J and the River

Younger boys are quite appealing. They have stamina, endurance, and bend in interesting ways. Many are terribly immature. Fortunately I am currently dating a younger boy who is far more mature than the rest…but that is another story. This story is about J. He approached me on an online dating site sending me a well thought out and polite message. I thought he was attractive but nearly dismissed him due to his age. He was polite and an intellectual. I find intelligence sexy. We text each other for a few days and seemed to hit it off well. We schedule a date.

I meet him at a local bar and burger joint. I am not much of a burger person but indulge in one of their salads and have a rum and diet coke. He dives into his burger and beer. He has striking blue eyes, is a bit skinny, but later I find out he is quite strong. Turns out our birthdays are the same. We finish dinner, continue our conversation, and decide to head out to the river and watch the boats sail by.

It is a bit chilly outside. It is early October and the night is a bit cool. We snuggle into each other. He kisses me and we move in a bit closer. His hands start roaming. I am very attracted to him and allow him to proceed up my skirt. At this point, I had NEVER had sex on a first date. Things continue to progress and get rather hot…

He lays down his coat and I lie on top of it. He lies on top of me…whispers in my ear and says, “I wanna take you here.” this excited me and he removes my panties. We have sex in at least 3 positions on the side of the river lying on cobblestones. The dry grass that had now become straw breached the stones on which we coupled. The sex was intense and quite enjoyable. I knew if we were caught we were likely to be arrested. We were not far from one of the local police stations.

After we finished…

I quickly put myself back in order. He held and kissed me softly. We went to a local 24 hour diner and had a bit of breakfast. It was approximately 2 am and a weeknight at that. He went back over our evening and laughed as we slowly pulled pieces straw out of my hair. He then informed me that we entertained 2 homeless men and a couple of late night joggers gave him a “thumbs up” at one point. I was quite embarrassed by all of that. I had never had sex on a first date! I have had sex in public areas prior to that moment, but it was always a bit more discreet and without an audience!

We had good chemistry. It was fun while it lasted but he had poly relationship issues with his girlfriend and things could not progress with us. He later contacted me again saying things were different. They weren’t. He said he wanted me to be a submissive to him. We started to make plans. Come to find out, he is not poly. He is strictly casual sex which would have been fine with me had he not presented himself as otherwise. He was not honest. We do not talk now. He handled things in an immature manner. His lack of life experience was showing. I hated the way things ended, but he is using BDSM as a way to get laid…to convince girls he is an experienced Dominant when he has no clue as to what he is doing…

Bad ending…but that does not negate the fun nights we did share. We had lovely moments. I will always remember my night with J and the river…I was pulling straw out of my hair for days…and would smile…

Thank you for Reading,

Melliscious xx

Awkward Number 1

When my husband and I made the decision to be “open”, I started to set up profiles on various dating sites. One was more adult driven and it was not uncommon for me to log onto my account and have 100 emails from penis pictures. It would literally be a forest of erect penises in avatar pics. It became quite stressful after a while. I was being hounded by an army of dicks telling me all the ways that they could make me orgasm. Sometimes I would make funny voices for these talking penises and amuse myself. I gave many of them cartoon voices according to the tone of the message and the pic itself….But I digress…

I am approached on this site by a man with an actual face picture and a polite message of interest…

It was easy to spot the non penis pic guys because there were so few of them and honestly…a dick pic is a dick pic and they all blend together after a while. I read his profile. He was a handsome Navy fitness trainer. He lived nearby. He had a little girl and seemed to have a solid head on his shoulders. We chatted a bit, exchanged numbers, texted and made a date to meet.

We met at a Sushi bar and had a lovely chat. He was handsome with gorgeous green eyes and quite fit. He walks me to my car and kisses me bye…twice. He was very gentlemanly and sweet. This was my second date, but first real possibility for a sexual encounter as a newly poly girl. The first guy was uncomfortable with the poly lifestyle. This new guy was not bothered by it. We make plans for an evening at his place for dinner, movie, video games.

The day comes when I go to visit his place…and with the lovely timing of nature…I get my period. I decide not to outright tell him this because there really is no nice way of saying, “Hey! Guess what? We are gonna have a GREAT time tonight ESPECIALLY if you are into bleeding vaginas!” I decide to go on with the evening to see how things unfold…

I carry on with making dinner, having wine and conversation. We play ROCK BAND on his Xbox and then watch a film. He starts kissing me and things begin to get heated. I then tell him at this point that I have actually started my period…

His response? “I don’t care, I will put down a towel if I have to.” It never really bothers me to have sex while I am menstruating. I actually find it soothing on cramps. I thought it might be awkward for a first time sexual experience for us as a couple. Nevertheless, I agree and we go to his bedroom.

I excuse myself to his bathroom and “handle things” before we get to going at it…He is naked and waiting for me in his bed. I tell him that I practice safe sex and use condoms. He is not used to using condoms but I insist. We continue foreplay some more with me on a towel…yes he laid out a towel…then he goes to put on the condom…

The condom is too big…

It wasn’t a triple x massive cock type of condom. It was a standard size Trojan condom. I was embarrassed for him. I was impressed by his persistence in trying to have sex with me with a condom that fit like a plastic shopping bag on a bunch of carrots. It kept slipping off and he kept saying he was not used to condoms. I could see why given that the standard size did not fit him. He probably had a hard time finding condoms that fit.

I could barely feel him inside of me. There was not much hope of gaining an internal orgasm but maybe his pounding into me might do something? He pulled my hair at one time and started talking dirty which was an admirable effort but all in all…I had a tiny orgasm earlier in the foreplay, and he did not get there at all.

We stopped and went to the kitchen for a snack on the leftovers…

We watched a little more of the film. I got dressed then went home. We texted each other a little bit after that then he fell off of the planet. Probably was for the best. The whole evening was a giant mess of awkward. We would not be able to give one another what we needed.

I will say that I have never been with a man that was too small to fit a standard sized condom. I am betting the horror of that moment probably killed the evening for him. And I felt horrified for him.

THAT was my first sexual encounter as a newly poly girl. Happy that I was wise enough to realize that there was more on the horizon and I just had to keep looking…

And another interesting addition to my collection of life’s stories…

Thank you for Reading,

Melliscious xx

The Accidental 3 Way from Hell…

As I journey into finding regular people to fill my life in this lifestyle, I utilize online dating sites to aid me in finding like minded individuals. I am not only looking for men but I am also curious about exploring sexual encounters with women. I was approached on an online dating site by a woman who was interested in chatting with me over drinks sometime. I am pretty new to dating women so I thought it would be fun to meet for a drink and see what transpires. After making plans twice and her having to cancel twice we finally settle on a workable night.

I arrive at the bar…She is late…

She texts me telling me that she is running behind due to her needing to put her daughter to bed. She has a boyfriend who periodically stays with her and she maintains that they are “open” in their relationship. She is bisexual and wants to continue to be involved with women but only needs her boyfriend to satiate her for her needs involving men. She finally arrives and is more than pleased with me. She has a difficult time keeping her hands off of mine. She is constantly stroking my arm and starts to play with my hair.

She says, “I’m sorry, but you are just GORGEOUS! I can’t seem to keep my hands off of you! I hope this doesn’t bother you too much.”

I meekly reply, “Thank you…Um, no…It’s ok, I guess.” I am a bit weirded out by this woman but she is cute and her enthusiasm was fun and interesting. Again, I am a total noob at this dating girls thing and had no idea what to expect.

We have drinks and a light snack. She tells me what she does for a living.  She does hair, makeup,  massage, and nails. She discusses how she would love to doll me up one night. Me, being the incredibly girly girl that I am, gets excited at the thought of having a makeover. I’m starting to think that this dating girls thing is going to be really cool! She was cute, seemed to totally dig me, and things were going well.

She then mentions that we could go back to her place and could hang out for a while. Her boyfriend is at the house and he would probably like to meet me. I give her a look. She says that there is no pressure and she just thought it would be nice to have a good chat. She also mentions that I should text her address to my husband so he does not worry. I recognize this as a sensible statement and consider this woman to be level headed and not a crazy. I agree to go back to her house. She pays the check. We head to her place.

Her house is an older home. It is quite lovely. Hardwood floors. Lovely art on the walls. Antique furniture… Her boyfriend is there. He is sitting at the dining room table drinking a beer. She introduces us. He is a Navy engineer and we begin to have a fun discussion in regards to physics. I am a bit of a science nerd and enjoy our conversation. She says she needs to shower but gets me some wine before she leaves the room and gives me a kiss. She tells us to sit a bit closer and to get comfortable. I start to get a tad suspicious…

I continue my science discussion with the engineer and we hit it off well. We have a few chuckles, discuss his designs for a device he is working on, drink a bit more wine…

She returns in a robe that is half open…

I’m thinking, “Ok, then…Well, it is her house and if she wants to parade around naked, that’s cool, I guess…”

She says that I should sit on her boyfriend’s lap and give him a kiss. I politely decline. We have a bit more wine and then she says she wants to show me something.

She takes me by the hand and brings me to her bedroom…

Within what feels like 30 seconds, she strips off my clothes and starts kissing me. I was into her. I wanted to see where things would go. I was rather impressed with her ability to strip me so quickly. This woman clearly had done this before…come to find out later, she had done lesbian porn. This woman was very much shorter than me. She managed to pick me up and toss me onto the bed like I was a ragdoll. We start making out heavily. Then her boyfriend walks into the room and starts to play music. He strips down and they both go down on me.

I start thinking, “Um…Am I having a 3 way? This got weird. But she is cute and the guy is hot. Ok. Um, I kinda wanna see where this goes.”

So they both are giving me oral sex while discussing how sweet I taste and that I must eat a lot of fruit. I don’t actually eat a lot of fruit but that’s beside the point, I suppose. She then lies beside me and starts groping and kissing me while he gives us both oral. Things are getting pretty hot and he is giving us both lots of attention.I’m thinking that this is pretty cool. I’m having fun. They are a bit weird but it’s hot.

Then things go awry…cos then the crazy shows up…(it actually had been showing up all night, I just didn’t pay attention…hind sight and all)

He goes to enter me. Before he enters, she angrily gets up out of the bed and says, “You JUST FAILED! THERE!” and storms out of the room.

I am lying naked on the bed. Her boyfriend has his cock in his hand. I am wondering what the hell just happened…

At that point they proceed to have an argument over him giving me more attention and that he had “tested her” earlier that week. I am still naked in her bedroom trying to piece together the fact that this 3 Way was some oddball, giant “loyalty test” for her boyfriend.

Was I just used? She finds me after I start getting dressed apologizing saying that it wasn’t anything that I had done. I agreed saying that OH NO, I didn’t do A THING wrong! I said that I’d be headed home to let the two of them work it out. She offered to give me some money because she felt bad. I politely declined and was a bit offended that she felt money would be necessary. She hugged and tried to kissed me after I got dressed. I quickly left the house as she said she would text me the next day.

The next day…

She does not text me but her boyfriend does saying that they have broken up and he thought we hit it off well. He wants to pursue things with me. I tell him that I think we all need time to process what happened the previous night. She had told me she had intentions of marrying this guy. I was not interested in jumping into anything with him after the events of the previous night. Also, I was considering the fact that their relationship was a serious one.

He continued to text me for a few days. I finally told him that I was not interested in pursuing anything with him and asked him to stop contacting me. At that point, he did.

Is it possible to have an accidental 3 Way? Yes. Do I recommend it? No. It could be said that this was a bit “rapey” to some extent, but I was a willing participant that never said “no”. I was curious and willing to see where things would go. It is my nature to explore new territories and try new things. I learned a lot that evening. It left me with a helluva story.

I have always liked a good story. The best kinds can be the ones that I am lucky enough to have a starring role…Albeit this one did not end well, but you only live once. I want my life to be an exceptional collection of stories…

You don’t get good stories sitting on the sidelines watching others live their lives…You get off of the stand, take the risks, and join in the game…

Thank you for Reading,

Melliscious xx

The Nutty French Professor…A Night chock full of CRAZY

In my journey of polyamory, I have encountered interesting people. One of the oddest dates I have ever been on involved a French professor. We briefly met once for a drink. He called me a few weeks later and asked me to meet him a a local bar. We had a lovely chat the last time so I agreed.

Our next date:

We met at the bar. I had a rum and coke and he had a beer. We chatted for a bit. He mentioned going back to his place to watch a movie and chat because the atmosphere there was loud. I gave him a concerned look. His response? “Don’t worry, I am not going to try to sleep with you.” I tell him that I am required to text my husband the address that I am at whenever I go out for safety purposes. He complies and gives me his information. I follow him in my car and we go back to his place…

He offers to make me a coffee.He brings the French press to the living room and makes it for me there. I sit on the couch. He pops in a movie called CHOKE then has a seat next to me. We barely say anything during the film. He does, however, develop a fascination for the curls in my hair. He slowly starts to pick apart the curls essentially frizzing my hair. He then takes his wolf like nails, scratches my leg and says, “I’m trying to see if I leave any marks on you.”

Bear in mind, we have barely spoken. He is taking odd liberties. After the film is done (film was about a sex addict), he says he needs to go outside for a smoke and asks if I’d like to join him. I agree due to the fact I am oddly curious as to what this odd man might do next…

We go on his balcony (it’s screened in so no fear of being pushed off the edge.). He takes his fingers and starts poking my ribs. I give him an odd look while thinking, “WOW! you are WEIRD aren’t you?” He asks me to turn around and proceeds poking me again. He says that he is trying to see if I am ticklish. He then takes my face into his hands and gives me a rather creepy grin. He frizzes my hair some more. Tis a bit unnerving…We go back inside…

At this point I am hoping that he doesn’t wield a butcher knife and think DINNERTIME! I really didn’t think I was in total danger for he knew that my husband knew where I was…

We sit on the couch and he goes back to destroying my hairstyle and scratching my legs. He looks at me and says that he would like to show me how he kisses but he has bad breath. I offer him a mint. He graciously accepts and I eat one as well.

He looks at me and says, “I guess I could have brushed my teeth since I am at home. It may have been faster than sucking this mint.”

I say, “Well, yes. You could also bite the mint.”

He says, “No it will ruin my teeth!” I give him an odd look… O.o

I tell him that I am going to read one of his French books while he waits for the mint to dissolve. Since I studied Spanish, I thought I might know a few French words..I was also starting to feel like I was in a perpetual Monty Python sketch so playing along with the weirdness became quite fun.

He finishes his mint and kisses me. He is not a bad kisser although his breath did smell of minty cigarettes, beer and coffee. I mention that there were no marks from his nails. He tells me that this is good to know. He says he would like to arrange a play date one night. I smile politely while I am yelling, “Oh HELL NO!” in my head.

He mentions that it is getting late. I agree and we walk to my car. He doesn’t kiss me goodnight or hug me. He says to be safe driving and tells me goodbye. He walks back to his apartment without turning around or waving…

The night does not stop here with the weirdness…

I drive home taking a route that leads me through an unsavory area. It was the fastest route home. I see a car had crashed into a light pole. I stop, get out and phone 911. I walk to the car to find a man slumped over the steering wheel. I ask him if he is ok and can walk. He gets out of the car and leans against the side. I see smoke rising from the car and instruct the man to go to the curb.

The man says, “My cigarettes and glasses are in my car. Will you get them?”

I say, “Sir, I am not going into a smoking car to get your glasses and your cigarettes are in your front pocket.” He pats his ass. I direct him to his shirt.

He says,”I’m not even gonna lie. I am drunk. Just know that I swerved to miss a person and crashed my car. Therefore I sacrificed to save someone’s life!” There was no one in sight.

A lady walks out of her home and tells me she wants to stand with me just for safety’s sake until the police arrive because the area was known for being high crime. I am grateful.

The man says again, “I am very drunk.”

Me, “Yes.”

Man says, “I fucked up my life tonight, didn’t I?”

Me, “Yes, yes you did.” The police arrive and tell me to head home. I make it home safely free from harm but with an unusual night of tales to tell. I have no idea what sort of play the Nutty French Professor wanted to do. I do know that it wouldn’t involve me. You meet all kinds in the kink world. He is one of the many odd ones I have encountered…

Lesson? Make sure someone knows where you are at all times when you are out..

Thanks for Reading,

Melliscious xx

How I started…And how things with a very close friend fell apart…

I have been married 13 years. For nearly 2 of those years, we have been “open”. Essentially, we are “poly” aka polyamourous. Since year 2 of our marriage, I wanted to branch out into other relationships. My husband did not want this for our marriage, so we remained monogamous for 11 years. I never cheated on him. He has never cheated on me. Our marriage was fine. No major issues. We weren’t as happy though as we are now.

How and why did we become poly?

I was approached by a man on Twitter with whom I chatted with daily. Over several months, we began to open up to one another. We shared thoughts, dreams, flirted, and started to become close. We Skyped often and had lovely chats. He told me of his poly marriage. I became intrigued. I told him of how I was becoming interested in other men…him included…heh. He directed me to a book called “Opening Up”. Quite a good book, actually. It discussed several different relationships of real people living an open lifestyle. I took it to my husband. Given our long history of trust and strength in our relationship, he agreed to give it a try.

The man on Twitter had become a close friend to me. He continued to offer advice, flirt, show concern, and check on me when I was struggling. I adored him. He’d even ask for pics of me when I’d mention wearing something new to the local BDSM club…Another aspect of kink that I sought out when having discussions via Skype with him in regards to his adventures. I forwarded him the site for the local club and asked him to check it out to see if he felt it was OK. He seemed knowledgeable and never steered me wrong with his advice. I would have an awful date, tell him about it and he would respond, “Remember Melli, assholes don’t get second chances…” I trusted him implicitly…

After we would have a flirty, fun, and sometimes racy exchange of words on Twitter, he would ask when I was coming to his town. I naturally assumed this meant to visit him. He had developed a collection of pictures, we had suggestive exchanges. He was always there when I needed him. I became interested in him. I knew we were friends. I had no anticipation or expectation of anything more in regards to our friendship. I was sexually interested in him. If there was chemistry there when I visited, I wanted to pursue that avenue. If not, it would be ok. We could still stay friends. He agreed to everything that was said and I had no reason to believe anything otherwise…

Things fell apart…terribly…

The man on Twitter was struggling with his life. Sometimes he would tell me that he was getting overwhelmed. I offered assistance, a smile, a laugh, anything to cheer him. He would usually decline and say he was ok. I worried about him. He still expressed interest in me and once more I had no reason to believe otherwise. I told him of all my intentions and he did not seemed bothered by them but would smile when we’d chat seemingly excited at the thought…We were looking forward to my visit.

The day comes and we meet…We are both all smiles. Hugs, cuddles and being close to one another comes naturally. One moment we embrace…he holds me tight, kisses me, pulls my hair and then tells himself “No…no”. I was puzzled by this. Later we are in a bar having a drink and he wraps his arm around me and grabs my ass a bit. I give him a look as I snuggle into him. He says his hand just naturally gravitates to that area…He even compliments my ass. We had a lovely day. We had spent the entire day together and had a few other nights planned.

I had no clue what was to happen next…

Our next night was a science talk at a Museum. We are both intellectuals and enjoyed such talks. We met before hand for a drink. He seemed shaken. I began to flirt and speak suggestively to him. He started to tremble a bit and quickly down his beer. He said that me sitting close to him was making him nervous. I didn’t understand. We had such a lovely date previously. Adding the fact we had spoken and chatted for a year and a half at that point. Chemistry was clearly there and he was more than willing to make passes. He then says that he can not sleep with me “because things happen when I sleep with people”. To this day I have no clue what that means. He would not discuss the issue. He kept asking me not to press the matter. He did not want me to ask questions…

Well, being the kind of girl I am…

I was not satisfied with the “because I said so” answer. All it did was frustrate and hurt me because he was refusing to be honest with me.I was not about to let this go…nor should I have…

Our next night involved me cooking dinner for him and his wife. We later went to a BDSM event at a club that was primarily a “meet and greet” involving music and booze. He actually danced with me a bit, kissed me a few times and bought us drinks. I am actually a dancer and had a wonderful time on the dance floor. I received ample attention from others. One moment I was suggestively dancing on a bench near a column. I saw my friend staring at me. He would slowly drink his beer and was clearly enjoying what he was seeing. He later denied that he was perving on me. I am a grown woman. I know when a man looks at me with such eyes. Fool I am not…Another man walked by me, paused and lightly touched me suggestively. He wasn’t groping me or touching me inappropriately. He was just admiring me. After he left, my friend immediately came close to me and in an angry voice exclaimed that said guy was a “man whore”. I was shocked that he would say such a thing given that we were not going to be intimate. WHY did he care? He did not want me but had issues with others who did? Or did he want to approve of the people of whom I was interested? He told me that he felt the need to be responsible for me. I asked him not to feel that way. He had taken it upon himself to be responsible. I also said that I wanted a real kiss from him. He said he would give me one next time.

Next date we met for a drink prior to an art show. He kissed me passionately. It was lovely. He seemed to enjoy it. I then express that I am dealing with things accordingly and to not worry about me. I then try to get him to answer a few more questions in regards to why he is incapable of casual sex. Chemistry was there. He seemed to enjoy my company. I wanted some answers. He again says that we would not be making out anymore and that we would not have sex. He said he did not want more responsibility. I did not understand this. How would sleeping with me add more responsibility? I lived far away and was not looking for more than what we had. He also asked me to stop pressing the issue. I was fine not having sex but I wanted to know why and he wouldn’t tell me. He refused to be honest with me and it angered me. I had always been forthright and completely honest about things on my end. Even that night after the art show, he kissed me goodnight.

The next day was a 3 hour text fight of me asking him to explain things to me. I was hurting because he was not being honest with me. I was confused, frustrated and angry. He was supposed to be my friend and I needed to understand what was happening. Basically he spent 3 hours telling me he never really wanted to pursue me sexually (because of issues he never told me regardless of the attraction), he had hoped I’d get over it, he had no intention of ever telling me, and that he never led me on. He refused to take full responsibility for his actions. I was completely blindsided.

I spent some time with other friends while on the trip. I then decided I would not go with him to a concert but spend time with people who wanted to be around me. I texted him saying he would be attending the concert alone. He was upset by this. I did offer to meet him one last time prior to the concert to have a drink and say goodbye. He agreed and said he’d love to see me once more.

The evening comes to meet him for that final drink. I sit clearly perturbed. He giggles and says that I look angry. This infuriates me. I lay into him telling him how angry I am and that I did not appreciate his lack of honesty. I truly believed he was interested in me and he gave me no reason to believe otherwise. I felt he encouraged me many times. I tell him that is the same as being deceitful. He does not agree. I bring up all these examples and he sits in silence as tears start to well up in his eyes. My heart breaks when I see this. Clearly he was not ready for the reality of me. I ask him if I confuse him he says “yes” and tell him to ask questions to relieve this confusion. His only question was “Will you still be my friend?” Then tears roll down his cheeks. I am dumbfounded. I hold him as he cries with his head on my chest. He is broken. He is damaged. He is emotionally immature. I tell him that I will always be his friend and that I care for him. I wanted to be a support to him. We cuddled for a bit and he asked me one more time to go to the concert with him. I declined as I had made plans with others who truly wanted to see me. We parted ways…

After I returned home, things blew up in email and direct messages on Twitter. I forced him to tell me the truth. He did not like this and he was distressed. He still avoided my questions. Denied ever being attracted to me. Said he didn’t care for me like I thought he did but then changed and said that I was very close to him. His emails became seasoned like a politician avoiding questions and responsibility. He said he was in therapy and seemed to use this as an excuse for his behavior. After reading this, I sent him his own words when he direct messaged me from my old email notifications from an account I rarely use. My twitter notifications apparently go there and I didn’t realize just how many messages he had sent until I checked. I thought this would help him see my perspective and piece together what actually happened. There were hundreds and many were incredibly suggestive expressing interest in me. He still denied his words and said that he had no idea anyone would ever take him seriously…this over a span of a year and a half with him knowing for months and months that I was visiting…plus our regular Skype calls…I had no idea what was real over that year and a half…still am struggling with it. Was/Am I truly his friend? Did/Do I mean anything to him?

Things fell apart and we stopped talking…He pushed me away…I blocked him on one of my accounts…for my own sanity…I cried that day. He was a close friend to me. I had let him in, he helped me to change my life and now he was shutting me out.

That was this Summer…I returned in the Fall…

I made plans to return in the fall. We had barely spoken to one another. We had not Skyped. he refused saying he was too busy although he had made time in the past. He did not email. Sometimes he would check on me but that happened less and less. I mentioned to him that I was visiting again to see friends. he said that would be a good time to catch up. Even though he expressed interest in seeing me, it was nearly impossible to get him to commit to dates. He would only see me during lunches. We made 2 lunch dates.

Lunch date one, he greeted me and offered his arm as we went to the restaurant. We had a pleasant discussion. I mentioned he never returned my email from months earlier although he had promised. He said that he didn’t know what more he could say. He never answered my questions. I told him that I had missed him and I had gotten over things. I mentioned I felt he had not missed me. He looked at me puzzled and asked why I thought that. I said that he never talks to me, never asks me how I am doing, basically never speaking to me as if I am a friend. He says nothing. Later, he looks at me closely with care in his eyes and a sad look that I would describe as longing. I ask him what he is thinking. He says, “It’s interesting how life turns out.” I have no idea what he meant by this. He never told me. We had a lovely chat. He’d put his arm around me as we walked and pull me close. He said how proud he was of me of how well I was doing with my job and life. I had missed him…terribly…He still confuses me. I walked him back to work. He hugged me. …I mentioned I felt he might be pretending to like me. He said I was being silly, that of course he liked me…That he cared and I am his friend. He kissed me on the cheek and went back to work.

Lunch date two I was getting a bit weepy. I wanted to try to work through things and I would not get to see him for more than an hour again. I was also sad that in a few days I was leaving a beautiful city that I loved full of people I cared for. I felt frustrated because he was keeping his distance and avoiding questions. We again have a good chat. At times he is relaxed and seemed to enjoy himself. Other times he became guarded and shut down. I mention that I really wanted to see him again and invited him to a show with free tickets. he had mentioned he might go. Then he said he was busy and could meet for a quick drink. I mention that I am frustrated and wanted to chat a bit more. I mentioned he would always have opportunities to see those locally but I didn’t know when I’d be back. He said he didn’t have time. He made time my first trip. He would not make time this trip. He asked me what I was doing that afternoon. I thought he was inviting me to do something with him. I said I had not planned anything yet. He said he was going to decide for me. He said he was going to walk me to two museums and  I was going to go into them. I didn’t really have an interest in going to any museums that day…especially by myself seeing I was already a bit weepy. We got to the museums. He told me that I was to go inside, get a visitors pass, take pictures and tweet about it. It was regular behavior for him to dictate to me instructions. He had in the past told me that we would not leave a pub unless I finished eating regardless of the fact I had a large lunch. He had said that he did not see my lunch and so I was to eat more. I said I wasn’t going to go to the museums because I did not feel like it. I said I was very sad about leaving. He looked at me with a coffee and snack in his hand and said that he only had coffee and snack to cheer me. I mentioned I would like cuddles or hugs. He said that he couldn’t because he had to go to work. He wouldn’t even hug me…yet felt he could dictate instructions to me. I said I would walk him back to work. We get back to his office. He goes to hug me and I refuse. He then says, “So you’re not going to hug me?”. I then hug him closely…he hugs back and says I have to stop cuddling him. He needs to go to work. He says that he’ll see me the next night for a quick drink and give me a kiss then. We part ways…

I only saw him 5 minutes the next night because communication had failed in regards to text and him getting a new phone. He barely spoke to me but chatted to the other person I was with. He would put his arm around me while speaking with the other and rub my back. He finally looked at me, told me to have a safe trip home, and kissed me on the cheek. We left.

I traveled back home…Since then we have emailed. He still dictates the terms of our friendship. He did not respond to my last email ignoring my questions. He indirectly accused me of causing drama because I asked questions. He said he had no time for a friendship with me and was reluctant to get close again because it went bad last time. I mentioned that all was lovely until he was dishonest.

I have TRIED to be a friend to him and I am still trying. Clearly we have different definitions of the word. I told him to speak to me when he is ready to be real friends that both of us need. I have offered support, affection, friendship, and care. He has said no thanks to everything except a friendship exclusively on his terms. We sometimes chat on twitter, but it is at a very cautious distance. He never initiates conversation with me. I doubt he’d even talk to me if I didn’t start conversations.

It is my belief that he is afraid. He is afraid to hurt me. Afraid to be intimate with me for fear of becoming attached even more or developing strong feelings. Afraid that if he does become attached that he will not be able to see me so often because I live so far away. He seems afraid to lose me outright. Bottom line…he is afraid. It is his fear that drives this. I only know what I am told. This is what I have gathered from our conversations. He will likely never admit this…

I have no clue why he wants me to be in his life…it seems it is only to be on his terms. I feel like an object that has been collected….a trophy of sorts…come to find out I am not the only person that has been through similar incidents with him.

Yet, I still care…He helped me change my life. He showed me so many things and taught me so much. I have met wonderful people because of him. He says he cares and I am his friend…Then I feel tossed aside and treated like I am insignificant. We. Were. VERY CLOSE. He has no idea what this does to a person.

He has been very much an asshole to me…regardless of the fact he is broken and damaged… I should take his advice…one of the first things he ever taught me, “Remember Melli, assholes don’t get second chances.”

And yet…here we are on chance three…I don’t like throwing away something that was once lovely…

I still don’t know anymore…I had hoped blogging this would help me clarify things. I know he will likely read this and will not comment. He will likely ignore it. He does not like confrontation. He does not handle it well and lacks the ability to communicate properly unless it involves flirting. I speak the truth and pushed every button he had when I was with him. I still do…not because I am angry or frustrated with him…and at times I am…especially with his dodging my questions…But he needs real people telling him the truth of his actions and how he affects others.

It is the unpleasant things that make us grow. A peach tree can be chopped down to almost nothing and will grow back even stronger the next season. It will reinforce it’s vascular system, it’s bark will become firmer and tougher..and it will bear more fruit…

I have grown and learned from this…I am poly and into a kink scene because he ushered me into this lifestyle…and I thank him for that. However, I have no idea what the next step is or where things with him will end up…there are too many questions that only he has the answers…

I will return…I suppose we will see how things go…

Thank you for reading my first post,

Melliscious xx