My Boy 3…

Boy 3 came into my life via a dating site. He was a bit younger than me and I tend to shy away from the younger ones. He said he was polyamorous and in a committed relationship with his wife. They had been together for 5-6 years. He seemed intelligent and was very gentlemanly. His level of maturity impressed me. He was unlike most men his age and we had quite a bit in common…

Our first date was a fun night of dinner, pool, and geeky conversations about superheroes and films. It was a lovely evening…he danced with me a bit in the parking lot and kissed me goodnight…Second date was a drink at a bar and sweaty van sex…

This is where warning sign #1 appeared. His wife was upset that he did not answer a message right away. We were caught up in the moment and engaged in sexual matters and she was upset that he did not text her back immediately. He called her and I could hear her very upset about being out a bit late and not responding to all of her messages. I understand that messages from spouses need to be answered as soon as possible, but this seemed a bit extreme.

I too am married. When I am seeing someone new, I am constantly reassuring my husband that he comes first in my life. I know the importance of responding to text messages, but my husband knows where I am at all times and trusts me implicitly…there seemed to be trust issues with Boy 3 and his wife.

I ignored this warning sign because it is terribly hard to find a compatible poly person for me…

We continued to see each other and progress…From time to time Boy 3 would tell me how jealous his wife was of my job, my looks, and my life. She had NOTHING to be worried about in regards to me. I had no interest of stealing her husband from her. I had one of my own. Boy 3 was constantly reassuring his wife. Warning sign #2

He would make plans with me then would have to cancel due to his wife needing additional attention at times. I understood but was getting a bit annoyed. They would take Sundays as their “date day” and I knew to never expect to see him those days or to make plans. He would then call me occasionally on a Sunday telling me that his wife decided to go see her boy and left him alone…If he had made plans with me, she would have been upset. Warning sign #3.

I asked several times to speak to his wife to help reassure her…she would not have any of it. She would not talk to me. She wanted nothing to do with me. Warning sign #4.

At the end, when I FINALLY got to talk to her because she forbid us from seeing one another, she said, “Had I known you REALLY wanted to talk to me, I would have talked to you.” Of course I REALLY wanted to talk with her. I would not waste my time otherwise…

After I ignored all of the warning signs, we progressed for 5 months. He would tell me that he loved me. I had not gotten to the point of love as of yet, but I cared for him a great deal. I have been quite guarded as of late due to me caring about people that I should not…I did deeply care for him and utterly adored him.

He became interested in BDSM. He knew I played with others and wanted to play with me. I asked him if his wife was OK with us playing at our local club and he said, “Yes.” This, come to find out, was a lie…

I asked someone close to me that tops me often to show him the ropes on how to effectively top me (be a dominant). It was exceedingly difficult to dominate/top me due to my personality and nature. I was so excited about finding someone with whom I was very sexual that was capable of  topping me. He showed him the ropes…he was a solid, attentive, budding top…

He would give me a solid power exchange through flogging, paddling, spanking, biting, pulling my hair, putting his hand on my throat…Boy 3 was a natural and could read me. I knew he would only learn more and progress well in this lifestyle. It also translated well into our sexual experiences. We were planning more intense play.

One evening, Boy 3 tells me the good news that his wife is pregnant. With the history of his wife being jealous about me, I started to feel some concern. She wanted to continue to see her boys and was reassured by them that they would still be interested in her regardless of her delicate state. However, my guard was going up…I thought she might want him not to see others…I was his only other girl. He barely had time for me. Warning sign #5.

One Sunday, he was not answering my texts. I became worried. He had cancelled a few of our dates due to his mom being ill and his wife getting in a car accident. I knew his wife was ok from the car accident but became concerned that something happened to his mother. I worried a large portion of the day and evening..

He did not contact me until Monday morning…

At work I took a scheduled break and we would have a morning chat. He told me that Monday morning that he and his wife needed some time together to work through some things. I understood. I told him that pregnancy hormones can be overwhelming the first few months and to give it time. She would eventually adapt to the fluctuations and it would be ok. He seemed to want to continue our relationship…

Later that afternoon, I get a message from him asking if he could call me. I was available and took his call. He was in tears…

He said that he had lied to me and his wife. They both had made a rule about playing in BDSM with others. They had agreed neither were allowed to play with others in BDSM roles. I do not understand such rules. Why would anyone care if I am paddled/flogged/bitten/etc. before I engage in sexual relations with a lover? I suppose it does not matter given that their rules prevented either from such play. He wanted that with me and his rules forbade him. He betrayed their preset rules…and lied to me about his wife being “OK” with our play at the local club…

He said that he could not see me anymore due to his lie. We had only played at the club twice. This somehow was enough for his wife to forbid him from ever seeing me again. I am not excusing his lie, but she was not lenient at all in the matter. She sat there in the background while he cried on the phone apologizing for causing me pain. He clearly loves me. I asked to speak to her. That’s when she mentioned that had she thought I was really interested in speaking with her, then she would have. She asked if he had played with others, I said “No.” She focused so much on his lie. She said she was mad that he lied to both of us. I offered help for her in the event she needed it. She seemed gracious but I am certain it was a facade.

I would have been fine only being vanilla (no BDSM) with him but clearly this was not acceptable to her. She always had issues with me and this seemed to be the way to get rid of me…I have never met this woman…she would never meet me…

I receive a text later from Boy 3 asking me to remove pics from social sites involving our play. He was not in the pictures, but he wanted them deleted regardless of the fact the pics were only of my body. He said he was getting help for his lying problem. I felt they both clearly needed help but refrained from saying so.

The next day, he unfriended me on Facebook and deleted all of his twitter accounts.

I was completely erased from his existence…our 5 months together seemed to have meant nothing. This hurt more than anything else…I was leaving this relationship with nothing…not even a friend.

The last text I sent stated how it felt to be erased from his existence and that I would not contact him again…I cried over this for 5 days…

I cared for Boy 3…very much so…but…I should have paid attention to the warning signs. He and his wife clearly have issues and I was drug into them. She still gets to see him. I have nothing from this…except experience…and fond memories of things that once were and will never be again…

Being polyamorous can be utterly heartbreaking. Honesty and communication is key. I need to acknowledge the warning signs and recognize issues as they arise. I took a risk and it shattered me. Do I take the risk again? I was happy with Boy 3. I will hold onto that.

Thanks For Reading,

Melliscious xx

Addendum: In regards to the pregnancy hormones…I am not blaming them for anything. I feel they do tend to enhance some insecurities which may or may not be related to Boy 3’s behavior. I do not condone his lying but I do feel that there are problems on both sides.

I will also add that they are now claiming to be monogamous…

I am sure there are plenty of issues here. I only know what Boy 3 told me. Likely some things were lies…I will update as I find out new information…I am still hurting and will likely have a clearer head as things progress…

2 thoughts on “My Boy 3…

  1. jemima101 says:

    I would consider one thing, you are still excusing boy3’s behavior and blaming his wife. Re the BDSM thing, I could never, and would never engage in BDSM with anyone other than the Domly one, it is not an uncommon rule. I am his, the bond is such that transcends sex. That he lied, broke this rule and betrayed her is in my mind unforgivable. Poly only works if people are honest.
    Which brings me to this..

    “At the end, when I FINALLY got to talk to her because she forbid us from seeing one another, she said, “Had I known you REALLY wanted to talk to me, I would have talked to you.””

    You know boy3 will lie, now as an outsider here is an interpretation u dont seem to have considered. She didnt know u wanted to talk to her. You say she had problems with u, but this all comes from boy3, This statement of hers, to me, reads like someone who has been told that u dont want to talk to her. I may be missing info, but you say this was your first communication.

    Now in my experience poly as opposed to open relationships only work where new partners meet and like the life partner. Its not the same in swinging, i can go and fuck ppl, as can mr jem, when i go away for a longer time tho, a weekend of fun for example, he meets the ppl involved. I think it is a good basic rule.

    Lastly her preganacy. Pregnancy does change things, you mention hormones almost dismissively. It is common to feel attractiveness and unsexy. Boy3 would need to be giving her lot of extra reassurance at this time, to be honest he does not seem ready for fatherhood, but then who is?

    I hope this does not come across as over critical, but i think many of the warning signs were about boy3 not his wife, another example, the van thing. If i tell mr jem when i am due home he will worry if i am not home then, and vice versa. It sounds like the van sex was unplanned, and she was simply concerned about where he was and what he was doing. Now who is at fault here, her for having perfectly normal worries or him for staying out past the expected time?

    I hope you can move on, and remember the good people outnumber the bad.

    love and blessings jem xxx

    • melliscious says:

      You bring up fair points. I only know what he has told me. He gave me a background involving her bad relationship with her mother and her insecurities. He is wrong for lying. He is wrong for betraying his wife. I agree with this. He should have never lied to me or her. I suppose I am still working through things…and trying to understand. I have been through the whole pregnancy thing…I do understand the hormones involved and I am not blaming them for her behavior. They do seem to exacerbate things. They both are now trying to be monogamous…I need to add this to my blog. All of a sudden they are giving up a poly relationship…

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