Identifying and Minimizing Predators

 

Having had my fill of predatory men in the kink scene, I have learned a lot about identifying and dealing with them. I am fortunate enough to have a strong support network of friends to help me over come the abuse and attempts of abuse from predatory men. I should point out there are female predators…I am focusing on the male gender as that is my consistent gender experience.

Some things you have to remember…

  1. Predators will not go away. I mean it. They will not go away…never fully.
  2. It is important to recognize their patterns, their methods, and how they dole out their own brand of abuse.
  3. Predators rely on silence, victim blaming, and victim shaming.
  4. They will move from your scene eventually and target others outside of it.
  5. To minimize predators, the kink environment must be made hostile to those types of people.

What I want to discuss in this piece is what makes an environment hostile for predators in a kink related community and how to identify them.

Patterns and methods of predators…

  1. They never take full responsibility for their behavior. They will take a minimal concession that is not reputation damaging to their respective egos…they will often say they didn’t communicate well, the other person misunderstood them..shifting blame and deflecting attention away from their actions.
  2. They have a vehicle to drive their stock of victims to them. It can be a blog, kink event (they have a say in/organizer), social media site…they will defend their vehicle as they put time into generating  it’s purpose to replenish the stock quickly.
  3. They are charming to everyone publicly. To many, they will be your best friend as they will need allies to defend them. They will be giving to these certain individuals and show a swift, fierce loyalty letting you see them somewhat vulnerable to establish your trust. Oftentimes…they play the victim to win you over and gain your sympathy.
  4. They find a weakness in others and strengthen a person by giving a substantial amount of care and attention to attach those unsuspecting to them. They will spend time giving a LARGE amount care to reinforce the trust of those they will use later.
  5. They will encourage others to fight their battles. After fierce loyalty is established, they will sic their “loyal and dearest friends” on anyone who says any kind of accusation..or an unkind word. (Bear in mind, these people have received copious amounts of care that show them how wonderful this man is…it’s almost a remarkable amount…and uncharacteristic of normal progression of friendships). These people will not be very receptive to any criticism as this man has ALWAYS been there for them when they needed him.
  6. There will be multiple stories involving different people. The predator will be able to explain away all of them…and often blame their victims for the very thing they do. *There’s something to be said that a person believes that what they do, everyone else does…predators are similar in this regard.
  7. Their behavior is predictable. They will do the same thing they have always done. Each predator has a different vehicle, their own style, their own method. If they’ve been successful in the past, they will continue to do the same thing they have always done if gone unchecked.
  8. They will do what they can to remain in a place of power by doing favors for others…often for free and even giving gifts/money, so others feel indebted to them and possibly turn a blind eye to their behaviors.

*I will happily add to this list in the future if I think on any other patterns/methods that predators exhibit.

Since kink events and kink websites are often the “hot spots” for predators…let’s talk about how to make them uncomfortable and leave…

How to make a kink environment hostile for predators…

  1. Communicate effectively, non-emotive, and show as well as request ample evidence.
  2. Allow a safe space for victims to discuss concerns without blame or judgement and FREQUENTLY remind people they can freely talk about anything without repercussions.
  3. Listen to the victims and ask for evidence…but do so with the intent of helping these victims…do not present a front that you don’t believe them…assure confidentiality and discretion.
  4. Ask other people who know the predator if they have heard anything about him (generally speaking without divulging information).
  5. Collect evidence and save everything.
  6. Confront the predator without emotion and ask for his side. Discuss non confidential evidence and concerns regarding specific incidents of behavior.
  7. Watch the predator and interactions as well as discuss behaviors with anyone he interacts with.
  8. It is helpful to have a lawyer friend who understands the law so they can advise accordingly.
  9. It is also important to have other unbiased people looking at the evidence to gain a perspective outside of your own.
  10. Be certain to disclose in advance predatory/abusive behavior warrants removal from an event/website. Be thorough in what constitutes removal and add a clause saying any activity deemed as potentially abusive will be considered as well.
  11. Any man who IS NOT a predator and rational will want to help aid the community in having a safe space for women. They will not be offended. They will cooperate without argument and offer to help.
  12. Seek to resolve first. If the predator is not removed right away, ensure the victim that you are watching the predator. Any subsequent complaints will warrant your swift actions in outing/removing said predator.
  13. Remember, the predator will not stop. However, the predator will rely on silence. The predator will continue the behavior and eventually get caught.
  14. BE DILIGENT AND CONSISTENT WITH EVERYONE!
  15. Accept evidence as it is…EVEN if he is your friend.

The key overall? Communication…effective, non-emotive, evidence based communication. BE CLEAR in what is NOT ok…and what IS abusive. Reminding the community from time to time is key in encouraging a safe space for people to explore.

Lastly, for women who suspect they are involved with a predator…

  1. Talk to others who know the man…listen to EVERY story. I do mean EVERY STORY.
  2. Show texts and interactions with others outside of the situation. They will point out behaviors that you are overlooking…potentially gas lighting like behaviors you may not notice.
  3. Ask people in the community what the safe/sane/consensual means. Discuss your or hypothetical stories with people you know and trust within the community.
  4. Talk to his previous partners…and LISTEN.
  5. Find leaders who are well respected in the community (just ask around and others will direct you)…ask them their thoughts on your play.
  6. RED FLAG: If your man does not want you to talk to others about him and/or demonizes/blames everyone he has ever been with…this is a problem.
  7. If you want to leave him, strengthen your support network and do not be afraid to ask for help as well as advice.

 

Predators are not going to go away…not fully. The key is to communicate and be clear as to what behavior is not acceptable. Accept evidence as it is and watch for patterns. Their methods usually do not change and they will do the same thing as it has worked for them in the past…at the time they change their methods, eventually they will be predictable once again.

Thank you for reading.

M

Dear Men Of Social Media

dearmen

 

 

 

eyeliner

Dear Men of Social Media,

I need you to read to understand…not read to respond.

Recent events in my life have led me to take a more stringent set of protocols for how I engage with men on social media…primarily Twitter. I have had disturbing dealings with a man on social media as of late, and it is imperative good men understand what women need in order to feel safe. Because of my various dealings with unpleasant men on Twitter and other online platforms, I have a more discriminating eye as to whom I engage with in a private matter. This is my choice and should be respected.

Some things I have noticed…

A growing pattern involving repeated observations shows certain sorts of men on Twitter only want to engage in direct/private messages as opposed to openly on the timeline.While this in itself is harmless, there is a significant pattern of unpleasant/predatory/deceitful men who deal in this way. They hide their interactions with other women and keep their public timeline quite generic or only engage with who is seemingly a significant other…in some cases, they don’t have a significant other but want to cast a net out to find potential women to add to a “collection”.

It is difficult to initially determine whether or not a man is an abusive or predatory sort. So, I politely and honestly try to give insight as to why it is bothersome to only engage in a private message situation with men I do not really know.

My explanation is meant to give insight in how to make me feel safer…not insult, berate, or accuse anyone of anything.

When I explain I have had unpleasant dealings with such men in the past, a portion of these men take it personally, say they won’t talk to me again, and/or seem to be offended. This is not helpful in helping me assess if a man is of questionable motive.

I do understand this is frustrating for the good men of social media who feel they are getting the short end of the stick, are being punished for the behavior of others, and/or feel angry that women are subjected to this daily.

Women absolutely recognize that the good men of social media are frustrated. We are frustrated too in that we have to constantly wonder if THIS ONE GUY is dangerous like THAT ONE GUY was.

Good men of social media, we need you to understand that NO ONE likes this. NO ONE wants to have to wonder if you are the one who is going to hurt us…again.

What we do need is for you to help us feel safe. If you are worth your salt, you will allow us a safe space to learn about you and trust you.

We want to talk to you (unless we say otherwise). We want to make new friends (unless we disclose we aren’t expanding our circle).

We need you to understand this IS NOT personal. We are doing what we can to protect ourselves because we live in a society that does little to protect us.

Whether private messages upset us, constant mentions, overly exuberant behavior over our posts, etc… Listen to understand what makes us uncomfortable. It is highly individual and can vary with each woman. It is not meant to insult you. We are telling you how to make us feel safe. If you are interested in us, you will rise to the request and offer us reassurance we are safe.

Thank You For Reading,

Ms M x

The Female Life Experience

 

Please read to understand what it means to be female in this society…

I often encounter men who have NO CLUE why I am as cautious, questioning, a bit anxious about certain topics, or hesitant to progress with them. There are many reasons why. I promise you, I am not alone in my female experience

“Modern men” need to gain an understanding about what the female life experience is.

What is this experience? Let me sum it up for you…I will try to be brief…

I have beauty standards, motherhood, and domesticity pushed upon in at an early age of 2-3 years old in the form of gender based toys…fake makeup, dolls, toy kitchens, barbies…

I will be made fun of by peers if I want anything that boys would want (microscopes, chemistry sets, lasers, anything not girl).

I am told to smile because it makes my face prettier.

I am dressed in clothing that would make me a pretty girl.

I am sexualized by the time I am 12…because my body changes into more of a shape that makes me “attractive” to men…larger breasts…hips widen.

I have boys offer sexual favors by the time I am 13.

Street harassment starts and is consistent throughout my life.

Once I become a teenager in high school, I have already been called various derogatory terms for a sexual woman because my body looks like a woman.

Family members tell me how I’m all grown up…How pretty I am…Boys are evil and should keep away or grandpa will shoot them with his rifle. Grown men at church pay more attention to me and find reasons to hug me.

Boys at school start false rumors about my sexuality because they are attracted to me and “boys will be boys.”

I start college and am required to take a defense course because women in this trade are assaulted regularly.

I am stalked 3 times by boys. A few family members tell me it’s because I’m so pretty.

One of the boys sexually assaults me at a club when I am 19…not raped, fortunately.

One stalker forced me to move in with my grandparents so he could no longer find me.

I do not report anything because I am afraid and think this is my fault because I must have given off the wrong signals. Shame on me.

I say nothing to my family because I can’t bear to be blamed for this.

I’ve been conditioned to self loathe my body because I am not a supermodel. Eating disorders start as well as reckless exercise.

Street harassment as well as sexist and misogynistic comments do not cease.

At 21, I work for a man who keeps porn on his computer and magazines in his desk. He has business ties with local strip club owners. He encourages me to sell to them (I do as it’s my job) as well as work for them (I decline). Even received phone calls from the head of all the chains asking me to join him.

I later become a DJ and play at fraternity parties getting regularly harassed by drunk men.

My agent wants to engage in sexual relations with me. I decline. He takes a bigger cut than what he takes from the males.

I could give endless examples of more of the same…

Fast forward to re entering university…I am regularly harassed by a boy in my science classes. He tells me the sexual things he wants to do to me. It took me humiliating him to get hi to leave me alone. I saw him on campus the other day…he had found my dating profile as well as my FB. Tried to get me to go out with him again. I had to block him across the board to get him to leave me alone.

I get told science is hard and that I am girl…then denied letter of recommendation to enter grad school by a male professor of whom I did a year’s worth of undergrad research with.

Dating sites, I get bombarded by messages from men who want to take from me. They are explicit in nature…few are actually well thought out and polite. They hide behind the cloak of anonymity that the internet provides.

Social media, I get unsolicited penis pics sent to me. I have rude and explicit direct messages as well as public mentions. I am slut shamed. Yet if I don’t comply, I am a prude.

Street harassment does not stop…sometimes wearing headphones doesn’t work either, because some men ignore this subtle cue of a request to leave me alone.

I am once again sexually assaulted by a different man I trusted.

I am stalked again…this time digitally on social media and harassed via email and phone. It affects my work, and I have to notify my boss about it. Fortunately he is understanding and gives support.

Why am I telling you this? Because every 109 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. 90% of those people are female. 1 in 6 women are sexually assaulted. Only 6 in 1,000 people will serve time for sexual assault. This is based on those who reported…I did not report. I can not fathom how much larger this number is.

Statistics: RAINN

So again, why am I telling you this? Because I am not the only woman this happens to. When you are at a party/work/bar, take a look around…1 in 6 women are me…but truthfully? That number is likely much larger. When you talk to women, you need to realize the scope of their possible life. I promise you, my story is a common one for many women.

They don’t speak out…why?

  1. They don’t see the point. (No one really goes to prison)
  2. They’ve been conditioned not to and to self blame.
  3. They don’t want to be shamed.
  4. They don’t want you to judge them.
  5. They don’t want to hurt others (family, current partner).

Men…remember this when speaking to women. They’ve been at battle their whole lives for just being female. Do not take things personally.

Read to understand…speak out against those who harm us…give us a space so we can be vocal without fear.

Thank you for reading

M x