How I started…And how things with a very close friend fell apart…

I have been married 13 years. For nearly 2 of those years, we have been “open”. Essentially, we are “poly” aka polyamourous. Since year 2 of our marriage, I wanted to branch out into other relationships. My husband did not want this for our marriage, so we remained monogamous for 11 years. I never cheated on him. He has never cheated on me. Our marriage was fine. No major issues. We weren’t as happy though as we are now.

How and why did we become poly?

I was approached by a man on Twitter with whom I chatted with daily. Over several months, we began to open up to one another. We shared thoughts, dreams, flirted, and started to become close. We Skyped often and had lovely chats. He told me of his poly marriage. I became intrigued. I told him of how I was becoming interested in other men…him included…heh. He directed me to a book called “Opening Up”. Quite a good book, actually. It discussed several different relationships of real people living an open lifestyle. I took it to my husband. Given our long history of trust and strength in our relationship, he agreed to give it a try.

The man on Twitter had become a close friend to me. He continued to offer advice, flirt, show concern, and check on me when I was struggling. I adored him. He’d even ask for pics of me when I’d mention wearing something new to the local BDSM club…Another aspect of kink that I sought out when having discussions via Skype with him in regards to his adventures. I forwarded him the site for the local club and asked him to check it out to see if he felt it was OK. He seemed knowledgeable and never steered me wrong with his advice. I would have an awful date, tell him about it and he would respond, “Remember Melli, assholes don’t get second chances…” I trusted him implicitly…

After we would have a flirty, fun, and sometimes racy exchange of words on Twitter, he would ask when I was coming to his town. I naturally assumed this meant to visit him. He had developed a collection of pictures, we had suggestive exchanges. He was always there when I needed him. I became interested in him. I knew we were friends. I had no anticipation or expectation of anything more in regards to our friendship. I was sexually interested in him. If there was chemistry there when I visited, I wanted to pursue that avenue. If not, it would be ok. We could still stay friends. He agreed to everything that was said and I had no reason to believe anything otherwise…

Things fell apart…terribly…

The man on Twitter was struggling with his life. Sometimes he would tell me that he was getting overwhelmed. I offered assistance, a smile, a laugh, anything to cheer him. He would usually decline and say he was ok. I worried about him. He still expressed interest in me and once more I had no reason to believe otherwise. I told him of all my intentions and he did not seemed bothered by them but would smile when we’d chat seemingly excited at the thought…We were looking forward to my visit.

The day comes and we meet…We are both all smiles. Hugs, cuddles and being close to one another comes naturally. One moment we embrace…he holds me tight, kisses me, pulls my hair and then tells himself “No…no”. I was puzzled by this. Later we are in a bar having a drink and he wraps his arm around me and grabs my ass a bit. I give him a look as I snuggle into him. He says his hand just naturally gravitates to that area…He even compliments my ass. We had a lovely day. We had spent the entire day together and had a few other nights planned.

I had no clue what was to happen next…

Our next night was a science talk at a Museum. We are both intellectuals and enjoyed such talks. We met before hand for a drink. He seemed shaken. I began to flirt and speak suggestively to him. He started to tremble a bit and quickly down his beer. He said that me sitting close to him was making him nervous. I didn’t understand. We had such a lovely date previously. Adding the fact we had spoken and chatted for a year and a half at that point. Chemistry was clearly there and he was more than willing to make passes. He then says that he can not sleep with me “because things happen when I sleep with people”. To this day I have no clue what that means. He would not discuss the issue. He kept asking me not to press the matter. He did not want me to ask questions…

Well, being the kind of girl I am…

I was not satisfied with the “because I said so” answer. All it did was frustrate and hurt me because he was refusing to be honest with me.I was not about to let this go…nor should I have…

Our next night involved me cooking dinner for him and his wife. We later went to a BDSM event at a club that was primarily a “meet and greet” involving music and booze. He actually danced with me a bit, kissed me a few times and bought us drinks. I am actually a dancer and had a wonderful time on the dance floor. I received ample attention from others. One moment I was suggestively dancing on a bench near a column. I saw my friend staring at me. He would slowly drink his beer and was clearly enjoying what he was seeing. He later denied that he was perving on me. I am a grown woman. I know when a man looks at me with such eyes. Fool I am not…Another man walked by me, paused and lightly touched me suggestively. He wasn’t groping me or touching me inappropriately. He was just admiring me. After he left, my friend immediately came close to me and in an angry voice exclaimed that said guy was a “man whore”. I was shocked that he would say such a thing given that we were not going to be intimate. WHY did he care? He did not want me but had issues with others who did? Or did he want to approve of the people of whom I was interested? He told me that he felt the need to be responsible for me. I asked him not to feel that way. He had taken it upon himself to be responsible. I also said that I wanted a real kiss from him. He said he would give me one next time.

Next date we met for a drink prior to an art show. He kissed me passionately. It was lovely. He seemed to enjoy it. I then express that I am dealing with things accordingly and to not worry about me. I then try to get him to answer a few more questions in regards to why he is incapable of casual sex. Chemistry was there. He seemed to enjoy my company. I wanted some answers. He again says that we would not be making out anymore and that we would not have sex. He said he did not want more responsibility. I did not understand this. How would sleeping with me add more responsibility? I lived far away and was not looking for more than what we had. He also asked me to stop pressing the issue. I was fine not having sex but I wanted to know why and he wouldn’t tell me. He refused to be honest with me and it angered me. I had always been forthright and completely honest about things on my end. Even that night after the art show, he kissed me goodnight.

The next day was a 3 hour text fight of me asking him to explain things to me. I was hurting because he was not being honest with me. I was confused, frustrated and angry. He was supposed to be my friend and I needed to understand what was happening. Basically he spent 3 hours telling me he never really wanted to pursue me sexually (because of issues he never told me regardless of the attraction), he had hoped I’d get over it, he had no intention of ever telling me, and that he never led me on. He refused to take full responsibility for his actions. I was completely blindsided.

I spent some time with other friends while on the trip. I then decided I would not go with him to a concert but spend time with people who wanted to be around me. I texted him saying he would be attending the concert alone. He was upset by this. I did offer to meet him one last time prior to the concert to have a drink and say goodbye. He agreed and said he’d love to see me once more.

The evening comes to meet him for that final drink. I sit clearly perturbed. He giggles and says that I look angry. This infuriates me. I lay into him telling him how angry I am and that I did not appreciate his lack of honesty. I truly believed he was interested in me and he gave me no reason to believe otherwise. I felt he encouraged me many times. I tell him that is the same as being deceitful. He does not agree. I bring up all these examples and he sits in silence as tears start to well up in his eyes. My heart breaks when I see this. Clearly he was not ready for the reality of me. I ask him if I confuse him he says “yes” and tell him to ask questions to relieve this confusion. His only question was “Will you still be my friend?” Then tears roll down his cheeks. I am dumbfounded. I hold him as he cries with his head on my chest. He is broken. He is damaged. He is emotionally immature. I tell him that I will always be his friend and that I care for him. I wanted to be a support to him. We cuddled for a bit and he asked me one more time to go to the concert with him. I declined as I had made plans with others who truly wanted to see me. We parted ways…

After I returned home, things blew up in email and direct messages on Twitter. I forced him to tell me the truth. He did not like this and he was distressed. He still avoided my questions. Denied ever being attracted to me. Said he didn’t care for me like I thought he did but then changed and said that I was very close to him. His emails became seasoned like a politician avoiding questions and responsibility. He said he was in therapy and seemed to use this as an excuse for his behavior. After reading this, I sent him his own words when he direct messaged me from my old email notifications from an account I rarely use. My twitter notifications apparently go there and I didn’t realize just how many messages he had sent until I checked. I thought this would help him see my perspective and piece together what actually happened. There were hundreds and many were incredibly suggestive expressing interest in me. He still denied his words and said that he had no idea anyone would ever take him seriously…this over a span of a year and a half with him knowing for months and months that I was visiting…plus our regular Skype calls…I had no idea what was real over that year and a half…still am struggling with it. Was/Am I truly his friend? Did/Do I mean anything to him?

Things fell apart and we stopped talking…He pushed me away…I blocked him on one of my accounts…for my own sanity…I cried that day. He was a close friend to me. I had let him in, he helped me to change my life and now he was shutting me out.

That was this Summer…I returned in the Fall…

I made plans to return in the fall. We had barely spoken to one another. We had not Skyped. he refused saying he was too busy although he had made time in the past. He did not email. Sometimes he would check on me but that happened less and less. I mentioned to him that I was visiting again to see friends. he said that would be a good time to catch up. Even though he expressed interest in seeing me, it was nearly impossible to get him to commit to dates. He would only see me during lunches. We made 2 lunch dates.

Lunch date one, he greeted me and offered his arm as we went to the restaurant. We had a pleasant discussion. I mentioned he never returned my email from months earlier although he had promised. He said that he didn’t know what more he could say. He never answered my questions. I told him that I had missed him and I had gotten over things. I mentioned I felt he had not missed me. He looked at me puzzled and asked why I thought that. I said that he never talks to me, never asks me how I am doing, basically never speaking to me as if I am a friend. He says nothing. Later, he looks at me closely with care in his eyes and a sad look that I would describe as longing. I ask him what he is thinking. He says, “It’s interesting how life turns out.” I have no idea what he meant by this. He never told me. We had a lovely chat. He’d put his arm around me as we walked and pull me close. He said how proud he was of me of how well I was doing with my job and life. I had missed him…terribly…He still confuses me. I walked him back to work. He hugged me. …I mentioned I felt he might be pretending to like me. He said I was being silly, that of course he liked me…That he cared and I am his friend. He kissed me on the cheek and went back to work.

Lunch date two I was getting a bit weepy. I wanted to try to work through things and I would not get to see him for more than an hour again. I was also sad that in a few days I was leaving a beautiful city that I loved full of people I cared for. I felt frustrated because he was keeping his distance and avoiding questions. We again have a good chat. At times he is relaxed and seemed to enjoy himself. Other times he became guarded and shut down. I mention that I really wanted to see him again and invited him to a show with free tickets. he had mentioned he might go. Then he said he was busy and could meet for a quick drink. I mention that I am frustrated and wanted to chat a bit more. I mentioned he would always have opportunities to see those locally but I didn’t know when I’d be back. He said he didn’t have time. He made time my first trip. He would not make time this trip. He asked me what I was doing that afternoon. I thought he was inviting me to do something with him. I said I had not planned anything yet. He said he was going to decide for me. He said he was going to walk me to two museums and  I was going to go into them. I didn’t really have an interest in going to any museums that day…especially by myself seeing I was already a bit weepy. We got to the museums. He told me that I was to go inside, get a visitors pass, take pictures and tweet about it. It was regular behavior for him to dictate to me instructions. He had in the past told me that we would not leave a pub unless I finished eating regardless of the fact I had a large lunch. He had said that he did not see my lunch and so I was to eat more. I said I wasn’t going to go to the museums because I did not feel like it. I said I was very sad about leaving. He looked at me with a coffee and snack in his hand and said that he only had coffee and snack to cheer me. I mentioned I would like cuddles or hugs. He said that he couldn’t because he had to go to work. He wouldn’t even hug me…yet felt he could dictate instructions to me. I said I would walk him back to work. We get back to his office. He goes to hug me and I refuse. He then says, “So you’re not going to hug me?”. I then hug him closely…he hugs back and says I have to stop cuddling him. He needs to go to work. He says that he’ll see me the next night for a quick drink and give me a kiss then. We part ways…

I only saw him 5 minutes the next night because communication had failed in regards to text and him getting a new phone. He barely spoke to me but chatted to the other person I was with. He would put his arm around me while speaking with the other and rub my back. He finally looked at me, told me to have a safe trip home, and kissed me on the cheek. We left.

I traveled back home…Since then we have emailed. He still dictates the terms of our friendship. He did not respond to my last email ignoring my questions. He indirectly accused me of causing drama because I asked questions. He said he had no time for a friendship with me and was reluctant to get close again because it went bad last time. I mentioned that all was lovely until he was dishonest.

I have TRIED to be a friend to him and I am still trying. Clearly we have different definitions of the word. I told him to speak to me when he is ready to be real friends that both of us need. I have offered support, affection, friendship, and care. He has said no thanks to everything except a friendship exclusively on his terms. We sometimes chat on twitter, but it is at a very cautious distance. He never initiates conversation with me. I doubt he’d even talk to me if I didn’t start conversations.

It is my belief that he is afraid. He is afraid to hurt me. Afraid to be intimate with me for fear of becoming attached even more or developing strong feelings. Afraid that if he does become attached that he will not be able to see me so often because I live so far away. He seems afraid to lose me outright. Bottom line…he is afraid. It is his fear that drives this. I only know what I am told. This is what I have gathered from our conversations. He will likely never admit this…

I have no clue why he wants me to be in his life…it seems it is only to be on his terms. I feel like an object that has been collected….a trophy of sorts…come to find out I am not the only person that has been through similar incidents with him.

Yet, I still care…He helped me change my life. He showed me so many things and taught me so much. I have met wonderful people because of him. He says he cares and I am his friend…Then I feel tossed aside and treated like I am insignificant. We. Were. VERY CLOSE. He has no idea what this does to a person.

He has been very much an asshole to me…regardless of the fact he is broken and damaged… I should take his advice…one of the first things he ever taught me, “Remember Melli, assholes don’t get second chances.”

And yet…here we are on chance three…I don’t like throwing away something that was once lovely…

I still don’t know anymore…I had hoped blogging this would help me clarify things. I know he will likely read this and will not comment. He will likely ignore it. He does not like confrontation. He does not handle it well and lacks the ability to communicate properly unless it involves flirting. I speak the truth and pushed every button he had when I was with him. I still do…not because I am angry or frustrated with him…and at times I am…especially with his dodging my questions…But he needs real people telling him the truth of his actions and how he affects others.

It is the unpleasant things that make us grow. A peach tree can be chopped down to almost nothing and will grow back even stronger the next season. It will reinforce it’s vascular system, it’s bark will become firmer and tougher..and it will bear more fruit…

I have grown and learned from this…I am poly and into a kink scene because he ushered me into this lifestyle…and I thank him for that. However, I have no idea what the next step is or where things with him will end up…there are too many questions that only he has the answers…

I will return…I suppose we will see how things go…

Thank you for reading my first post,

Melliscious xx

3 thoughts on “How I started…And how things with a very close friend fell apart…

  1. […] for nearly 4 years. My first blog post discusses how we came to be poly…It can be found here. I will avoid redundancy…So…In this post, I will focus on what it is/what it is […]

  2. Who calls themselves a friend and does that?!?! The strong bond that you clearly felt would have been perfect to help him through whatever issue he was going through that caused his behaviour.

    The unresolved nature of things must be driving you nuts. Its driving me crazy, I’m yelling at my phone lol.

    On a different level, you have a tremendous gift for writing xxx.

    • melliscious says:

      Thank you so much for your comment. It was a trying time. I have moved on as I will not get closure from him. We are talking now…but will not likely be as close as we were.

      And thank you! I am glad you are enjoying my writing.

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