Rape Culture in the Poly World

Being polyamorous, I sometimes find it difficult to find partners who understand the parameters of the poly lifestyle. At first, I thought that it was because many misunderstood what being “poly” means. There are many types of non-monogamy. For me, being “poly” involves developing lasting relationships that have emotional attachment. I am not into one night stands. I do not have sex indiscriminately. I make this plain in all of my online dating profiles. I feel that I am rather clear as to what type of relationships I am interested in…

I consistently get emails and messages on these dating sites from men who are crass, crude, lewd, and speak to me with a complete lack of manners. I had been giving them the benefit of the doubt in that they may not understand what being “poly” is. They may legitimately think that I am looking for such advances in regards to a filthy nature. I was making excuses for them and ignoring such messages.

I recently had a phone conversation (and later a Skype) with a potential romantic interest. He told me that he wasn’t surprised that I get such messages because clearly my dating profile says that I am looking for sex. It does not say that ANYWHERE ON MY PROFILE. I became livid. I asked him which part he felt presented such an idea. He said that what I was looking for was “lasting relationships that could lead to intimacies” and that I was in an “open marriage” was what made some men think this. He left out the part that I say I am not into one night stands.

He apologizes for upsetting me and says that this was not his intent. We later go onto Skype to chat a bit more.

On Skype, we talk for a little bit, then he starts fondling himself. He asks if it bothers me that he is doing that. I say that it doesn’t bother me per se but I have not met him yet and it is awkward. He continues to do so and puts the camera on his hand while he fondles himself through his clothing. I say that I’d rather look at his face because that is what I am talking to and he turns the camera back around.

Conversation continues…He tells me how horny I make him, that he can’t help it, and then he whips out his penis and starts stroking it. He puts the camera back on it and asks me if this makes me uncomfortable. I say that it does and he once again says he can’t help it…he has a high sex drive. He asks me if I want to see him cum.

Skype had disconnected several times during the conversation. So, I took it upon myself to hang up on him and blame Skype.

We had made plans to meet the following day…Needless to say, I cancelled them. How could I possibly trust a man not to give into his urges when I clearly said things were making me uncomfortable…and he said he couldn’t help it.

First Skype calls are like first meetings. Would any rational man whip out his penis in a bar and start stroking it saying he couldn’t help it because I made him horny? How would he feel if I kicked him in the testicles saying that I just couldn’t help it because he made me angry?

After a tremendous amount of thought about the whole experience and the messages/emails that I regularly get on online dating sites, it is VERY clear to me that this is a solid example of “rape culture”.

He was excusing his lewd acts regardless of my protest because I was making him horny. And somehow ALL of this was acceptable because my profile states that I am in an open marriage and looking for lasting relationships that could lead to intimacies…He was placing blame on me.

THIS is Rape Culture in all of its hideous form. In his mind, I was clearly asking for this. It is my fault that I get messages that are lewd, crude, and crass because I am non-monogamous and enjoy sex. I should expect such behaviour because this is somehow “par for the course” for being a woman who enjoys sex.

No, I am no longer going to assume that men who message me do not understand what being “poly” means. I make it blatantly clear in my profile. If they are not clear, they can ask me questions. I normally ignore such messages. I will respond to these lewd comments with stern replies correcting such behavior. It. Is. NOT OK!

I am non-monogamous. I am kinky.

However…

I AM NOT asking for pictures of your penis.

I AM NOT asking for your rude and lewd comments.

I AM NOT asking for you to whip out your penis on Skype and fondle yourself.

And when I say I AM NOT comfortable with ANY of what you are doing, I DO NOT CARE if you THINK that you “can’t help it.”

No STILL means NO! Online or in “real life”. Guess what? I am STILL a human being online like I am in “real life”.

No one will blame me for their inability to control their urges…THIS is Rape Culture as I experience it nearly everyday in the poly world through online messages/emails and in Skype calls with men who do not listen to me saying that I am uncomfortable…and who excuse their lewd behaviour because I am non-monogamous.

Rape culture does not sit only with how a woman dresses…rape culture exists heavily where women are vocal about enjoying sex and their relationships…It is truly frightening how ingrained rape culture is in our society.

Thank You For Reading,

Melliscious xx

As an aside…This post does not apply to men with whom I have met, with whom I have a connection, and have a solid understanding.

J and the River

Younger boys are quite appealing. They have stamina, endurance, and bend in interesting ways. Many are terribly immature. Fortunately I am currently dating a younger boy who is far more mature than the rest…but that is another story. This story is about J. He approached me on an online dating site sending me a well thought out and polite message. I thought he was attractive but nearly dismissed him due to his age. He was polite and an intellectual. I find intelligence sexy. We text each other for a few days and seemed to hit it off well. We schedule a date.

I meet him at a local bar and burger joint. I am not much of a burger person but indulge in one of their salads and have a rum and diet coke. He dives into his burger and beer. He has striking blue eyes, is a bit skinny, but later I find out he is quite strong. Turns out our birthdays are the same. We finish dinner, continue our conversation, and decide to head out to the river and watch the boats sail by.

It is a bit chilly outside. It is early October and the night is a bit cool. We snuggle into each other. He kisses me and we move in a bit closer. His hands start roaming. I am very attracted to him and allow him to proceed up my skirt. At this point, I had NEVER had sex on a first date. Things continue to progress and get rather hot…

He lays down his coat and I lie on top of it. He lies on top of me…whispers in my ear and says, “I wanna take you here.” this excited me and he removes my panties. We have sex in at least 3 positions on the side of the river lying on cobblestones. The dry grass that had now become straw breached the stones on which we coupled. The sex was intense and quite enjoyable. I knew if we were caught we were likely to be arrested. We were not far from one of the local police stations.

After we finished…

I quickly put myself back in order. He held and kissed me softly. We went to a local 24 hour diner and had a bit of breakfast. It was approximately 2 am and a weeknight at that. He went back over our evening and laughed as we slowly pulled pieces straw out of my hair. He then informed me that we entertained 2 homeless men and a couple of late night joggers gave him a “thumbs up” at one point. I was quite embarrassed by all of that. I had never had sex on a first date! I have had sex in public areas prior to that moment, but it was always a bit more discreet and without an audience!

We had good chemistry. It was fun while it lasted but he had poly relationship issues with his girlfriend and things could not progress with us. He later contacted me again saying things were different. They weren’t. He said he wanted me to be a submissive to him. We started to make plans. Come to find out, he is not poly. He is strictly casual sex which would have been fine with me had he not presented himself as otherwise. He was not honest. We do not talk now. He handled things in an immature manner. His lack of life experience was showing. I hated the way things ended, but he is using BDSM as a way to get laid…to convince girls he is an experienced Dominant when he has no clue as to what he is doing…

Bad ending…but that does not negate the fun nights we did share. We had lovely moments. I will always remember my night with J and the river…I was pulling straw out of my hair for days…and would smile…

Thank you for Reading,

Melliscious xx

Awkward Number 1

When my husband and I made the decision to be “open”, I started to set up profiles on various dating sites. One was more adult driven and it was not uncommon for me to log onto my account and have 100 emails from penis pictures. It would literally be a forest of erect penises in avatar pics. It became quite stressful after a while. I was being hounded by an army of dicks telling me all the ways that they could make me orgasm. Sometimes I would make funny voices for these talking penises and amuse myself. I gave many of them cartoon voices according to the tone of the message and the pic itself….But I digress…

I am approached on this site by a man with an actual face picture and a polite message of interest…

It was easy to spot the non penis pic guys because there were so few of them and honestly…a dick pic is a dick pic and they all blend together after a while. I read his profile. He was a handsome Navy fitness trainer. He lived nearby. He had a little girl and seemed to have a solid head on his shoulders. We chatted a bit, exchanged numbers, texted and made a date to meet.

We met at a Sushi bar and had a lovely chat. He was handsome with gorgeous green eyes and quite fit. He walks me to my car and kisses me bye…twice. He was very gentlemanly and sweet. This was my second date, but first real possibility for a sexual encounter as a newly poly girl. The first guy was uncomfortable with the poly lifestyle. This new guy was not bothered by it. We make plans for an evening at his place for dinner, movie, video games.

The day comes when I go to visit his place…and with the lovely timing of nature…I get my period. I decide not to outright tell him this because there really is no nice way of saying, “Hey! Guess what? We are gonna have a GREAT time tonight ESPECIALLY if you are into bleeding vaginas!” I decide to go on with the evening to see how things unfold…

I carry on with making dinner, having wine and conversation. We play ROCK BAND on his Xbox and then watch a film. He starts kissing me and things begin to get heated. I then tell him at this point that I have actually started my period…

His response? “I don’t care, I will put down a towel if I have to.” It never really bothers me to have sex while I am menstruating. I actually find it soothing on cramps. I thought it might be awkward for a first time sexual experience for us as a couple. Nevertheless, I agree and we go to his bedroom.

I excuse myself to his bathroom and “handle things” before we get to going at it…He is naked and waiting for me in his bed. I tell him that I practice safe sex and use condoms. He is not used to using condoms but I insist. We continue foreplay some more with me on a towel…yes he laid out a towel…then he goes to put on the condom…

The condom is too big…

It wasn’t a triple x massive cock type of condom. It was a standard size Trojan condom. I was embarrassed for him. I was impressed by his persistence in trying to have sex with me with a condom that fit like a plastic shopping bag on a bunch of carrots. It kept slipping off and he kept saying he was not used to condoms. I could see why given that the standard size did not fit him. He probably had a hard time finding condoms that fit.

I could barely feel him inside of me. There was not much hope of gaining an internal orgasm but maybe his pounding into me might do something? He pulled my hair at one time and started talking dirty which was an admirable effort but all in all…I had a tiny orgasm earlier in the foreplay, and he did not get there at all.

We stopped and went to the kitchen for a snack on the leftovers…

We watched a little more of the film. I got dressed then went home. We texted each other a little bit after that then he fell off of the planet. Probably was for the best. The whole evening was a giant mess of awkward. We would not be able to give one another what we needed.

I will say that I have never been with a man that was too small to fit a standard sized condom. I am betting the horror of that moment probably killed the evening for him. And I felt horrified for him.

THAT was my first sexual encounter as a newly poly girl. Happy that I was wise enough to realize that there was more on the horizon and I just had to keep looking…

And another interesting addition to my collection of life’s stories…

Thank you for Reading,

Melliscious xx

The Nutty French Professor…A Night chock full of CRAZY

In my journey of polyamory, I have encountered interesting people. One of the oddest dates I have ever been on involved a French professor. We briefly met once for a drink. He called me a few weeks later and asked me to meet him a a local bar. We had a lovely chat the last time so I agreed.

Our next date:

We met at the bar. I had a rum and coke and he had a beer. We chatted for a bit. He mentioned going back to his place to watch a movie and chat because the atmosphere there was loud. I gave him a concerned look. His response? “Don’t worry, I am not going to try to sleep with you.” I tell him that I am required to text my husband the address that I am at whenever I go out for safety purposes. He complies and gives me his information. I follow him in my car and we go back to his place…

He offers to make me a coffee.He brings the French press to the living room and makes it for me there. I sit on the couch. He pops in a movie called CHOKE then has a seat next to me. We barely say anything during the film. He does, however, develop a fascination for the curls in my hair. He slowly starts to pick apart the curls essentially frizzing my hair. He then takes his wolf like nails, scratches my leg and says, “I’m trying to see if I leave any marks on you.”

Bear in mind, we have barely spoken. He is taking odd liberties. After the film is done (film was about a sex addict), he says he needs to go outside for a smoke and asks if I’d like to join him. I agree due to the fact I am oddly curious as to what this odd man might do next…

We go on his balcony (it’s screened in so no fear of being pushed off the edge.). He takes his fingers and starts poking my ribs. I give him an odd look while thinking, “WOW! you are WEIRD aren’t you?” He asks me to turn around and proceeds poking me again. He says that he is trying to see if I am ticklish. He then takes my face into his hands and gives me a rather creepy grin. He frizzes my hair some more. Tis a bit unnerving…We go back inside…

At this point I am hoping that he doesn’t wield a butcher knife and think DINNERTIME! I really didn’t think I was in total danger for he knew that my husband knew where I was…

We sit on the couch and he goes back to destroying my hairstyle and scratching my legs. He looks at me and says that he would like to show me how he kisses but he has bad breath. I offer him a mint. He graciously accepts and I eat one as well.

He looks at me and says, “I guess I could have brushed my teeth since I am at home. It may have been faster than sucking this mint.”

I say, “Well, yes. You could also bite the mint.”

He says, “No it will ruin my teeth!” I give him an odd look… O.o

I tell him that I am going to read one of his French books while he waits for the mint to dissolve. Since I studied Spanish, I thought I might know a few French words..I was also starting to feel like I was in a perpetual Monty Python sketch so playing along with the weirdness became quite fun.

He finishes his mint and kisses me. He is not a bad kisser although his breath did smell of minty cigarettes, beer and coffee. I mention that there were no marks from his nails. He tells me that this is good to know. He says he would like to arrange a play date one night. I smile politely while I am yelling, “Oh HELL NO!” in my head.

He mentions that it is getting late. I agree and we walk to my car. He doesn’t kiss me goodnight or hug me. He says to be safe driving and tells me goodbye. He walks back to his apartment without turning around or waving…

The night does not stop here with the weirdness…

I drive home taking a route that leads me through an unsavory area. It was the fastest route home. I see a car had crashed into a light pole. I stop, get out and phone 911. I walk to the car to find a man slumped over the steering wheel. I ask him if he is ok and can walk. He gets out of the car and leans against the side. I see smoke rising from the car and instruct the man to go to the curb.

The man says, “My cigarettes and glasses are in my car. Will you get them?”

I say, “Sir, I am not going into a smoking car to get your glasses and your cigarettes are in your front pocket.” He pats his ass. I direct him to his shirt.

He says,”I’m not even gonna lie. I am drunk. Just know that I swerved to miss a person and crashed my car. Therefore I sacrificed to save someone’s life!” There was no one in sight.

A lady walks out of her home and tells me she wants to stand with me just for safety’s sake until the police arrive because the area was known for being high crime. I am grateful.

The man says again, “I am very drunk.”

Me, “Yes.”

Man says, “I fucked up my life tonight, didn’t I?”

Me, “Yes, yes you did.” The police arrive and tell me to head home. I make it home safely free from harm but with an unusual night of tales to tell. I have no idea what sort of play the Nutty French Professor wanted to do. I do know that it wouldn’t involve me. You meet all kinds in the kink world. He is one of the many odd ones I have encountered…

Lesson? Make sure someone knows where you are at all times when you are out..

Thanks for Reading,

Melliscious xx