Having had my fill of predatory men in the kink scene, I have learned a lot about identifying and dealing with them. I am fortunate enough to have a strong support network of friends to help me over come the abuse and attempts of abuse from predatory men. I should point out there are female predators…I am focusing on the male gender as that is my consistent gender experience.
Some things you have to remember…
- Predators will not go away. I mean it. They will not go away…never fully.
- It is important to recognize their patterns, their methods, and how they dole out their own brand of abuse.
- Predators rely on silence, victim blaming, and victim shaming.
- They will move from your scene eventually and target others outside of it.
- To minimize predators, the kink environment must be made hostile to those types of people.
What I want to discuss in this piece is what makes an environment hostile for predators in a kink related community and how to identify them.
Patterns and methods of predators…
- They never take full responsibility for their behavior. They will take a minimal concession that is not reputation damaging to their respective egos…they will often say they didn’t communicate well, the other person misunderstood them..shifting blame and deflecting attention away from their actions.
- They have a vehicle to drive their stock of victims to them. It can be a blog, kink event (they have a say in/organizer), social media site…they will defend their vehicle as they put time into generating it’s purpose to replenish the stock quickly.
- They are charming to everyone publicly. To many, they will be your best friend as they will need allies to defend them. They will be giving to these certain individuals and show a swift, fierce loyalty letting you see them somewhat vulnerable to establish your trust. Oftentimes…they play the victim to win you over and gain your sympathy.
- They find a weakness in others and strengthen a person by giving a substantial amount of care and attention to attach those unsuspecting to them. They will spend time giving a LARGE amount care to reinforce the trust of those they will use later.
- They will encourage others to fight their battles. After fierce loyalty is established, they will sic their “loyal and dearest friends” on anyone who says any kind of accusation..or an unkind word. (Bear in mind, these people have received copious amounts of care that show them how wonderful this man is…it’s almost a remarkable amount…and uncharacteristic of normal progression of friendships). These people will not be very receptive to any criticism as this man has ALWAYS been there for them when they needed him.
- There will be multiple stories involving different people. The predator will be able to explain away all of them…and often blame their victims for the very thing they do. *There’s something to be said that a person believes that what they do, everyone else does…predators are similar in this regard.
- Their behavior is predictable. They will do the same thing they have always done. Each predator has a different vehicle, their own style, their own method. If they’ve been successful in the past, they will continue to do the same thing they have always done if gone unchecked.
- They will do what they can to remain in a place of power by doing favors for others…often for free and even giving gifts/money, so others feel indebted to them and possibly turn a blind eye to their behaviors.
*I will happily add to this list in the future if I think on any other patterns/methods that predators exhibit.
Since kink events and kink websites are often the “hot spots” for predators…let’s talk about how to make them uncomfortable and leave…
How to make a kink environment hostile for predators…
- Communicate effectively, non-emotive, and show as well as request ample evidence.
- Allow a safe space for victims to discuss concerns without blame or judgement and FREQUENTLY remind people they can freely talk about anything without repercussions.
- Listen to the victims and ask for evidence…but do so with the intent of helping these victims…do not present a front that you don’t believe them…assure confidentiality and discretion.
- Ask other people who know the predator if they have heard anything about him (generally speaking without divulging information).
- Collect evidence and save everything.
- Confront the predator without emotion and ask for his side. Discuss non confidential evidence and concerns regarding specific incidents of behavior.
- Watch the predator and interactions as well as discuss behaviors with anyone he interacts with.
- It is helpful to have a lawyer friend who understands the law so they can advise accordingly.
- It is also important to have other unbiased people looking at the evidence to gain a perspective outside of your own.
- Be certain to disclose in advance predatory/abusive behavior warrants removal from an event/website. Be thorough in what constitutes removal and add a clause saying any activity deemed as potentially abusive will be considered as well.
- Any man who IS NOT a predator and rational will want to help aid the community in having a safe space for women. They will not be offended. They will cooperate without argument and offer to help.
- Seek to resolve first. If the predator is not removed right away, ensure the victim that you are watching the predator. Any subsequent complaints will warrant your swift actions in outing/removing said predator.
- Remember, the predator will not stop. However, the predator will rely on silence. The predator will continue the behavior and eventually get caught.
- BE DILIGENT AND CONSISTENT WITH EVERYONE!
- Accept evidence as it is…EVEN if he is your friend.
The key overall? Communication…effective, non-emotive, evidence based communication. BE CLEAR in what is NOT ok…and what IS abusive. Reminding the community from time to time is key in encouraging a safe space for people to explore.
Lastly, for women who suspect they are involved with a predator…
- Talk to others who know the man…listen to EVERY story. I do mean EVERY STORY.
- Show texts and interactions with others outside of the situation. They will point out behaviors that you are overlooking…potentially gas lighting like behaviors you may not notice.
- Ask people in the community what the safe/sane/consensual means. Discuss your or hypothetical stories with people you know and trust within the community.
- Talk to his previous partners…and LISTEN.
- Find leaders who are well respected in the community (just ask around and others will direct you)…ask them their thoughts on your play.
- RED FLAG: If your man does not want you to talk to others about him and/or demonizes/blames everyone he has ever been with…this is a problem.
- If you want to leave him, strengthen your support network and do not be afraid to ask for help as well as advice.
Predators are not going to go away…not fully. The key is to communicate and be clear as to what behavior is not acceptable. Accept evidence as it is and watch for patterns. Their methods usually do not change and they will do the same thing as it has worked for them in the past…at the time they change their methods, eventually they will be predictable once again.
Thank you for reading.