We continue to talk. He says he is unavailable in the evening, for whatever reason (a bit of a red flag to me), so we agree to have lunch during his work day (I was off work).

He works an hour away from me…

I drive out towards his work where he asks me to meet him at a chicken fast food restaurant. I arrive and he is not there. He texts me saying he is running behind and he shows up 15 minutes later.

I was amazed by his appearance. If M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice had a mutant baby…it would be this guy. He wore pinstriped “Hammer Pants“, a tattoo style button up shirt, white suede wing tip shoes, and a bluetooth lodged in his ear as an accessory. His bluetooth remained in his ear our entire lunch. This guy looked like a 90’s douchebag. I was trying my best not to judge him by his fashion sense alone…we walk to the fast food counter.

I order my lunch thinking he MIGHT buy since I drove out so far for his convenience. I wasn’t going to expect it, but where I live this would be considered an unspoken courtesy due to high gas prices. I order a salad and an ice water for a grand total of $7. He places his order then the total is given. He gives me a look. I look at the cashier and politely ask her to divide the bill. He says that he will get it next time. I smile and say nothing.

We walk to one of the booths and sit down. It is very difficult for me to take him seriously given his “Ice Ice Baby” appearance but sit an wait for him to speak. He opens his mouth and things only get worse…He is clearly a heavy right winger…

I had chatted with him once online and said JESUS CHRIST in an exclamation via text, and he corrected me. THAT should have been a red flag then…

He tells me he is working to become a deacon in his church and goes to Bible study every Wednesday night. I found it odd that he was so religious and found polyamory to be ok given his traditional sense of Christianity. I ask him about this and he flat out says that he just wants more women.

In regards to me, I am an atheist and have told him this. I mention that again and say that I do appreciate his right to religion and faith. He starts talking about the Bible and all of these references to women and sex.

He continues with his Bible talk, looks at me, and says, “Oh, I must be boring you. You probably don’t understand anything that I am talking about.”

I respond with, “No, not at all. I studied religions in college, have  read 4 different versions of the Bible, the Dead Sea Scrolls, the Nag Hammadi, as well as other Gnostic texts. Have you read any of those? For example, the Gospel according to Mary Magdalene or the Apocryphon of Peter?”

He looks stunned and says, “I’ve only read the King James version…” We stop talking religion.

He then moves onto black people. He says he works with black people and that they all agree that black people are a problem with society. He says they all discuss that black people are a big issue with our city in regards to crime and drugs. He rationalizes that it is ok for him to discuss black people in this manner because his coworkers are black and they agree.I was FLOORED.

People choose to behave the way that they do. It is not because of their skin color… So this guy is a racist…

He goes onto discuss welfare and how he wishes to resolve the issues involved with it. He thinks anyone on welfare should earn their keep and be put into “work camps”. I mention that that sounds a bit “Nazi” and probably would not go over very well. He states that it would be OK if we just said we are “going green”.

I have nothing to say to this man at this point…

He then says that he thinks he should run for President and that I should be his running mate. I politely decline saying that I am not cut out for the job that he wants me to do. He reassures me that I’d be great.

The lunch comes to and end and not soon enough. I walk out to my vehicle and he follows. He tells me he had a lovely time and that he’ll come out closer to me next time we go out.

I awkwardly say, “Oh…yeah…I’ll be seeing you…”

He responds with, “You better!”

He tries to kiss me and I dodge his lips. I am utterly disgusted by this man and cut off all communication.

After 3 months of radio silence. He starts texting me again. I ignore. He then sends me messages on the dating site he initially contacted me. I ignore. After a week of texts, I politely say, “I’m not interested in pursuing anything further with you. Good luck on your search. Have a good day.”

He messages me again on the dating site asking why I am not interested. I thought it best not to respond although a twitter friend said that I should tell him, “Because I call you Nazi Jesus Boy”.

The world is full of diversity. I encounter a myriad of individuals trying their best to find companions in this life…Perhaps there is someone out their for our Nazi esque, racist, uber Jesus, Vanilla Ice wannabe. That someone was clearly not me.

Thank You for Reading,

Melliscious xx

H…The Pretend Dominant…

In the BDSM scene, you encounter all types of people. One thing that I have learned is that there are some men who pretend to be a Dominant (a person giving the bondage and paddling) in order to lure submissive women into their bedrooms. I was a bit new to this scene for I had only played with my partners…not openly with others until a year or so ago…These men say they are experienced but do not actually practice any aspect of BDSM other than cuffing you to a bed and having sex.

I was approached on 2 different dating sites by a man I call H. He messaged me on an adult based site and also on a BDSM site. He said he had been on the scene for a long time.He discussed what he learned from his experience and I felt he sounded legit. We agreed to meet for coffee. He was charming and seemed pleased with me. I found him intriguing. We had lovely conversation and make plans to meet again.

We go out on another date for an evening. He takes me to a nice restaurant and later a dance club. He is doting, very gentlemanly, and ever concerned with whether or not I am having a good time. He is clearly intelligent. My naivety at the time did not see him for what he was. He read me like a book. He knew everything that he needed to say to get me hooked. He was an expert at his trade. He would look at me and tell me what I was thinking and say that it looks like I had made a decision about him… He had experience with other girls that were new to the public scene… and I fell for it… all of it. I was intrigued by him and his ability to relay my thoughts. We started dating regularly…

The first night we had sex, I had met him at a bar. He had been careful to not push me into sex right away. He stimulated my intellect knowing that I am an intellectual. We finally go back to his place. He gives me the tour of his home. It is a large home and he is well off. It is clear that he has money. He directs me to his bedroom and starts to give instructions. He wants me nude on his bed on all fours. He tells me where to lie, what position I am to be in, and what specifically I am to do. I find this exciting. We have sex and he discusses how attractive I am and how much he loves my body. We reach the end and he does something that is a hard limit for me. (It is a deeply personal thing for me so I will not disclose what he does.) I told him that this is something of which that I am not comfortable. He seemed surprised by this and was very apologetic. He said he wouldn’t do this again.

We continue to go on dates. I am leery of sleeping with him again. I start to talk about the local BDSM club that I attend. He knew of the local club. I had never seen him there. He said he was very private in his play and only played at home. The local club has phenomenal equipment and the people there are very welcoming. I found it odd that he didn’t go. I asked him when would we start playing. he said that he didn’t want to rush things. We were already having sex at this point. I did not understand why he didn’t want to start the BDSM aspect we had discussed.Red flags were starting to pop up. We went out a few more times and only had sex 2 more times.

The last time we had sex, he tried to pressure me into allowing him to perform my hard limit saying that he already did it once and that it’d be ok for him to do it again. He pushed me to do it and did it again. This was unforgivable for me. This was a limit that was not negotiable. He broke my trust and clearly did not respect my wishes and limits.

I stopped seeing him. My hard limit…It is a RARE time when I perform it with someone. I have to trust them implicitly and it is not something that I particularly enjoy. It is a gift that I give on my terms. He would not honor that. Submissives allow you to do things to them. You do not take what is not allowed. So, he lost me…for good. I cut off all communication with this man.

I did a bit more research on him. I found out he does prey on submissive girls. A few in the scene told me why he does not come to the local club and it is because his type of behavior is not welcome there. I adore the people at my local club. They look out for one another and have an extensive amount of experience. They work to provide a protected environment for the people who attend. I respect everyone at that club. They think the world of me and I them.

Protect yourselves! If a man is unwillingly to play at a local BDSM club in a safe environment, that is a red flag. The club I attend requires a screening to ensure there are no ill intent people admitted. The location is kept secret. The club has active monitors to ensure safety. This man had problems with this club. This is a red flag. If someone on a BDSM site contacts me for play, I now require that they meet me there…around the people I trust…in this secure place. THAT is now a hard limit. If they are unwilling to meet me there for play, we do not play…we do not meet…ever. I will not be preyed upon again.

Be careful out there…

Thank You for Reading,

Melliscious xx