Boy 3 and His Wife…An Update…

This morning I woke and checked one of my online sites to find a message from Boy 3’s wife. She had made a dummy account on this site for the sole purpose of looking at my pictures, reading my activity, reading my blogs, and messaging me.

This week Boy 3 broke off his relationship with me. He apparently had broken rules with his wife in regards to their poly relationship. My previous post discusses the rise and fall of the relationship involving him.

A few things to consider:

1. I have never met his wife nor have I ever spoken with her (until it ended). I asked once and she refused.

2. I only knew what Boy 3 told me.

3. I have no control over the poly rules of his relationship with his wife…I have never considered it to be my responsibility to make certain that he follows them.

4. I am sad for the both of them.

The message I received was incredibly long to the point that I had to take breaks from reading it. There were no paragraphs. It was a long, solid group of sentences all relaying the history of their relationship and what she felt in regards to me.

Here is what I have learned from her message…

She starts by saying they have been together for 8 years. Apparently Boy 3 cheated on her prior to them getting married and she did not find out until after the wedding. They separated then got back together. She suggested polyamory as a way to prevent lying and to stay together.

* Polyamory does not fix trust issues…

They start seeing other people. He finds someone he sees regularly…She finds someone as well…then he finds me on a dating site…

He tells her he is interested in seeing me as a “poly friend”…That is how our relationship was approached. He had said he felt he was too young for me…

Come to find out we had chemistry on our first date and enjoyed each other’s company. He told his wife he wanted to pursue things with me. She had a problem with this because she thought we were only going to be “friends”. She thought he had lied about his intentions with me.

She also had a problem with him seeing more than one person. He told me he was seeing someone else on occasion. I didn’t have a problem with it and felt it was none of my business…it was none of my business. Regardless, he broke it off with the other girl.

His wife was not comfortable with him seeing me (even after the first date) and told him he was not allowed to have sex with me until she was comfortable with him seeing me. We had unplanned sex on the second date. He was out late and missed a call from her. He went home and she told him that she wanted him to break it off with me immediately due to him missing the call and unplanned sex. He became upset and she said she would allow him to see me because he had started to care for me.

I asked if I could speak with her to help alleviate concerns or clarify things. He went to her with this and she said no. She said that she did not want to meet me or speak with me. I mentioned to him that I wish she would speak with me. He did not ask her again because she seemed so adamant not to discuss anything with me. She said in her message, had she known I really wanted to speak with her, she would have. I really wanted to speak with her, but why would I press the issue? I was not going to make his wife talk to me and I did not want to make waves or cause drama.

He and I had communicated daily…and continued to progress.

While on another date, he missed another phone call of hers. We were in a loud bar and it was hard to hear. Given that was an issue last time, I became concerned. He immediately called her back when he noticed the missed call and we ended our date. That evening she again mentioned that she wanted him to break it off with me. The whole thing was accidental. He never intentionally missed her calls…ever. She said this was 3 strikes and she wanted the relationship with me to end.

Again…I have never met this woman. And she would not speak with me.

She found out that I knew of her insecurities in regards to me. I never asked Boy 3 to tell me of his relationship woes. I also said that it was none of my business what was going on between him and his wife. However, it seemed she was constantly trying to thwart us from seeing one another and some of this gave me some insight as to the situation. This was another rule that was broken.

Boy 3 had told me about his wife wanting him to see another girl that she had been talking with on a polyamory board. She was in a triad and Boy 3’s wife was going to start seeing the husband. She confirmed this in her message saying that she was trying to get him to see her. He was not interested in her. She wanted him to be interested in her because she had developed a friendship with this new girl. Boy 3 was happy with me and did not want to add on more partners. It seemed she was trying to control who he was allowed to see. It was like she was arranging his relationships based on who was approved.

Boy 3 has told me once or twice that he loves me. I had not yet reached that level of care as of yet and had been a bit guarded due to my instincts kicking in…I did, however, care for him quite a bit. I know he was quite happy with me. He had not told his wife that he started to love me. This was another rule he had broken.

In her message, she goes on to tell me about a lie he told me in regards to a “fight” they had in seeing me when her brother was in town. I have no idea what to believe when it comes to either of these people.

She goes on to tell me that she decided to read my text messages to him in his phone and that is how she found out that we were involved in BDSM play. This was another rule that was broken. He was not allowed to play publicly or privately in BDSM with anyone but his wife.

Apparently there was a very long list of rules that she goes into detail over and he had broken quite a few of them with me.

* I am ethical. Had she spoken with me when I asked..I would have learned about the rules…I at least would have followed them…hence he would have as well.

Seeing as he could not follow any rules, she told him strongly that she wanted him to end things with me…but she would not force him. However, she pressed the issue that she wanted him to end things with me…hence forcing him to make that decision. They are deciding to be monogamous and seek counseling. She is now pregnant with their first child. Their marriage is very much in danger at this point…I feel sad for them.

Boy 3 deleted his social media profiles, unfriended me on various sites…His wife told me he did this because she wanted to eliminate the temptation of seeing me again. He knows where I live. He has my phone number. He knows where I work. If he wanted to see me, he would find a way. Deleting profiles on the internet does not change that.

My final analysis:

Boy 3’s wife has been against my relationship with Boy 3 from the start. I do not condone his lying to either me or her, however, I can see where the lies came from…Every time he messed up and confessed his mistakes, she became angry and wanted him to end it with me. She mentioned that she needed open communication. When he was open and took responsibility for things, she would express anger and contempt for his relationship with me. He began to hide things from her because he wanted to progress with me. He seemed afraid to be honest with her when he did make a mistake for fear of losing me. In the end he lost me anyway due to his lying to her.

She is desperate to fix her marriage. She is trying to control the entire situation. She is desperate to hold onto a man who seems to love her but can not adhere to rules of monogamy or the long list of rules dictated for their poly relationship. Poly relationships need to have both people willing to adhere to rules that THEY BOTH can live with…not just one person. The rules can change as people, dynamics and relationships change. Poly people need TRULY OPEN communication without punishment for honesty. People are going to make mistakes, but making ultimatums does not solve any issues when a mistake is made. The root of why the mistake happened needs to be examined. Punishment for mistakes as in a “3 strikes” scenario is counterproductive for many. Sometimes these strikes are accidental. And when feelings are involved, people are going to try to protect what/who they care for…including their own heart…this can lead to things being hidden.

I do not agree with the way Boy 3 handled this situation. He lied not just to me but to his wife. I do not trust him. I do not trust his wife…I have not met her (by her request), spoke to her once (when he broke it off with me), received an incredibly long message from her (on a dummy profile she made to check my activity and pics), and she has made it plain she did not want him to see me from the start.

I am not comfortable with any of this. I care for Boy 3. I do, very deeply. I will not be involved with him again so long as he is in this situation. Even then, I’d be exceedingly cautious and he would have a lot to answer for…it would not likely happen.

I hope they work out their issues…I wish the best for them both…

One final note…

Polyamory does not fix relationship problems. If there is no trust, polyamory does not work. Polyamory will add many dynamics to all of your relationships. If you can’t handle your monogamous one, being poly will only add to your issues.

Thank You For Reading,

Melliscious xx

 

Addendum: She “allowed” him to continue to see me even when said rules were broken due to his affection for me. Relationships are different for each couple…however…if there are rules in place…they need to be adhered to or changed…The situation needs to be re evaluated where someone is “allowed” to see another after rules are broken…re evaluate and re negotiate according to the different dynamics you have with different people or truly cut it off and know your hard limits…

4 thoughts on “Boy 3 and His Wife…An Update…

  1. Neecey says:

    As a blogger I hope you take response well. Having read your previous blog about boy 3, I am of the option that a third party opinion is necessary. Please excuse and typos, I am on an iPhone. I’m a friend of the couple in question. And feeling guilty now, considering I received a Cc of the email in question that I told her was a good idea to write. When she told you she was at a friends house, this friend was me. Personally, I think that a lot of what you say is very clearly represented by a woman still upset by a scenario that you didn’t cause. Having told her not to be angry with you I feel the need to let you know that the blatant disrespect shown in the most recent log is uncalled for. Her email was to “clear the air” so to speak and I feel as though you’ve violated that respect by your polite response followed by a complete 360 in a very hostile and inappropriate blog. Being of the maturity level boy 3 discribed of you, I’m personally shocked. But women say things once burned. However, I do believe that your focus being on the wife is an outlet for you. Having seen all these “warning signs” and of being of this lifestyle so actively you feel the ability to blog about the lifestyle; you should understand and respect couples who try this way of life out and have troubles. Boy three is a very nice man, my husband considers him a friend, but what was shown here was disrespect to you and to her via his actions. The actions she’s faced with after discovery is hers as not to be judged by someone who expresses her understanding in what is and is not her buisness. I’m sure that what you felt for 3 is lingering and that you are in a mourning process, but your interpretation is very misconstrued to the actual events and intentions. To live such a freeing lifestyle you should understand letting such things lie. I think it’s the best course of action from here. I feel as though you’ve been considered and respected, if you feel differently (as you’ve posted above) no one can do any more to make you feel better about that.

    • melliscious says:

      I appreciate your comments. With that said…I’ll rebuttal.

      I only know what I have been told. I have kept identities private. I have never shown disrespect. I didn’t ask for any of this. The wife was not privy to any of my conversations with Boy 3. I have his story and I have hers…both from their own mouths/emails.

      My blog is not meant to be hostile. There is nothing hostile about it. It states the truth. It states what happened. It states what I have been told and what I have taken from this experience…

      Boy 3’s wife created a dummy account to look over my pictures, investigate my actions (not her husbands) read my blog, and email me her thoughts.

      This is not appropriate behavior. The long message came off as obsessive. I stopped ALL communication. She is now angry with me? I have done nothing wrong.

      I asked to speak with her from the beginning…she said “No.” She made the decision to not engage with me in any discussion of expectations regardless of my request.

      She chose now to try to “clear the air”. Why? I will never see either one of them again. This has been made plain to me.

      There has been nothing respectful that I can see from his wife in regards to me. She said many times that she wanted him to end it with me. Yet, she would never even have a conversation with me.

      I have never met this woman…will probably never meet her…and now my opinion matters?

      I understand that couples who try this way of life do have troubles. However, this was a HUGE amount of unnecessary drama due to a lack of communication on both of their parts…

      Nothing I have posted in this blog is untrue…
      Nothing I have posted in this blog is of ill intent…

      I was disrespected…by Boy 3…
      I was also disrespected by his wife…who wouldn’t bother to talk to me until now when everything has gone horribly wrong…all due to their issues…not mine…

      There are no lies there…

      Truly, I am not angry. I am over it and better off without this drama…

      Honestly, I didn’t ask any of them to make me feel better. If my blog of actual events as they happened…and the words that I was told…and my perspective angers them…There is nothing I can do about that.

      I don’t judge them. I never have. As I said, I wish them the best. My blog is meant to help me reflect on the experiences that I have and to help educate others in potential issues related to the poly lifestyle…

      There was never any disrespect or immaturity on my part…I only know what I have been told…by the both of them…and my opinions are my own and she should not feel defined by them…

      I do wish them the best…always have.

  2. Neecey says:

    No one feels defined by your opinions, but they are very opposite in comparison to what i was told and witnessed. When i was told about ya’lls relationship, she was gushing to me about ya’lls relationship; as was he. There was no jealousy or petulance on her part. Which on a side note, clearly still just my opinion, it’s rude to account something you were told by a sexual partner about their spouse on the interweb. But that’s my own standings.
    When she discovered “3”‘s inability to just be open and honest, however upset she may have been, her anger was justified. So i can stop saying “in my opinion” just take this like its from me only, i do not wish to speak for them. Just bring some clarity to the situation.
    Your misunderstanding of the situation only sits so uneasy with me personally because i was there for most if not all of it. I read the emails and picked her up from work when she discovered everything. I’ve spoken to “3” and everything seems very clear, other than your take from the whole matter.
    1) Yes, you were brought into a situation you did not intend to be. Your blogs speaks as though you were “concerned” and “saw it coming”, my confusion was why you were so shocked? And if she is deemed obsessive over one email on a site i asked her to join (to look at my information and some of the forums) then what is several blog posts and a readers feel of hostility not read in any previous bloggings….(i dont think bloggings is a word, go with it).
    2) As being married yourself i’m sure you and your husband have a core issue, i’ve never met a couple that didn’t. Betrayal alined with that core issue brings things out in women, your lack of compassion is a little disarming.
    3) This was not my attempt to be personally rude, honestly i started reading your previous blogs (superheros,etc) and felt like from what “3” had told me about you, your take away was wrong and that you’d be very open to the communication of the actual misunderstanding.

    • melliscious says:

      Again, I appreciate your compassion for the couple and your comments…

      Again…
      I only know what I have been told and what I actually experienced. You witnessed nothing in regards to what transpired with me and Boy 3. You and I witnessed nothing in regards to what actually happened with Boy 3 and his wife…

      You only know what the wife has told you. I don’t know what the wife has told you…I don’t know what Boy 3 has told you.

      They stopped all communication with me.

      She would never communicate with me…even though I requested it.

      My blog is a chronicle of my life. I have listed what happened and it should not matter what my perspective is.

      It is not rude to post something that I have been told by Boy 3 (and confirmed by his wife in her message) when all names and identities are strictly anonymous and thoroughly protected.

      I am not making light of Boy 3’s lies. I do not condone his behavior and say so in my blog. I do understand it. But understanding WHY something is happening is NOT the same as condoning it. He was dead wrong to lie and she was justified in her anger.

      I saw warning signs…I had no idea what was actually going on. I was shocked at Boy 3’s behavior in regards to the lies he told his wife. His one lie to me was about our play. However, after getting full information from the both of them, I thoroughly understand what happened. I ALWAYS give people the benefit of the doubt until I find out otherwise. Perhaps I should not have here…

      In my marriage, we do not have a history of lies and betrayal. We have been married almost 14 years. Only been poly for a little over 2. We read books and investigated the lifestyle and talked about it for 6-9 months before we actively sought out partners. We educated ourselves. We did not just jump right in. We have our issues, yes…but WE NEVER get others involved if there are ANY major issues…Fortunately for us, there are none…

      This situation with Boy 3 and his wife is an unfortunate one. I know you are a dear friend to the wife. She certainly needs the support.

      Yes, this is all upsetting for everyone. It is an awful situation and my heart hurts for the both of them.

      My blog…
      It is a chronicle of my poly experience. It was not meant to be directed to Boy 3 or his wife. I did not write it for them. Nor did I send any links to them intending for them to read it. As I said before, I write my experiences to reflect on them and educate others.

      I did not ask her to read my blog…nor did I wave it in their faces giving them a link. She sought me out. She looked through my profile, she looked through my pics, she read my activity, and read my blog. She messaged me giving me information I did not ask for.

      They could always choose to NOT read my blog. Wife sent me a direct message, combed my profile, and admitted to doing just that.

      You don’t know me. I’ve never met you. I have no idea who you are. Yet, you are going to tell me what actually happened in a situation that directly involved me? A situation where I was an active participant…

      I don’t know Boy 3’s wife…she never gave me the chance to speak with her whenever she started to see issues or at all from the beginning…she said NO…

      I only know what she has done, what Boy 3 has done and what they have said to me.

      My perspective will only be drawn on that…their words, their actions, and my experiences…nothing more…

      I was completely cut from the situation left with nothing. And I have moved on…I suggest everyone else follow suit…

      Finally…
      Yes, I do take this as a bit of a personal attack to me.

      With that said…

      I’ll kindly ask you to stop telling me how I lack compassion, that I am hostile in my words, that I am a “scorned woman”, that I am rude, immature, insinuating that I am obsessive, and judgmental.

      My words are not meant to be hurtful or offensive. This is what happened to me. Any analysis I have is due to conversations, actions, and emails. It is solely my perspective. And truly…my perspective should not matter to either one of them…

      Let’s face it…Boy 3 wasn’t honest with me. His wife had no interest in ever talking to me. I get tossed aside…I blog my thoughts, then I get contacted by his wife (who cares what I think now.) Then I further blog about it to gain clarity and closure…and I get contacted by you.

      I will not discuss this further with anyone…I’ve moved on and all this does is hash out things that do not matter anymore…

      It is time all of you let it go…

      Please tell them that I wish them the best and I truly hope things work out for them.

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